Dating w/Herpes Virus


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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #11  September 21,2009, 9:33pm
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Yes, I have herpes, just like a third of the population does.

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This is not my normal screen name, but many of you here are my 'friends.' I am an educated, attractive, well-liked female. I also have herpes.

When I first discovered I have herpes, I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. I thought my love life would be over forever... that no one would ever want me. I was terrified.

But the more I learned about this virus, the less scared I was. It is true that herpes is incurable, but it can be controlled to the point that it is not a big deal at all. I have about one outbreak per year when I am really stressed out about something. The "outbreak" is really just a couple of very small blisters that itch a bit for a week to 10 days. I have never had sex with someone while having an outbreak, and tell any partner I might have at the time when it is happening.

How did I get it? My then-husband gave it to me through oral sex. YES, you can get genital herpes from someone with "just a cold sore." I am living proof. I was a virgin when I met him and we were married a long time. I am certain I had it for many years before it was diagnosed. I always attributed the itching to a yeast infection. Herpes never crossed my mind.

When do I tell someone I'm dating that I have herpes? When it becomes evident that our relationship is going to last long enough that we are going to want to have sex. I do NOT put it in my profile, nor do I tell someone on a first or second date. It is disclosed on a need-to-know basis only. In many years of dating while divorced, I have had three one-year+ relationships and a handful of shorter relationships that included sex. None of them have gotten herpes from me. Except for one guy we did not use condoms (and he used them with EVERY partner, my having herpes did not influence him to wear them). When I get my sores, they are not located in an area that a condom would provide any protection anyway.

Nearly all the guys I have told about the herpes have been okay with it. One asked a friend of his who is an OB/GYN about it, and she reassured him that since I was on Valtrex the chances of him getting it from me were almost zero. There is a chance of getting it when there are no sores present, but it is a very, very low chance. In all that time, only one guy flipped out when I told him. Thing is.... that guy had never been tested for any STDs himself, so he had no idea whether or not he might even already have it! I have rejected way more men for other reasons than men have rejected me for having herpes.

I certainly wish I did not have herpes, but I am no longer devastated by knowing I have it. It is a minor inconvenience. It does NOT define who I am. If someone were to decide they didn't want to be with me because of it, they would be missing out being with a fine woman.

It is difficult to have that "talk" with a new partner. No one wants to hear their date has herpes, so the chance for being rejected by someone I really like because of it is very real. I get a stomach ache each time I am faced with having to tell someone new, not knowing what their reaction would be. It is ALWAYS me who initiates the discussion. I have yet to have a man ask me about STDs before wanting to get intimate. Most have admitted to me that it has never come up in any of their past relationships. I find that astounding.

I wouldn't go so far as to call herpes a "blessing," but it has made me far more responsible than I might have been about who I have sex with. I have to have a strong enough connection with the man and trust him enough to share this very personal information with him, and hope he does not reject me for it.

I could recite all sorts of statistics about how common herpes is, and most people who have it are not aware of it. Herpes is NOT commonly included in the standard STD tests at your doctor's office. You have to specifically ask to be tested for herpes or it will probably not be included in the battery of tests.

Despite the responses of some of the posters on here, it is possible to have a very fulfilling dating life if you have herpes.

I hope this helps answer the OP's concerns.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #12  September 22,2009, 6:02pm

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scarlet13 wrote :
intellectually, i know all that. emotionally though i don't think i could ever date anyone with herpes. i mean, i can't even drink out of someone else's cup- the whole thing just gives me the oogies.
I wonder if people's response to this situation changes as they get older. When I was younger I was terrified of it. But as I've aged and learned just how many people have it (and how many have it but have never had a symptom, which could even be you or me!) it kind of forced me to think about it differently. No one wants any STD, and people with herpes are no different. They didn't ask for it, they didn't do anything "wrong" to get it. As I get older, this stuff seems far less important than the quality of the person. If the worst thing about a man is that he has herpes, I've hit the jackpot. I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure I'll give my guy plenty of viruses over the course of a long term relationship. It just probably won't be herpes. As I said, I'd rather have a great guy with this relatively minor issue than miss out on someone wonderful. But I'm 48. Would I feel the same in my 20s? Not sure. I'd hope so, but who knows.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #13  September 22,2009, 6:57pm
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The likelihood is that if you've been dating awhile as an adult, you've already met someone who has the herpes virus. I think the statistic is that in 70 or 80 percent of the transmissions, the carrier was unaware s/he had the virus. It's estimated to be present in 1 of 4 adult women; 1 of 5 adult men.

