Worries about what exes have done to her in the past.


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crcstmike is offline crcstmike Post #1  September 26,2009, 10:49am
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I chose eharmony to hopefully avoid the ones who had fears of things that exes had done or said and thinking that I would be like those exes. I have been divorced x2 and to me that is one thing, but to say well they did me wrong and I'm afraid you would do it also is another. First off I hate being compared to an ex, I have been on my own for several years now and watched and noticed the mistakes I made and how I could correct those mistakes. I really like this woman, but do I hang in and hope I can prove to her that I'm diff. or is this something that would continue as the relationship progressed futher?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  September 26,2009, 10:57am
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I'm confused by your OP. You are seeing a woman who is already comparing you to her exes? Or are you asking if we think you might encounter this with EH? In the latter case, I would say yes, because there are all kinds of people on EH and you never know what you're going to get!

If it's the first question, can you give us more info?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  September 26,2009, 11:07am
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With this issue, I tend to find a middle ground between the people who are caught in fears of their past, and the people who can’t understand why the same things keep happening to them.
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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #4  September 26,2009, 11:12am
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There surely is no guarantee that using a dating site will mean fewer members with hang ups over their ex-partners. In fact, I would say it probably increases the likelihood for hung up attitudes if anything. If you read a bit here, you might notice there are no shortages of negative posts, bitter posturing regarding the modern dating scene..this is just Life. I would recommend you cleanse your expectations completely and do it for fun, with a spirit of adventure, even. I would continue to cultivate outside, 'real-life' opportunities to meet people...I would recruit friends and relatives to do a few introductions a year...I would volunteer for organisations that interest you...just..join! Sign up! Get out there! Don't rely on a website to accomplish a complex social task that is best achieved through in-person interactions. There is no quick nor easy route to partnership happiness.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  September 26,2009, 11:19am
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I'm not sure what your question is here, but your premise:

crcstmike wrote :
I chose eharmony to hopefully avoid the ones who had fears of things that exes had done or said and thinking that I would be like those exes.
is off base. Who told you that eH admits only folks that are totally baggage-free?
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #6  September 26,2009, 11:25am
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crcstmike wrote :
First off I hate being compared to an ex, I have been on my own for several years now and watched and noticed the mistakes I made and how I could correct those mistakes. I really like this woman, but do I hang in and hope I can prove to her that I'm diff. or is this something that would continue as the relationship progressed futher?
Sorry crcstmike. You're not at an age where you get this luxury. Everyone is someone's ex and at some level, you will be compared. The lady that you're dating now may not verbalize her comparisons, but it's likely that she's examining your similarities and differences with her previous relationships.

Relax and prove to her that you're different (since that's your stated goal) and good luck.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  September 26,2009, 5:06pm
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MCMLXXII wrote :
Sorry crcstmike. You're not at an age where you get this luxury. Everyone is someone's ex and at some level, you will be compared. The lady that you're dating now may not verbalize her comparisons, but it's likely that she's examining your similarities and differences with her previous relationships.

Relax and prove to her that you're different (since that's your stated goal) and good luck.
We are always able to expect to be judged for ourselves. If you are going into an introduction / first date assuming that the person is just like your ex then you need to go spend more time in therapy before beginning dating again.

I for one am no ones ex.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  September 26,2009, 5:07pm
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Dump her and run. She has way too much baggage that she has not checked.
 
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crcstmike is offline crcstmike Post #9  September 26,2009, 8:08pm
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MelinCali wrote :
I'm confused by your OP. You are seeing a woman who is already comparing you to her exes? Or are you asking if we think you might encounter this with EH? In the latter case, I would say yes, because there are all kinds of people on EH and you never know what you're going to get!

If it's the first question, can you give us more info?
I am seeing a woman who is already comparing me to her exes stating they all hurt her and scared I will do the same. I realize now that you could find this on all dating sites.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  September 26,2009, 8:18pm
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crcstmike wrote :
I am seeing a woman who is already comparing me to her exes stating they all hurt her and scared I will do the same. I realize now that you could find this on all dating sites.

Do you like this woman other than this issue?

Things like this - that appear as "past trauma" issues - you, as a man, have a lot of power over them, if you use it wisely.

Every time you display a different behavior than the ex, you weaken the hold the ex has on her psyche.

I suggest the posts here are too negative toward her, and that you keep in mind that you have more control here than may be apparent.
 
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