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Nanette Nanette is offline
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gothustartus wrote :
my only real problem with it is when i'm with someone who thinks you're not committed if you're not mentioning it every five minutes.
i think someone like this ^^ is insecure in the relationship for some reason.


anyway, to me there are the initial stages of commitment where you are exclusive while you are getting to know each other better. you will reach a point (that is different for everyone) where you decide to continue the relationship long term or break up. i think this (exclusivity) should take place after three months or so and not go on any longer than a year just to give a time frame.

once you have that long term commitment (marriage for me) you should know that person well enough for it to be through thick and thin. in marriage you will encounter rough spots. i think there are dealbreakers even after commitment like cheating and abuse.... any kind of major breach of trust. love is what helps you to stick with that person even in their worst (non dealbreaking) moments. you can stay committed to someone without feeling loving feelings (not going into that debate), and i believe that unless you push it out of your mind deliberately, there should always be those reasons that you decided to make a commitment to that person in the first place that help to carry you both through.

long and rambling and i hope it got my point across
- September 15th, 2009, 07:18 pm
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Nanette wrote :


anyway, to me there are the initial stages of commitment where you are exclusive while you are getting to know each other better. you will reach a point (that is different for everyone) where you decide to continue the relationship long term or break up. i think this (exclusivity) should take place after three months or so and not go on any longer than a year just to give a time frame.
Would you say, then, that after a year of exclusivity, you should be able to commit to a permanent (or at least long term) relationship - and if not, to end the relationship?

I know you've specifically said that a long-term commitment for you would be marriage, but what do you see as problematic with just continuing an exclusive relationship as it is?
- September 15th, 2009, 07:33 pm
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Spider wrote :
Would you say, then, that after a year of exclusivity, you should be able to commit to a permanent (or at least long term) relationship - and if not, to end the relationship?
realizing that the amount of time would be different for different people i'd say that statement is accurate.

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I know you've specifically said that a long-term commitment for you would be marriage, but what do you see as problematic with just continuing an exclusive relationship as it is?
thats another issue that i avoid because i have heard and engaged in alllll of the debates (like the "is love a feeling" question) but i believe in the institution of marriage. i'll leave it at that.
- September 15th, 2009, 07:51 pm
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Nanette wrote :
realizing that the amount of time would be different for different people i'd say that statement is accurate.

Why do you put a time limit on it? If things are going well, wouldn't that put a strain on the relationship to hear that clock ticking in the background? Would you be more flexible, depending on the man and his individual situation? Depending on age, career, and the vagaries of life, perhaps it would take longer than a year to know a person well enough to make such a decision - would that change your schedule, or would you still call things off when your time limit was reached?

(I'm just throwing out hypotheticals here, and you really needn't answer if you don't want to. It struck me when I read your comment that I didn't really know my husband until we'd been married for more than twenty years, so I'm leery of time frames where relationships are concerned. Anyway, I love brainstorming and theoretical discussions. Just me. )
- September 15th, 2009, 08:18 pm
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Spider wrote :
Why do you put a time limit on it? If things are going well, wouldn't that put a strain on the relationship to hear that clock ticking in the background? Would you be more flexible, depending on the man and his individual situation? Depending on age, career, and the vagaries of life, perhaps it would take longer than a year to know a person well enough to make such a decision - would that change your schedule, or would you still call things off when your time limit was reached?

(I'm just throwing out hypotheticals here, and you really needn't answer if you don't want to. It struck me when I read your comment that I didn't really know my husband until we'd been married for more than twenty years, so I'm leery of time frames where relationships are concerned. Anyway, I love brainstorming and theoretical discussions. Just me. )
when i said a year that was one thing that popped into my head: "is a year really enough?"

idk really. it may not be, especially depending on the amount and quality of the contact.
- September 15th, 2009, 08:21 pm
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librarybabe wrote :
I was wondering what you would say, since you were the one who originally suggested (on another thread) that men & women may have different definitions. Maybe women just always want to "TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP" all the time and you don't see the point? Maybe we'll have to see when more women answer the question if they differ so very much, because most of you guys are saying pretty much similar definitions.
I don't have a problem with talking about the relationship, i just don't want it to be the only topic of conversation.

My last girlfriend thought i wasn't committed because i didn't love her. In a way she was right, but in a way she was wrong too, i gave it 110% but in the end i didn't love her and there was no getting past that, no matter how happy she said she'd be if i just lied about it.
A relationship before that i wasn't committed because i couldn't throw every prior financial and personal commitment out the window and make her the center of my universe, no matter how much time i spent with her or what i did for her, it wasn't enough if other things were important too. Her definition seemed to me to be that i would walk away from everyone else who was relying on me at the drop of a hat and leave them up the creek.
- September 15th, 2009, 10:54 pm
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librarybabe wrote :
That's what I noticed, so far. Ok, Lizzie, I'll add it to the OP & then you can answer. Of course, not many are answering the other part of the question, what qualities in a mate they are looking that would inspire them to become committed. (Wait that didn't sound right.) Maybe that is too much like an Eharmony question to want to touch.
I don't think any particular qualities inspire me to commit, at least not consciously, things just move along at their own pace until i realise that i want to commit to a person or have already become committed.
- September 15th, 2009, 11:01 pm
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Nanette wrote :
when i said a year that was one thing that popped into my head: "is a year really enough?"

idk really. it may not be, especially depending on the amount and quality of the contact.
The one thing that differentiates your way of thinking from mine is that I have an additional stage.

I would use a year as a benchmark for love.

I will be committed but would have to live with her for quite a while before marriage comes into mind.

I still have much more to learn about her & us.

I had a 3 1/2 year relationship where we both would have said yes to marriage after 3 years & NO after 3 1/2.

I kind of like the 3 years before engagement timeline. That is not set in stone by any stretch especially as age may or may not be a factor.
- September 15th, 2009, 11:10 pm
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I say it took me over a year and less than two to know that I could have married my ex. It takes awhile to just figure people out, let alone when you have expectations on them and you need to reconcile reality versus fantasy.
- September 15th, 2009, 11:20 pm
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Nanette wrote :
once you have that long term commitment (marriage for me) you should know that person well enough for it to be through thick and thin. in marriage you will encounter rough spots. i think there are dealbreakers even after commitment like cheating and abuse.... any kind of major breach of trust. love is what helps you to stick with that person even in their worst (non dealbreaking) moments. you can stay committed to someone without feeling loving feelings (not going into that debate), and i believe that unless you push it out of your mind deliberately, there should always be those reasons that you decided to make a commitment to that person in the first place that help to carry you both through.

long and rambling and i hope it got my point across
I think that is a crucial part of building lasting commitment - not rushing into long term commitment until you are sure that you are willing and able to stick with them through thick & thin, and then sticking to that decision come what may (with the exceptions you described).

Now if only our brain chemicals didn't sabotage our ability to clearly see reality when in love.
- September 16th, 2009, 09:23 am
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