Herpes is just the beginning. Do you ask your date if s/he has had the human papillomavirus, which can cause cervical cancer? Do you ask if s/he has had clamydia, which can cause infertility in women? How about the HIV virus?

How can s/he be sure you're not actually the carrier? Do you get tested before every new potential date? Every six months to cover any potential incubation period? Was a condom used every single time? Did you never have oral sex? Did you never kiss?

If you're that squeamish, then go find a platonic companion. And don't tell me how you enjoy motorcycles, scuba and climbing mountains. It seems to be more risky and dangerous hanging out between the sheets.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #14  September 23,2009, 8:25am
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Emme wrote :
I wonder if people's response to this situation changes as they get older. When I was younger I was terrified of it. But as I've aged and learned just how many people have it (and how many have it but have never had a symptom, which could even be you or me!) it kind of forced me to think about it differently. No one wants any STD, and people with herpes are no different. They didn't ask for it, they didn't do anything "wrong" to get it. As I get older, this stuff seems far less important than the quality of the person. If the worst thing about a man is that he has herpes, I've hit the jackpot. I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure I'll give my guy plenty of viruses over the course of a long term relationship. It just probably won't be herpes. As I said, I'd rather have a great guy with this relatively minor issue than miss out on someone wonderful. But I'm 48. Would I feel the same in my 20s? Not sure. I'd hope so, but who knows.
well, I'll be 36 in November, so i'm not a kid.

I don't make judgments on people with herpes-I but personally, i'm don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has it, because i don't want it. that's just me.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #15  September 23,2009, 8:43am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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DreamGal wrote :
This is not my normal screen name, but many of you here are my 'friends.' I am an educated, attractive, well-liked female. I also have herpes.


Nearly all the guys I have told about the herpes have been okay with it.

I certainly wish I did not have herpes, but I am no longer devastated by knowing I have it. It is a minor inconvenience. It does NOT define who I am.
I'm glad you no longer feel devestated about having this virus and that you've had good success in dating men. And....if I like you on this forum under a different screenname I'd still like you just as much knowing you have this. Thanks for sharing this.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #16  September 23,2009, 9:13am

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DreamGal wrote :
This is not my normal screen name, but many of you here are my 'friends.' I am an educated, attractive, well-liked female. I also have herpes.

I hope this helps answer the OP's concerns.
I applaud you for taking the time to create another screen name to share your story. I would be honored to have a friend like you. I think you did more than answer the OP questions. You answered anyones questions or concerns that have read this post..
 
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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #17  September 23,2009, 10:02am
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Thank you for sharing your story.
 
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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #18  September 23,2009, 9:27pm
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Yes, I have herpes, just like a third of the population does.

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scarlet13 wrote :
I don't make judgments on people with herpes-I but personally, i'm don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has it, because i don't want it. that's just me.
It's not just you. NOBODY wants it. I don't want it, but I have it.

If you (generic "you" meaning everyone who has posted similarly to you) feel that strongly about it, I do hope you insist every partner be tested for herpes, and NOT just get tested for STDs but specifically requests a herpes test, before you are intimate. Most people who have it do not know they have it. Most people never discuss STDs before getting intimate.

If you should get it, remember it is not the end of the world. It is a minor rash that you just deal with. Yeah, it sucks to have it, but there are a lot worse things to have.

I do find it hard to believe that so many people who have begun a relationship with someone they really connect with (more than a few dates) would do a 180 and reject them upon finding out they have herpes. If anyone has done that, I'd like to hear their story.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #19  September 23,2009, 10:03pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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DreamGal wrote :
I do find it hard to believe that so many people who have begun a relationship with someone they really connect with (more than a few dates) would do a 180 and reject them upon finding out they have herpes. If anyone has done that, I'd like to hear their story.
I'd say that's a good reason to let people know if you have one fairly early on, to avoid the possibility of greater emotional pain if they bail because of this.
 
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DreamGal is offline DreamGal Post #20  September 23,2009, 10:55pm
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Yes, I have herpes, just like a third of the population does.

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jayjay wrote :
I'd say that's a good reason to let people know if you have one fairly early on, to avoid the possibility of greater emotional pain if they bail because of this.
Actually, quite the opposite. No one has ever rejected me when I've told them after we've gone on several dates and really gotten to know each other. The ONLY guy who did reject me was moving really fast and I told him on our second date.

I am not about to tell every casual date that I have herpes. For the majority of them, they'll never need to know as they'll never get as far as my bedroom. Only if the relationship is looking like it might really head somewhere does it become a "need to know" situation.
 
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