jayjay is offline jayjay Post #51  September 16,2009, 8:31am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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librarybabe wrote :
I think that is a crucial part of building lasting commitment - not rushing into long term commitment until you are sure that you are willing and able to stick with them through thick & thin, and then sticking to that decision come what may (with the exceptions you described).
For me there are varying degrees of 'being willing to stick with them through thick and thin'. The only time it becomes being completely willing to stick is when married. Before that the willingness to stick is probably increasing over time up to that point. Even at these earlier stages I'd still consider myself to be in a committed relationship....even if it isn't 'as' committed at what I would be in a marriage.
 
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Allie_gator is offline Allie_gator Post #52  September 16,2009, 8:55am
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gothustartus wrote :
The way i think of commitment is exclusivity, planning for the future, being there for each other with mutual support and encouragement, keeping the relationship alive and not letting it stagnate...
All pretty standard stuff i suppose, my only real problem with it is when i'm with someone who thinks you're not committed if you're not mentioning it every five minutes. or knuckling under in every disagreement because if i was really committed i'd swallow any rubbish that's put in front of me for the sake of the relationship.
It sounds more like that person may have not been secured in the relationship, perhaps making them question your sincerity to the relationship. I think some women, not all, like their mates to make them feel secure in that relationship. Some need more security than others. Than again, perhaps that person was insecure in herself. Some women are like that and may need that verification, that reassurance that the relationship is solid. As for mentioning every five minutes, well, that's a bit too much.

A committed relationship to me, well is to feel secure in that relationship. Secure as in knowing that I trust that person not to cheat on me. To have honesty and great communication between each other through the good and the bad. Trust is very important. Some people may need to be with that person 24/7, but others, like myself I enjoy my space. I think trust, honesty, communication is only the beginning to any relationship. Committed, for me is when u know u don't want to be with anyone else but that person. When that happens? I think it is different for all of us.
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #53  September 18,2009, 7:12am
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bigfincat wrote :
The one thing that differentiates your way of thinking from mine is that I have an additional stage.

I would use a year as a benchmark for love.

I will be committed but would have to live with her for quite a while before marriage comes into mind.

I still have much more to learn about her & us.

I had a 3 1/2 year relationship where we both would have said yes to marriage after 3 years & NO after 3 1/2.

I kind of like the 3 years before engagement timeline. That is not set in stone by any stretch especially as age may or may not be a factor.
The thing that comes to my mind with this additional qualification for the level of commitment in which you would consider marriage, is that the qualification itself (living together) may defeat the likelihood of reaching that level of commitment where you would marry. We all can be difficult to live with. A lot more compromises and adjustments have to happen in a relationship in order to be able to live together, as you well know. I wonder if it is too much of a strain on a lower level of commitment to expect people to put up with all that extra work that living with someone else requires?

Just to use you as example, if the first three years you both would have said yes to marriage, but the last 6 months put the kibosh on the deal, it makes me wonder if you had been married, if you would have mutually decided to tough it out and keep working on the relationship, even though neither of you were happy during that period. I don't know the circumstances or you & your girlfriend's personalities, I'm just using your situation as a hypothetical question.

Obviously, for people who look at marriage as a "let's give this a try and see if it works" proposition, then living together isn't really a different level of commitment than living together. But for those of us who mean "to death do us part" I wonder if living together first can really bring the results we are hoping for.
 
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