SciEdMan is offline SciEdMan Post #1  September 26,2009, 2:30pm
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So remember last week when I couldn't get a date and couldn't gather up any confidence? Well, now I have the exact opposite problem. I went on the date with that one girl I asked out, and she's really sweet and it's obvious that she really enjoys seeing me and it would be so easy to date her... but I don't really see a spark there with her. After talking to her, she's fun to talk to, but I'm not sure that it could go anywhere beyond friends, and I really hate to have to tell her that after asking her.

But then there's what happened today. For a class, I had to come to campus today to volunteer to work during the Fall Festival on campus. While there I met this grad student girl. She was sort of...in charge of what we would be doing, and I was there really early this morning, and ended up talking to her for probably 2 hours, and really hit it off with her. We're both just really fun nerds, basically, and I thought we had a real connection going. By the end of the volunteering session we were joking and "bickering" like "an old married couple" and it was hilarious, we just had this great banter patter going. Even she said at one point that she wasn't going to make me do something because we had bonded earlier. So I'm interested in her now, at least talking to her more and getting to know her, but she's a grad student, getting her masters, probably around 2 years older than me, while I'm old enough to be a senior, but since I changed majors, I'm actually only a sophomore by definition. Not sure how that would affect things, though admittedly I don't even know if she's single, though I know she's not married. Also, I don't see her often. Any meeting would have to be planned in advance.

Then there's the other girl I worked with today, a girl that I've had class with for the last month, and that I've been interested in for about as long, though never talked to. She's shorter than me, quiet, and really didn't say much today during the event. But after the event, when everything was over, we were talking as we were left to carry the stuff back on our own and she kept complimenting me on how great everything I had made was, and what a great job I did, and we had a nice chat on the way to pack things away.

So now I'm wondering who I should go for... the girl that I know likes me, though I'm not sure if there's a spark there, the older girl that I had such amazing conversation and chemistry with, or the younger girl that I've been interested in longer than the other two but that I know less about.... Any advice?
Last edited by SciEdMan; September 26,2009 at 2:32pm.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #2  September 26,2009, 2:40pm

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e). You're in college, date all of them.
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SciEdMan is offline SciEdMan Post #3  September 26,2009, 2:43pm
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CaptCrunch23 wrote :
e). Your in college, date all of them.
Not sure my nerves could handle that much stress. I'm not James Bond.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #4  September 26,2009, 2:56pm

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What you expierenced today was nothing more than a little flirting in a social atmosphere. While you may be interested in two of the girls. There is no clear sign that they have an definate interest in you. So instead of choosing one girl to focus on. I would pursue them all and let time sort it out.


add: I would also give the first girl another chance. first dates can be nerve racking. You might see something different the next time around.
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; September 26,2009 at 3:21pm. Reason: never going to win a spelling bee
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  September 26,2009, 3:13pm
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I think you have to ask yourself, and honestly answer: What is your purpose in dating at this point? Is it to secure a physical relationship for the time being? Is it to find someone to develop a LTR with that might outlast college? Is your life really stable enough to start something like that? Does your field require an advanced degree? Does hers (whoever she might be)? If so, are you both willing to let go when the time comes or maintain a long-distance relationship?

I agree with CC...dating at this point in your life should be about getting to know people...not necessarily about pinning down one person. Of course, you should be honest with them that you are not dating exclusively, and if/when you decide to you should be honest about that as well.

Flirting is sometimes just fun - it doesn't neccessarily signal enough true compatibility for a sustained relationship. For that, you have to figure out what's important to you and focus on those qualities (that are, one hopes, qualities that will endure).
 
