Her heart says yes, her mind says no!


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toolman8 is offline toolman8 Post #1  September 14,2009, 5:01pm
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Hi all,

I've been lurking for quite a while and now that I have a question I'd like some thoughts on, I thought I'd jump right in and ask. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

I've been communicating with a wonderful woman for a few weeks electronically and I'm afraid I'm falling for her pretty hard. I'm also fairly certain the feelings are reciprocated. We've had a lot of great conversations and while she's usually extremely busy, she always carves out time for me. I know I'm able to make her tingle.

The downside? She lives in another state. I'm no fan of long distance relationships, but she makes my heart sing like no other has in a very long time. So now I have the opportunity to travel to a city near her on business, she said flat-out she wouldn't meet me. It isn't because she doesn't like me, but because I think she is afraid of liking me too much. She's had her heart broken badly in the past and has said several times that she no longer wishes to have a relationship as part of her life--she doesn't want the hurt. Her family and her children are enough. Yet there she is, talking to me and letting it progress...

So it got a little awkward, of course, but I left it last night at, "Well, I'm going to be at XX cafe on Friday night, October XX, at a table for two. Whether I dine alone is up to you."

Am I out of line? Have I become creepy stalker guy at this point because I keep pushing her? She hasn't said no, per se, but she has put the brakes on because her mind won't let her heart do the talking. Is trying to break through that barrier the romantic thing to do, or is honoring her wishes and leaving her alone what she really wants?

And honestly, I do wonder whether any relationship could ever work. But is meeting for dinner a bad idea just to see what happens? I'm an eternal optimist when it comes to love. I'm willing to give up everything I ever had for everything I ever wanted...

I'd like to hear what you might think. Thanks!
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #2  September 14,2009, 5:59pm
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After reading your post here it sounds to me like she has pretty much told you she does not want to meet, or engage in a relationship right now.

If you choose to keep talking with her about meeting you, that could be taken out of context and cause some problems. My advice to you would be to cease all communication with her, and go on to another potential a little closer to you.


Just my opinion and another reason I will not engage in any long distance romances. Just does not work for me.
 
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clearlyoblique is offline clearlyoblique Post #3  September 14,2009, 6:00pm
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Well ... no ... you aren't the creepy one.

I think the "I'm dining here with or without you" is the right approach.

Liking you too much? That only happens on soap operas and in gothic novels. You met on a dating site? Wouldn't that imply she wanted a relationship? What is she doing besides leading you on?

And here's the thing: no one is real until you meet them. No one.

She could be what she has said she is ... or a married woman trying on the single-online-invisibility-cloak ... leading a guy on for sport to see how it would feel in real life.

So, my hat's off to you for putting up the show up or shut up. Sounds like it's time.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  September 14,2009, 6:05pm
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toolman8 wrote :
Hi all,

I've been lurking for quite a while and now that I have a question I'd like some thoughts on, I thought I'd jump right in and ask. Your thoughts are much appreciated.

I've been communicating with a wonderful woman for a few weeks electronically and I'm afraid I'm falling for her pretty hard. I'm also fairly certain the feelings are reciprocated. We've had a lot of great conversations and while she's usually extremely busy, she always carves out time for me. I know I'm able to make her tingle.

The downside? She lives in another state. I'm no fan of long distance relationships, but she makes my heart sing like no other has in a very long time. So now I have the opportunity to travel to a city near her on business, she said flat-out she wouldn't meet me. It isn't because she doesn't like me, but because I think she is afraid of liking me too much. She's had her heart broken badly in the past and has said several times that she no longer wishes to have a relationship as part of her life--she doesn't want the hurt. Her family and her children are enough. Yet there she is, talking to me and letting it progress...

So it got a little awkward, of course, but I left it last night at, "Well, I'm going to be at XX cafe on Friday night, October XX, at a table for two. Whether I dine alone is up to you."

Am I out of line? Have I become creepy stalker guy at this point because I keep pushing her? She hasn't said no, per se, but she has put the brakes on because her mind won't let her heart do the talking. Is trying to break through that barrier the romantic thing to do, or is honoring her wishes and leaving her alone what she really wants?

