I need advise about "The conduct of a friend"


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Levigirl is offline Levigirl Post #1  September 14,2009, 12:01pm
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I was in a terrible situation this last weekend. I headed over the a really good friend of mine house (we have been friends for 15+ years). that lives a couple hours away. We went to a college football game on saturday then later that night went out to this really fun bar that she recommended as she works with the band members (a group of teachers). The football game ended around 4 so we had a few hours in between so we went back to here place and her husband being a huge football fan was watching his favorite team and there was still about 10min left on the clock when it was time to go. I didn't know till later that it was his favorite or it even existed. ever time i see him he always has a game on (kinda like back ground noise). Well he wanted to finish watching the game so I suggested that it would be fine with me to stay and finish it. my friend (his wife)would have nothing to do with that she got this pissy look on her face. he then said well maybe we could go get dinner at a sports bar and finish watching it there (we going to eat at the bar we were heading to anyway) as no one knew if the bar we were going to had the game on. Well we ended up just going to the bar ( not knowing if he would be able to watch the game or not) She must have thrown a fit... so we all ordered dinner and she said to him " you ordered all the and you're not going to eat it" that irritated him a bit + his team lost. I'm not sure what he said but she just started yelling at him. He was pretty quite. I never once heard him raise his voice but he did walk out side a couple time (i'm sure because he was so mad that he was afraid that he would start yelling at her) each time he went out side he came back and tried to calm her down and get on with our night, but each time she started up again, still mad and yelling. He even asked her to dance towards the end and right in front of every one she got like 1inch from his face and just started yelling and flailing her arms it was AWFUL i was so embarrassed. not only did every one in the bar see her but several of her co-works as well. I got up and went out side and her husband came out and said " come back in were going to forget about it and have some fun" as soon as i got back in she did it again by that time we all had had enough and we all left (it's like 10:30). My thought was that. he's a grown man that makes his own money.....If he doesn't want to eat his dinner that's his choice. He's not a little kid like she was treating him like.

She is so verbally abusive to him. I will be a long time before I ever do anything with them again and never never double date I would have just died if I would have had someone with me.

She is so controlling. she always has been but this was just way to much for me. He walks around like a little puppy dog that has been beat with at newspaper. He is a very nice looking guy. and a really nice guy (with the right women) Head couch for the high school football team. He's got it all going for him. She says she loves him that no one would ever be able to love her the way he loves her blah blah blah..... She is going to loose him if this keeps up.they have quite a history together and have only been married a couple years (together 6). This is here 3rd marriage.

My question do you think I should try and talk to her about it? Remember she is very controlling and doesn't think she's in the wrong. I have never gotten involved in the past. But this has been ongoing. I know if she doing it in public you can only imagine what she does to him at home.. Should I just keep quite or say something? there have been lots of other things in the past that i wont get into. I think you know the type.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  September 14,2009, 2:30pm
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I might; you may lose a friend ... or be the person who stepped up and made a difference when others turned away. That ought to count for something, right?

I would be thinking, though, that as much as she is out of line, there may be things about her he likes, and, at least personally, I would be reluctant to use moral language or opinion about her behavior.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  September 14,2009, 2:42pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Levigirl wrote :
My question do you think I should try and talk to her about it? Remember she is very controlling and doesn't think she's in the wrong. I have never gotten involved in the past. But this has been ongoing. I know if she doing it in public you can only imagine what she does to him at home.. Should I just keep quite or say something? there have been lots of other things in the past that i wont get into. I think you know the type.
Those kinds of people always rationalize and justify their behavior. This is another example of what I've written about before of needing to set 'boundaries and limitations'. My advice to you is not to discuss this woman's relationship with her husband with her. Just make sure that YOU set proper boundaries that you don't let a person like her cross. I'd let the husband and her deal with their own issues. Frankly, I'd walk out on the relationship before I'd let someone treat me like she does her husband.
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #4  September 14,2009, 3:05pm
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A "friend" who put me in the spot she put you in would only get to do it only once.

Personally, I would go to her in person, tell her that her abuse of her husband is obscene and making me a captive witness to it in Public is an outrageous disrespect to me and beginning this instant we are no longer friends and I sincerely hope her husband escapes from her insane behavior so he can enjoy the happy life he deserves. And then I would turn my back and walk away for good.

Local opinion(s) may vary.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  September 14,2009, 3:05pm
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I'd stay out of it. I'd try to limit my time with them, as you said.

There is no benefit to yourself to butt in. She's unlikely to take any advice you offer, and it might end your friendship, possibly with both of them turning on you! Advice unsought is often unwelcome...

You never know what goes on behind closed doors. He's a big boy. He has to fight his own battles.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  September 14,2009, 3:07pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Seneca wrote :
A "friend" who put me in the spot she put you in would only get to do it only once.

Personally, I would go to her in person, tell her that her abuse of her husband is obscene and making me a captive witness to it in Public is an outrageous disrespect to me and beginning this instant we are no longer friends and I sincerely hope her husband escapes from her insane behavior so he can enjoy the happy life he deserves. And then I would turn my back and walk away for good.

Local opinion(s) may vary.
Yeah....I probably wouldn't go out with a couple like that again. From the description...it almost sounds like the management of the restaurant (or wherever they were) might have asked them to leave. That's not my kind of crowd to hang out with.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #7  September 14,2009, 3:09pm

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that reminds me of my best friend from high school. She was so critical of the guy she eventually married. Talking to her about it got ME labeled as controlling and her fiance ended up hating me and telling her he would not come home (they had a baby together at this time) if she kept talking to me.

Now, no one talks to her. She had so many friends and no one has heard from her. She was critical of him, very, especially in public....but he was just as controlling and manipulative.

now they have each other, and no one else, and I lost my friend, too.

If I were you I might mention it but don't be surprised if she reacts terribly. I do try to stay out of my friends relationships unless they are always coming to me for my advice, which I am honest about.

Some people I have had to drop because of their unhealthy relationships and antics that affected me (oh, say, calling me at 12am because they just HAVE to drive by their boyfriends house....etc.). Some people, you just can't talk any sense into and they deplete you of all energy...and never take sensible advice anyway.

.....well, you never know what was going on with this couple in the first place. Why do you think he takes this from her? often times there is a dynamic going on that we don't see.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  September 14,2009, 3:09pm
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If you think physical abuse is going on, then it doesn't matter what gender is on the receiving end of it, you should say something.
BUT...verbal abuse is a different matter.
You'll lose your friend, and basically he's so use to it because he's been in it for so long....he's like a trained dog.
Anything you say to either of them is not going to do anything.
Stay out of it.
Remember: For every person who gets away with treating someone like cr#p...there's a person who puts up with it.
it's the old "act like a heel and you'll get stepped on" theory.

They both probably need to seek professional help, but it's step only both of them can make. It is sad.
Last edited by TheThinker; September 14,2009 at 3:13pm.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  September 14,2009, 3:10pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
There is no benefit to yourself to butt in.

I think the OP is not thinking of herself.

Is there anything she can do to help either party?

If not for the husband's sake, but for the wife's?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  September 14,2009, 3:11pm
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Levigirl wrote :

My question do you think I should try and talk to her about it? Remember she is very controlling and doesn't think she's in the wrong. I have never gotten involved in the past. But this has been ongoing. I know if she doing it in public you can only imagine what she does to him at home.. Should I just keep quite or say something? there have been lots of other things in the past that i wont get into. I think you know the type.
Prepare for her to flip out on you if you do. Actually, my guess is that she already does flip out on you unless you tiptoe around her.

The bottom line is that he is responsible for himself and if he has been with her for six years there are probably other things going on that you don't know about.
 
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