More on Kids Coming First


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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #1  September 26,2009, 3:27pm
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Just wanted to re-thread this one, because it's important.

I'll keep it short. Maybe, and use the male perspective point-of-view, though this is gender-neutral and can go both ways.

First. YOU are the adult, not the child. Stop saying, "If I can't be first in her life, then I can't be with her."

That's a pouty, whiney statement, and better said if you're eight than if you're thirty-eight.

Second, the kid MUST come first. I'm not saying the kid should interfere in the relationship, but if you make her choose between you and the kid, you're being whiney again. Of course she'll choose the kid. Only a negligent parent would choose otherwise.

Age of the child is irrelevant, completely. You tell a sixty year old woman that her forty year old son needs to come second, behind you, the new love interest, the guy who's only been around a few months, and if she doesn't curb you, call me, and I'll come curb you for her.

Anyway. Yall grow up, and act like the adults, not the kids. You can't always demand mommy's attention, and then pout when you don't get it.

- Saul
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  September 26,2009, 3:54pm

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Saul,

I'm not sure who this is aimed at.

Generally I have more of a problem with men writing this in their profile. I certainly don't have a problem with men who prioritze their children's needs. I expect any man that would want to date me, if he is a father, is a good and responsible one.

I just don't like to start off with hostile demands about 'who comes first'
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  September 26,2009, 5:46pm
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cp30 wrote :
Saul,

I'm not sure who this is aimed at.

Generally I have more of a problem with men writing this in their profile. I certainly don't have a problem with men who prioritze their children's needs. I expect any man that would want to date me, if he is a father, is a good and responsible one.

I just don't like to start off with hostile demands about 'who comes first'
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  September 26,2009, 5:50pm
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There is one part that you got right, the rest is merely vituperative.

You are correct that even on my mom's final day she still called me "her little boy".
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #5  September 26,2009, 6:16pm
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I was very torn on the other thread. My kids come first, especially with someone I barely know.

However, if my kids are being naughty, horrible that is different. My kids do not like their new step sister (ex got married). I have met her and she is a BRAT. However, they are now part of her family and need to work on getting along. We have chatted about it. My ex is a bit more concerned with making the new wife happy than his kids and that is causing some issues. We shall see how this works out.
 
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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #6  September 26,2009, 6:53pm
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Not aimed at anybody in particular.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #7  September 26,2009, 7:57pm
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Here's the key. It's not about putting one first or the other 2nd. It's about giving each relationship the priority that is needed to meet the needs of the other person. Some days that will mean that more time, energy, and attention may be spent on the children, and some days it will mean the spouse. Parents of more than one child go through this all the time. You can't split up your time equally every single day. Some days one child is going to need more than the others. Same thing when you bring in an adult relationship.

When I and some others see a statement in a profile about how "my children will always come first" then this sends us a message that the person is not going to be able to balance new relationships and is not going to be able/willing to give a new adult relationship the priority that may be needed at times.

Being a single dad I would want to be with someone who did understand that my children would always be a high priority for me, but at the same time I would not want them to feel as if their needs would always be secondary.

The one caveat I'd throw in is that when I discuss this I'm thinking in terms of a relationship leading to marriage. If it were a situation with a casual boyfriend/girlfriend then I'd completely agree that the adult should expect to be secondary in that scenario.
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #8  September 26,2009, 8:33pm
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So, I have strong feelings about this. I am a mom with one semi adult child living at home.
My BF is a single dad with 2 daughter's ages 14 and 16, the 16 year old lives with him full time and does not see her mom.
My BF also live 2.5 hours away... so needless to say his daughter or daughters are with him during his visits.
I get along good with his kids and they are comfortable in my home and love being around my family.
The problem is mine...
I am struggling with not having time alone with my BF. He is a great dad but over the few months our weekends together have turned out to be trips to the mall with the girls. Family events with his kids and my family. It is really starting to bother me.
I do not see a lot of hope here of anything changing. Where would his kids go if they where not with him?
Can someone give me some advise?
Last edited by JoJoBean; September 26,2009 at 8:46pm.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #9  September 26,2009, 8:49pm
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The thing is that, everything else being equal (and things never are), kids' "needs" come before adult "needs". Wants are a different matter and up for negotiation.

Unfortunately, what I have found when people put this in their profile is something more akin to "What my child wants, my child gets."

Children need to understand that they don't always get their way, but other times they will. It's part of making them functioning adults. You are doing a disservice to a child by making him think he is the center of the universe.

As long as you are giving both the children and the boyfriend or girlfriend the respect and consideration they deserve, I think it's completely fair to say both of them will sometimes have to wait for your attention.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 26,2009, 10:47pm
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saulgoode wrote :
Just wanted to re-thread this one, because it's important.

I'll keep it short. Maybe, and use the male perspective point-of-view, though this is gender-neutral and can go both ways.

First. YOU are the adult, not the child. Stop saying, "If I can't be first in her life, then I can't be with her."

That's a pouty, whiney statement, and better said if you're eight than if you're thirty-eight.

Second, the kid MUST come first. I'm not saying the kid should interfere in the relationship, but if you make her choose between you and the kid, you're being whiney again. Of course she'll choose the kid. Only a negligent parent would choose otherwise.

Age of the child is irrelevant, completely. You tell a sixty year old woman that her forty year old son needs to come second, behind you, the new love interest, the guy who's only been around a few months, and if she doesn't curb you, call me, and I'll come curb you for her.

Anyway. Yall grow up, and act like the adults, not the kids. You can't always demand mommy's attention, and then pout when you don't get it.

- Saul
Where do you get the 'pouting' thing? If it's going to be complicated and a hassle to date someone who has children....just date someone who doesn't have them. That isn't pouting....it's just making your life easier. It's not like there aren't eligible people who don't have children if that's what someone wants.
 
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