How important is past history? What does it say about what you attract?


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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  September 25,2009, 10:09pm
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There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

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So I met this girl and we immediately hit it off--same kind of personality, same kind of joking, we crack each other up. I have met her brother and her friend and both were what appeared to be good people. However, upon further conversation she disclosed to me that she dated an alcoholic for several years--more than three. She also disclosed some issues of insecurity. She doesn't come from a divorced family, so I'm not certain where these issues would arise from her passed. She also said she tends to attract dysfunction. Here are the questions:

1) deal breaker?
2) should we even remain friends?
3) what does this say about me that I am attracted to a girl with such baggage. However, in my defense I am no longer attracted to her.

Thanks for your opinions.
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #2  September 25,2009, 10:35pm
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What is exactly the problem? Seriously, she has some problems, and she is willing to discuss this with you. You are making it out like she did something wrong. If you do not fit any of her past relationships, she is telling you she is happy to find you. However, maybe you might be like her past relationships, but I am not sure. You are coming off as someone who puts too much weight on who the person has dated. I would not have a problem with dating a person with a past. If you are not attracted to her, then you need to move on. You are just going to hurt her, and will not be able to get over her past.
 
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Questioninggirl is offline Questioninggirl Post #3  September 25,2009, 10:36pm
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justme27 wrote :
So I met this girl and we immediately hit it off--same kind of personality, same kind of joking, we crack each other up. I have met her brother and her friend and both were what appeared to be good people. However, upon further conversation she disclosed to me that she dated an alcoholic for several years--more than three. She also disclosed some issues of insecurity. She doesn't come from a divorced family, so I'm not certain where these issues would arise from her passed. She also said she tends to attract dysfunction. Here are the questions:

1) deal breaker?
2) should we even remain friends?
3) what does this say about me that I am attracted to a girl with such baggage. However, in my defense I am no longer attracted to her.

Thanks for your opinions.
First of all...not to be mean but...a girl with such baggage?! Welcome to the real world. And real women. Insecurity, dysfunction...are you going to stand on the grounds that you have none?

Please be a little gracious in judging this girl. After all, she was attracted to you, right? I don't think this would be a deal breaker, nor should you wonder if you should be friends. Maybe she should be wondering the same...after reading your post?
 
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whatalife1683 is offline whatalife1683 Post #4  September 25,2009, 10:48pm
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Good thing I was not the only person who thought the same thing. The OP seems like he is perfect or something. I never met someone who had some perfect past. If you are serious about relationships, then you need to be realisitic. If you looking for a flawless girl, you will be single forever.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  September 25,2009, 11:11pm
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that doesn't sound like very much baggage to me... unless the alcoholic calls her at 2 a.m. in a drunken stupor.

on the other hand, one does have to ask what about her had her attracted to such a guy and what about you had you attracted to her. yes, i think one does. if it's naivete, it's not a deal breaker... and it easily could be. i mean, when i was young, cocktail hour had yet to be dealt the final death blow by shifting social conventions. i couldn't tell drunk from sober because no one was ever sober.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #6  September 25,2009, 11:50pm
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Well, without sounding too defensive, I have dated girls in the past who surprisingly didn't have any issues beyond things I considered minor. Either that or they didn't disclose their past to me, I'm assuming they were over it. So at least to me the general rule has not been dysfunction whether I like it or not. This is a new occurrence for me.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  September 26,2009, 12:41am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Questioninggirl wrote :
First of all...not to be mean but...a girl with such baggage?! Welcome to the real world. And real women. Insecurity, dysfunction...are you going to stand on the grounds that you have none?

Please be a little gracious in judging this girl. After all, she was attracted to you, right? I don't think this would be a deal breaker, nor should you wonder if you should be friends. Maybe she should be wondering the same...after reading your post?
No one is perfect....but there are people who don't have major dysfunction in their personalities and lives. I'm holding out for one of these.

In the past I've met women like this who had previously been in very dysfunctional relationships with dysfunctional men. I kept an open mind and gave them a chance. So far....these women have all turned out to be majorly dysfunctional themselves as well. That needn't necessarily be the case....but I think you have to allow for the real possibility that this will be the case.
 
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Questioninggirl is offline Questioninggirl Post #8  September 26,2009, 2:11am
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I'm definitely not saying to get into a relationship with someone who needs to work through some issues! That is never wise. We should wait until we are healthy to get into a relationship. I'm just saying, please be careful in the way you represent this girl, who may be a broken individual!
We all go through stages in our life. It is good to ask about yourself and what may be disfunctional in you. Just be careful about how you view and judge others in the things they are going through.
I understand where you're coming from. And its good that you are asking. Just try not to ask from a pedestal (maybe I am completely misreading you...if so, I am sorry!) I just have to say...this girl is valuable, right? Otherwise you hopefully wouldn't have been attracted? So, please represent her gently.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #9  September 26,2009, 3:44am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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justme27 wrote :
1) deal breaker?
2) should we even remain friends?
3) what does this say about me that I am attracted to a girl with such baggage. However, in my defense I am no longer attracted to her.

Thanks for your opinions.
1) Your own answer to question 3 suggests there's no deal to break since you are "no longer attracted to her" and I would offer this helpful dating advice for the future
a) date girls who are just on the right side of legal with no life experience OR
b) avoid discussing previous relationships like the plague, in fact, if any woman attempts to just put your hands over your ears and sing loudly OR
c) grow up a bit and know that all adults will have a past (sorry, I know this is harsh).

2) If she'll still be your friend after your 'freak out' then yes, you should remain friends, she'll help you to grow up.

3) Are you worried that you're "dysfunctional" if that who she thinks she's a magnet for? I wouldn't worry so much, I think it says that you're not very realistic about what it takes to arrive at full maturity. She dated people with problems, she doesn't sound like she had big personal problems. She's open, funny and reflective and prepared to stand by her man when times are tough. If anything I'd say she had a well proven track record in being the kind of person you'd want to be in a relationship with.

I didn't check how old you are. If you're in your 20s then your crimes against maturity are pretty small and a tiny bit of work will have you up and fully functional quite soon. If you're my age then you really are old enough to know better and should probably spend some time on the naughty step having a little think about what you have done.
 
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melcalrrt is offline melcalrrt Post #10  September 26,2009, 4:01am
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Read your post several times, trying to find the baggage. She dated an alcoholic so what? Is SHE an alcoholic? are you?
She opened up to you, that says a lot about you. We all have insecurities. She feels comfortable enough to share things like this with you. Hang on to this girl. See where the road takes you.
 
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