Why women give up on 50+ men


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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #1  September 25,2009, 12:17am
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A friend and I --- actually someone from right on here, were discussing this, last night, (she is 50, her b/f is 58, and everything is slowly falling apart, that on the surface seemed so good, and we were trying to figure out why.) She said, "I don't think he manipulated me to hurt me...

..... but he manipulated me to get what he wanted...he wanted me to be his girlfriend, but he wants to manage me down a bit, so he doesn't have to give up anything.....Does that make sense?

I think he cares for me, a lot, I really do, but he would like for everything to be on his terms...

So then, we got to talking about his COMPLACENCY...he's "got" her but she feels taken for granted;

She told me, its easy to see why woman who are smart, savvy, intelligent, great looking, and wise, may just.... give up... on finding a good man.

The men our age, she sad, that she have noticed, have become complacent...and there are good reasons for it, but many of them have...just like many woman 50+ become dumpy and frumpy

SHe went on: "I see it in many men, not just my guy...they made it through nasty divorces, losing half of what they worked so hard for...there t levels dip, they buy toys, travel...fit women in, sometimes as an afterthought..."


I see so much of it...with a lot of older men...(she said)


and for a woman that has a soft heart, strong mind, passionate soul, this is tough to take...


I was astonished, because I saw a LOT of what happened to me, and how I coped ---- in those words of hers, in ME!!!!.

(Made me think that complacency can kill marriages too. I made some mistakes like that --which I will own -- that was one reason mine failed in my early 50's.)

And I got to thinking, wow, is it true on a large scale, for now older single females with SUCH great value?


For many reasons, I would now prefer to be with women my age, or a little younger or sometimes, even older!!! (just turned 61 now) ..so many are amazingly together and attractive now, work out, and generationlly similar and all, and it was astonishing, if she is correct, that most of then sinply gave up.

Took themselves totally *OUT* of the dating pool altogether, in resignation, disgust, exhaustion, whatever the reason.


I think the huge divorce rate leaves an enormous number of single people in later years.....


So .... I wonder if her generalization about complacency in older men is true.

The desire to connect, still exists at any age, though. I see a kind of
a duality here; at once it's a blessing and a curse.

What do *YOU* think?

Did you just give up on men over 50?

If so -- why did you?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  September 25,2009, 5:09am
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I know that you addressed this to the ladies but I am compelled to comment. As you know I have an opinion on everything and love to share

First comment is that most people, male and female, expend a lot of effort in pursuit of a goal and once they have achieved their goal they no longer put the same amount of energy into maintaining as they did in the pursuit. Since in this case we are talking about dating once you have achieved some level of exclusive committed relationship you become comfortable with each other and the need and desire to impress is no longer the driving factor. This you and your friend are defining as complacent.

Second comment is that this behavior is neither gender specific nor age related. Would not your "complacency" explain why the 20 somethings marriages end in divorce? The couples did not work at keeping alive what drew them together in the first place.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  September 25,2009, 6:18am
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Hey 6dle899, that is an interesting OP. I'm not sure if I'm reading about complacency. What you are sharing with us sounds a lot to me like your friend is saying that older men are set in their ways. Am I wrong about that? They have gotten to a place in life after all their struggles with divorce, career, etc., and are only looking to find someone to fit into their life as is, without changing to accommodate another person. Their divorces have left them unwilling to compromise--a truly necessary component of every relationship.

Since compromise means giving something up for the sake of the other person or the relationship, does that equate to complacency in the 50+ man?
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #4  September 25,2009, 6:38am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
First comment is that most people, male and female, expend a lot of effort in pursuit of a goal and once they have achieved their goal they no longer put the same amount of energy into maintaining as they did in the pursuit. Since in this case we are talking about dating once you have achieved some level of exclusive committed relationship you become comfortable with each other and the need and desire to impress is no longer the driving factor.
As I have gotten older I find myself cherishing my relationship more and try to maintain, achieve, impress and show my desire for the woman in my life. I don't stop the romance nor the pursuit of my love with her, if anything it gets more creative as my love grows for her. I feel lucky to have found love again and work harder to keep that love alive. A women loves to feel loved and so does a man, no matter what the age, I think. I have always been an extrovert but I think as I get older, I look at what I have more then I did before and I try not to take anything for granted in my relationship. If she has a birthday, celebrate it, if she gets a promotion, celebrate it, if you wake up feeling glad your laying next to your loved one, celebrate it, you get my meaning. I found that with this giving of myself, I receive so much in return.
 
