Anyone overcome rejection and gained confidence? Share how!


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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  September 24,2009, 3:48pm

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We see a lot of comments here with themes of rejection. It seems to be an inevitable part of many people’s experience of searching for the right person. Putting yourself out there and having someone not choose you or turn you down tends to affect the ego in a negative way.

Just wondering – are there people out there who have felt this way, and have found a way to overcome these feelings? How did you overcome your feelings of rejection and insecurity? What helped you gain confidence? Note: this includes those who found confidence regardless of affirmation from matches.

Looking forward to some encouraging stories!

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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  September 24,2009, 4:00pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The experience I've had and that I've heard from other men is....approaching and talking to new women, asking for their telephone number, for a date etc. doesn't become anxiety-free. The nervousness, fear or whatever remains....you just get used to approaching and talking to them anyway. Regarding how to get dates or even just getting to know new people of the opposite sex, my advice is not to worry about getting 'confidence'....just do what you need to in order to meet them.

It would be nice if we could just feel super confident and never worry about rejection or what someone else might think....but I wouldn't expect or wait for that kind of feeling to change. Just go for what you want and need to do despite any anxious feelings.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #3  September 24,2009, 4:00pm
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Rejection in my opinion is a harsh word in the small world of internet dating. To me, this is a selection process, and there is nothing I take personally when or if another chooses to close me out.

There seems to be a good number of people of either gender who get their emotions all tangled up in the early stages of this type of dating. There is no reason to involve emotions until you actually meet a person, then take some time to get to know them.

Being rejected is not a problem for me, just means that I keep trying until the right person comes along. Being a very straight forward person, I have asked women directly in severa lIRL situations if they were involved or not.

Not one has ever been upset, or told me anything negative about that, so what is the big deal. You can either play around guessing, or just get the staright answer, and move along.

Just my personal experience and opinions based on that.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  September 24,2009, 4:01pm
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Some situations I just gave up on, and while this is not truly “overcoming,” it enables me to feel better about the experience. For instance, on Match, I gave up on writing women, too many of whom ignore their e-mail, and just waited for them to write me (I get less total results this way, but I get rid of the bad taste that comes from being ignored.)
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Flour is offline Flour Post #5  September 24,2009, 4:19pm
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I thrive on failure in everything I do. Some things won't go away, the nervousness, the thoughts about what can go wrong, etc. Instead, you learn how to control yourself in spite of those things.

Case in point, right up to the very second she picks up her phone, I am panicking and my heart was racing. After that, I get into the moment, and everything slows down to normal.
 
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate is offline eH_Advice_Host_Kate — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  September 24,2009, 5:32pm

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So to some degree, it sounds like part of the attempt “overcome” in various ways is by “embracing” or “accepting” that getting rejected is a possibility?

Laughingdaily, I really think your redefinition that this is a “selection” not “rejection” is very insightful. I would agree that it’s not a popularity game!

Now at the same time, what could be said to those who are not “selected” based on some apparent fault? This is something we often see from both sides – the person who says “I didn’t want to pursue this match because ___ ,“ and from the other side “my match didn’t like me because I’m___”. From either side, this can conjure up guilt for one and really hurt for the other.

It also seems like there’s a "before" and "after" aspect to this:

Before: “how to handle the fear of rejection” (before you know what will happen) Sort of Jayjay's approach to "just get out there and take action".

After: when you’ve already gotten rejected. I personally like D_Lion’s approach on not taking things so seriously (when possible) and Flour’s thriving on failure.

Incidentally, I once met a writer who made it a goal to get 100 rejection letters without getting any interest at all. Unfortunately, this individual only got 50 rejections before getting a meeting.

Anyone else?

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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  September 24,2009, 5:50pm
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Rejection in my opinion is a harsh word in the small world of internet dating. To me, this is a selection process, and there is nothing I take personally when or if another chooses to close me out.

There seems to be a good number of people of either gender who get their emotions all tangled up in the early stages of this type of dating. There is no reason to involve emotions until you actually meet a person, then take some time to get to know them.

Being rejected is not a problem for me, just means that I keep trying until the right person comes along. Being a very straight forward person, I have asked women directly in severa lIRL situations if they were involved or not.

Not one has ever been upset, or told me anything negative about that, so what is the big deal. You can either play around guessing, or just get the staright answer, and move along.

Just my personal experience and opinions based on that.
It must be wonderful to never get rejected in real life situations. It is amazing to me that you have gotten every job you ever interviewed for, have never been laid off from a job, got every woman that you ever approached. Truly amazing.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  September 24,2009, 5:53pm
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So Kate how do you deal with rejection. Or are you one of the women that wait on a guy to ask out? Of course maybe you are married and I should address this to Lori.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  September 24,2009, 5:54pm
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eH_Advice_Host_Kate wrote :
Now at the same time, what could be said to those who are not “selected” based on some apparent fault? This is something we often see from both sides – the person who says “I didn’t want to pursue this match because ___ ,“ and from the other side “my match didn’t like me because I’m___”. From either side, this can conjure up guilt for one and really hurt for the other.

In many cases, this is a legitimate compatibility issue, for which no hard feelings should occur.
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #10  September 24,2009, 5:56pm
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I haven't totally gotten over rejection -- at all. I agree with jayjay and others who said nerves don't go away. However, I do think that getting rejected (turned down, not "selected", pick some other nice phrase if you like) enough times over the years has made me realize a few things:
  • there are going to be other people out there who are awesome too and it's worth it to get back out there and try again
  • not every single date is going to turn into a relationship (nor every relationship into a lifetime deal)
  • the faster you get rejected the sooner you can move on (and avoid emotional pain which increases with time)
  • rejection is a part of life, whether it's with respect to relationships, school admissions, job searches, etc. -- so it's best to learn how to deal with it!
 
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