What's the key to dealing with guys correctly?


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cmr2009 is offline cmr2009 Post #1  September 17,2009, 7:32pm
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I wrote about a guy I felt was losing interest (met through pals); he says he isn't and that I'm "jumping to wrong conclusions" but I don't believe it in my gut, so whatever. I'm also dating a diff. guy-- we'll call him "new/er guy" (3 rd date), who seems to be interested, but I'd like to try and avoid the mistakes I have made before. An EH article said: It’s great to be clear and want a relationship, it makes sense to communicate that you are interested in a relationship with a man on the first few dates when things go well. But the truth is that it doesn’t help you to talk “relationship” with a man this early on. It also said if you are too "nice", i.e. doing overly nice things, and are available/enthused, or are a little panicky, as in asking if things are "cool", trying to hang a lot, you are also sunk...So I ask you, what's the best policy? the "losing interest" guy was enthused, now he seems like "whatever"...The "new/er" one is like sending daily messages, wants to hang again and again, but I fear once I act the same, or get interested myself, then he will "poof". Case in point, "losing interest guy" was attentive but stopped being that way--originally I was the calm/cool one but showed him more and more attention. Now he's pulled away and I"m acting weird trying to hang with him...So I told "newer guy" I wanted to avoid intimacy in a non-exclusive dating and wanted to get to know him and that I was looking for "substance (despite meeting at a nightclub)"..he didn't seem put off by it, but who knows...and should I be "harder to get", even/esp if i end up really liking him? I did alot of nice things for him, perhaps that is a bad policy now? And...Should I let go of "losing interest" but see what happens with him also (see both of them)?[PHP][/PHP]
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #2  September 17,2009, 7:53pm
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The "losing interest guy," how long have y'all been dating? More, do you know if he too is dating someone else?
 
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cmr2009 is offline cmr2009 Post #3  September 17,2009, 8:19pm
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losing interest--I'd say we've talked since the end of July, but I'd say for that first few weeks on my end, it was platonic, because I didn't know he was interested. We have mutual friends and love movies, and he hangs around men and women pals so I didn't know he was interested in more until his friend said he told her he was attracted to me, etc. So I guess dating a month and a half. I'm sure he is likely dating someone else and he knows that I am, in a vague way, since from the beginning when he asked I said "I go out on different dates" from time to time. I didn't ask him the same question back, but if he knows I am dating other, he is free to do so/probably has. The thing is that since he told me he "wanted to see me more often" a few weeks ago, I agreed and picked up the pace and saw him twice a week as opposed to once or every other week. I have admittedly screwed it up w/ a bit "losing interest" by being too pushy to see him since I have sensed him backing off--I tried to hint that if his feelings had changed, he could tell me, he said they hadn't but that ain't how it seems. So.... I met "newer" randomly when I was out (on a night the other guy cancelled, actually) plus, I thought it was a good distraction from my embarassing clinginess with the other guy. And "newer" is attractive/intelligent/nice (seemingly) but its way to soon to tell what that can hold . he asked me to hang next Monday and we hung out this past Wednesday.
Last edited by cmr2009; September 17,2009 at 8:24pm.
 
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advicee is offline advicee Post #4  September 17,2009, 8:34pm
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #5  September 17,2009, 8:53pm
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I would say that you should go about what you are doing.

Try to avoid any talk of anything serious for awhile with either guy. Just try to get together with them every so often & be good company. That is the only nice thing that you really have to do.

I am not sure what you mean by doing nice things but some of those may create weirdness if done too early.

Also, try to not communicate every day with either of them.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #6  September 17,2009, 8:56pm
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hmm, 6 weeks.

Ya know, some guys are "chicken" about relationships. Once the relationship's pace changed, he withdrew. It's likely this was too much, too fast. I would continue to date him - with no expectations - and slow things down (...WAY DOWN). This allows to him to not feel suffocated; a little space may be what he needs.

HTH
 
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Aniger is offline Aniger Post #7  September 18,2009, 12:56am
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If he is losing interest, let him go. Clinging on would be worse.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  September 18,2009, 2:47am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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As you can probably tell by now, each guy is going to be different ...there's no one, simple answer to your question.

As much as I -really- hate to say this, though, most guys (some guys? - don't want to overly-generalize here) tend to like the chase, but once they feel like they've 'caught' you, their interest wanes a bit trying to figure out what value you bring to their table over whatever other options they have ...depends on what their value structure is like. For some, you need to be the 'hottest' woman he currently has available, for others, the best sex (or actually getting sex).

I think this is what's happened with "losing interest" guy, once you started paying more attention to him, he figured he 'caught' you ...and the "newer" guy is still in the 'chasing' phase.

Did I just suggest to play 'hard to get'? ...noooo, I hate games ...BUT as long as you are all dating other people, you are still competing in the game.
 
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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #9  September 18,2009, 10:15am
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Personally I'm big on communication so I'd like to have relationship talk. I never have been pushed too fast into anything. Im not afraid to commit to the right person. It makes me feel better because I'm not a serial dater, I will only date one woman at a time. I can't handle more nor do I want to try.
 
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richey is online now richey Post #10  October 2,2009, 7:13am
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Okay firstly... I'm going to say ~ be fair to NEW GUY and let him go. You are essentially using him and have no interest in him. (you stated he's good to get your "mind off LOSING GUY" and that yer worried that "once you become interested in NEW GUY" which means you are not interested in him currently).

So first things first ~ let NEW GUY go! You woudn't like it if you found out LOSING GUY were using you, so don't use somebody else in the meantime.

Now.. onto LOSER GUY (which is who you really want and are intrested in). Firstly, you're playing too many mindgames, so knock that off too. You sorta doomed yourself when you made a point to say early on, "i'm dating others". So basically you set it up a little retribution on his part.

LOSING GUY is backing off because of that, and because you've gotten clingy since. Nobody gets hot for clingers and tend to back off (thats' what you'r doing to NEW GUY cuz he's so clingy).

So if you want LOSING GUY, back off a bit and play it straight with him. No more games. No more "how to attract men" rules. If you gonna treat it like a game ~ then dont' be surprised if somebody games on you. Be real, be yourself, and don't play games.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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