And honestly, I do wonder whether any relationship could ever work. But is meeting for dinner a bad idea just to see what happens? I'm an eternal optimist when it comes to love. I'm willing to give up everything I ever had for everything I ever wanted...

I'd like to hear what you might think. Thanks!
i think that bolded thing is really movie romantic. it would be even more if she shows up. idk if she was really serious about the heartbreak i'm so scared shenanigans she really should cut off communication. she sounds like she is torn. if she means what she says all she has to do is not show up. simple.

leave it as is and pleeeasssee let us know what happens. thats my vote.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  September 14,2009, 6:08pm
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I don't think it was out of line. You're pretty much saying "Hey, you need to make a decision, so either fish or cut bait."

BUT if she doesn't show up, I would stop communicating with her and move on. Yes, she's been hurt in the past. We all have. But it's ridiculous and hurtful to play games the way she is.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #6  September 14,2009, 6:09pm

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Hey toolman,

The problem I see is why would someone like her chose to converse with a man out of state when she knew she had a hang up about it? Heck, we all got some stuff to be hung up on but don't we at least, at the bare minimum, need to know what are hang-ups are and respect them, at least own up to them???

So, I just don't really get why she would chose to communicate knowing you lived far away if she ever really had the intention of meeting you. So my bet, she is just not ready to date and enjoyed the communication until it became real.

And unfortunately, it was more real for you than she knew or wanted to know.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #7  September 14,2009, 6:22pm
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toolman8 wrote :
I've been communicating with a wonderful woman for a few weeks electronically and I'm afraid I'm falling for her pretty hard. ... she makes my heart sing like no other has in a very long time.
There's part of your problem. You can't "fall" for someone electronically. All you can do through the wire is fall in love with an idea. A fantasy.
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I left it last night at, "Well, I'm going to be at XX cafe on Friday night, October XX, at a table for two. Whether I dine alone is up to you."
Oh, my. I think you may have seen one too many chick flicks.

I am more and more convinced every day that the goal of eH must always be to get to a (safe) first meeting as soon as possible. If not sooner. Then you can evaluate a person. Accept no substitutes.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #8  September 14,2009, 6:31pm
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melman wrote :
There's part of your problem. You can't "fall" for someone electronically. All you can do through the wire is fall in love with an idea. A fantasy.
Oh, my. I think you may have seen one too many chick flicks.

I am more and more convinced every day that the goal of eH must always be to get to a (safe) first meeting as soon as possible. If not sooner. Then you can evaluate a person. Accept no substitutes.

melman you are forcing me to agree with you for the most part(lol). There are many very good reasons that I have to keep my emotions out of this process until there is reason to bring those in.

Mixing emotions with expectations is often a flammable mixture. Emotional interference can cause reasoning to shut down, at least for me anyway. That is not good.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  September 14,2009, 6:36pm
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Sounds like she was enjoying the penpal thing and while you were out of state and just a fun penpal it was all good. Now that you want to make it real....not so good anymore.

How certain are you that she is single or in fact is who she said she is? To categorically refuse to meet is very bizzare and her excuse does not hold water. I mean who hasn't been hurt when it comes to relationships? As others have already pointed out, if she knew from the get go that it's not going to go anywhere then stringing you along and letting you get attached is a very cruel thing to do.

On the other hand, do try to realize that a couple of weeks of e-mails, no matter how interesting, is nothing more than pixels on the screen. You are not so much attracted to her as an illusion that your mind built of her. Since you have never met, your mind has been busy filling in a whole lot of blanks about who she is and the reality rarely lives up to that illusion.

Just food for thought for you.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 14,2009, 6:37pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Regardless of the reason....if she won't meet you there is nothing more to say....unless all you're looking for is a penpal. Also, you'll probably learn through hard experience that 'liking' or 'falling for' someone via the internet means very little when you actually meet someone in person. There are just so many more variables face-to-face, even assuming the other person has been completely honest with you.
 
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