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SciEdMan is offline SciEdMan Post #6  September 26,2009, 3:26pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Flirting is sometimes just fun - it doesn't neccessarily signal enough true compatibility for a sustained relationship. For that, you have to figure out what's important to you and focus on those qualities (that are, one hopes, qualities that will endure).
So then how do you know when a girl is simply "flirting" (though the ambiguity of that term really confuses me) or might actually be interested? How do you know when you have a great time with someone if that's really how things would be, or if they're just having fun? I'm not sure I wouldn't say that either of the girls were flirting. I just saw it as having fun, joking around, laughing. What I would call chemistry, the ability to have a connection with a person without much hassle. But how do you know if it's just flirting or if there really is enough personal chemistry there to mean something?

I will admit, I'm not ready for a long-term relationship. That's what I want, that level of closeness and compatibility with a person, but I'm not at a place in my life right now that I can be committed to the point of marriage or even engagement. My life isn't that stable to be able to do that. I just want to find someone that I can share a bond with and honestly know that they make me happy and that I don't need to find someone else. That's what I'm looking for.
 
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SciEdMan is offline SciEdMan Post #7  September 26,2009, 3:33pm
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Apologies for the double post, but I sent the older girl an email when I got home thanking her for everything, that I really enjoyed working with her, meeting her, talking to her, and that overall it was a really great experience. She just emailed me back:

"Thank you for your note! It made my day. I really enjoyed meeting and talking with you as well. It was nice to have someone to discuss my outrage at the 6th Harry Potter movie with! I hope to see you around sometime! I am usually at the MHC during the week, so feel free to come visit anytime.

Have great weekend and thanks again for your note!"

What do you think?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  September 26,2009, 3:35pm

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It seemed like you REALLY liked the original girl. I remember that thread. You weren't sure how she felt. Now you know she likes you....and you are losing interest.

Can you say why besides there wasn't a spark? Have you considered the fact that maybe you are a little into the chase but don't really want to catch anyone?

It kind of sounds that way...
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  September 26,2009, 3:38pm
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SciEdMan wrote :
So then how do you know when a girl is simply "flirting" (though the ambiguity of that term really confuses me) or might actually be interested? How do you know when you have a great time with someone if that's really how things would be, or if they're just having fun? I'm not sure I wouldn't say that either of the girls were flirting. I just saw it as having fun, joking around, laughing. What I would call chemistry, the ability to have a connection with a person without much hassle. But how do you know if it's just flirting or if there really is enough personal chemistry there to mean something?

I will admit, I'm not ready for a long-term relationship. That's what I want, that level of closeness and compatibility with a person, but I'm not at a place in my life right now that I can be committed to the point of marriage or even engagement. My life isn't that stable to be able to do that. I just want to find someone that I can share a bond with and honestly know that they make me happy and that I don't need to find someone else. That's what I'm looking for.
And sex, one assumes?

No one else can make you happy. You do that for yourself. If you're looking for someone to just have fun with (including the physical aspect of a relationship) then you need to be upfront about that. And you need to not ask for nor accept more than you're willing to give.

As for the chemistry question, you're asking a woman who is decades beyond you in experience. I don't put much stock in chemistry. I look for common values. Does the other person find the same things important? Do they respect themselves and others? Are they kind-hearted and generous with the people in their lives? Do they set and maintain healthy boundaries? Are they able to disagree respectfully and communicate effectively? Those are mine. You have to figure out your own.

The only way you know if there is enough there to be 'something' is by spending time with someone. The choice is, do you spend time with only one someone and risk an attachment occuring that you might find you don't want and have to disentangle yourself from, or do you keep it light-hearted and engage with a number of people to help discover what you really want in a partner? Personally, I think that if you exclusively date one person, you're going to be facing expectations unless you are scrupulously honest about your situation...and maybe even if you are.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #10  September 26,2009, 3:38pm
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cp30 wrote :
It seemed like you REALLY liked the original girl. I remember that thread. You weren't sure how she felt. Now you know she likes you....and you are losing interest.

Can you say why besides there wasn't a spark? Have you considered the fact that maybe you are a little into the chase but don't really want to catch anyone?

It kind of sounds that way...
I was thinking the same thing. It is rather flaky to have interest in someone & to lose it that quickly.
 
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