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gardener1701 is offline gardener1701 Post #5  September 25,2009, 6:56am
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In any marriage or relationship you have to invest some time and imagination. It's like a garden. If you plant seeds and neglect them only weeds will grow and choke out the good plants. People of all ages bring their "bag of hammers" (past history & baggage) with them. Baggage is not necessarily a bad thing because it provides an opportunity to learn from past life experiences, both good and bad. People over 50 may have a little more baggage just because of the length of life experiences. If you own the baggage and do not allow the baggage to own you, the new relationship will benefit!!! Pity parades are a huge turn off. Take the road less travelled and get out of the habit of leaning on the old baggage! It belongs in your past!
 
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singleman4803 is offline singleman4803 Post #6  September 25,2009, 7:09am
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my 60+ year old mother is in the same situation.

a guy her age manipulates her and gets a lot out of her. But she is somewhat desperate so in part it is her fault. Maybe it's not the men as much as the situation. Maybe men at that age hold all the cards because women will cling to whatever man will have any interest in them?

maybe they aren't scoundrels, maybe they just like getting what they want? Just like the women would, I'm SURE.

I'm sure it's a generational thing because I don't see women my age or younger being as clingy to men as prior generations. I could be wrong. But for some reason the future seems to be a lot lonelier with everyone being so independent.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  September 25,2009, 7:29am
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wrote :
A friend and I --- actually someone from right on here, were discussing this, last night, (she is 50, her b/f is 58, and everything is slowly falling apart, that on the surface seemed so good, and we were trying to figure out why.) She said, "I don't think he manipulated me to hurt me...

..... but he manipulated me to get what he wanted...he wanted me to be his girlfriend, but he wants to manage me down a bit, so he doesn't have to give up anything.....Does that make sense?
When I read your post, I was looking at it and inserting age, say, 39 (and her bf is 40..)
Does it still add up? Of course it does, and you could insert any age you want really. We read and hear the same complaints across all different age groups on this board.

I think much of what happens in the next relationship would be the result of what learning and true understanding happened as the result of the previous relationship..
Many men(and women) decide that, after a failed marriage, marriage is just not for them. That's fine.
If you are talking strictly about relationships without marriage, they still have to be willing to compromise and communicate.
I think, yeah, as we get older we (hopefully) have a better undertstanding of what we want and don't want.
The key is being up front about that.

And, like you alluded to, many men from previous marriages were neglected to the point of feeling someone took them for granted, also.
Maybe that's part of the fallout she's seeing.
Last edited by TheThinker; September 25,2009 at 7:41am.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #8  September 25,2009, 7:41am
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The guy (age 51) in my last LTR was convinced that all married women would have hissy fits, shout and scream and reject their man in bed if things didn't go their way. Apparently it had been like that in his marriage and he was convinced all women are like that as soon as they get a ring on their finger and nothing could convince him otherwise.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  September 25,2009, 8:03am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I've seen quite a few people in their 60s, 70s and older who are really just looking for a companion, not necessarily 'love' or a 'lover'. Perhaps some men in their 50s start moving toward that perspective and are just looking to enjoy their lives and fit a female companion in where they can.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  September 25,2009, 8:46am
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tommyboy047 wrote :
As I have gotten older I find myself cherishing my relationship more and try to maintain, achieve, impress and show my desire for the woman in my life. I don't stop the romance nor the pursuit of my love with her, if anything it gets more creative as my love grows for her. I feel lucky to have found love again and work harder to keep that love alive. A women loves to feel loved and so does a man, no matter what the age, I think. I have always been an extrovert but I think as I get older, I look at what I have more then I did before and I try not to take anything for granted in my relationship. If she has a birthday, celebrate it, if she gets a promotion, celebrate it, if you wake up feeling glad your laying next to your loved one, celebrate it, you get my meaning. I found that with this giving of myself, I receive so much in return.
The operative word in my post is "most". Your celebrating that you woke up next to your SO is not the norm.

I have found that the more I give of myself the less I get in return.
 
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