Should I date 2 men, and how to handle it?


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sari605 is offline sari605 Post #1  September 13,2009, 1:13pm
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Been dating a man for 2 months. we met at house party of mutual friends. i'm in my 40's, he's in his 50's. He's been divorced 5 years and me for 2 years. He's had 2 serious relationships since divorce, I've had 1 and dated quite a lot. we go out once a week, and have had some great dates. i'm very attracted to him, he's decent, funny, smart, etc. we've agreed this isn't casual but haven't mentioned the "exclusive" word. we're going at a slow but steady pace. we both have busy careers, i have 2 teenagers, and he plays a lot of golf (i've been to his club and introduced around). He will send me text messages mostly and I tend to pick up the phone and call him because i drive alot. I admit I wish the pace would pick up, would like to see him more often, but have heard he was burned badly in last relationship and cautious...anyway don't want to push... but here is the "dilemma" . Last weekend i met someone from my hometown while hanging out at local spot. We exchanged business cards. The new guy has asked me out. He is a good guy, decent, smart, common interests. What do I do? Have a conversation with the current guy that someone has asked me out and what does he think about it? I don't want to send the wrong message to the current guy - i really like him and see potential. Maybe I say nothing and go out with new guy - but that feels wrong. Or just put new guy on hold for a while? If I do go out with the new guy, I think protocol is to tell him that there is someone I'm dating but not exclusive. Frankly I've never been in this situation... and i'm already stressing over it ... but my friends tell me to enjoy it. help!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  September 13,2009, 1:35pm
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sari605 wrote :
What do I do? Have a conversation with the current guy that someone has asked me out and what does he think about it? I don't want to send the wrong message to the current guy - i really like him and see potential. Maybe I say nothing and go out with new guy - but that feels wrong. Or just put new guy on hold for a while? If I do go out with the new guy, I think protocol is to tell him that there is someone I'm dating but not exclusive. Frankly I've never been in this situation... and i'm already stressing over it ... but my friends tell me to enjoy it. help!

I think the ideas you have already are excellent (you ought to be giving advice instead of looking for it.)

If your current partner has discussed and agreed that it's not exclusive, you are free to see others ... that said, seeing others is signaling inadequacy with your current partner. (I tend not to have multiple partners, but others do.)

I think the best course is to let both guys take you out, while being honest with both if asked. I would likely lose interest in you, but I think I am uncommon in that.
Last edited by D_Lion; September 13,2009 at 1:37pm.
 
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grneydldy is offline grneydldy Post #3  September 13,2009, 1:35pm
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If you and the guy you've been dating for 2 months have a sexual relationship, he might assume you are exclusive. Of course, he might assume this even if your relationship is not yet sexual. Is there a way you could bring up exclusivity with this guy without pushing him away if he assumes you aren't exclusive? If he thinks you are exclusive and you date someone else, that might be the end of this relationship forever. I know people shouldn't assume anything, but, let's face it, many do. Good luck with this and I hope it all works out in your best interest.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  September 13,2009, 1:59pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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If you're not in an 'exclusive' relationship with guy #1 then I don't think you need to even bring up your dating life apart from him. Hopefully when you and he had the conversation(s) about your relationship 'not being casual' that he didn't infer this meant exclusive. You may also want to keep in mind that some men who have 'been burned in the past' always hold back. Personally, I wouldn't wait for a woman to 'get over' something from her past. I take people as they are at the present. If they need to get over something, well, then they can try contacting me after they have done so.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  September 13,2009, 2:00pm
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I'm going to tell you what I would do, were I in your position.

I would have the conversation with the current guy. This is where you see potential, and you wouldn't feel right about seeing somebody else without him knowing.

You've dated quite a bit, so I'm going to assume you know what you want and now you see potential there. Neither of you thinks it's casual. You wish the pace would pick up.

If he is the decent man you say he is, he will not turn away from you. He will likely welcome the conversation. He may already think you are exclusive, especially if sex is involved.

If your positions were reversed, what would you want from him?
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #6  September 13,2009, 2:34pm
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"j0hn8andy's" comments seem pretty sound to me. For one thing, you aren't talking about a 19-year-old. Even though he may have a scorch mark or two on him, he's still likely to have the maturity to be understanding and honest about his relationship with you. If he has been careful enough to take it slow and steady, he' s smart enough to understand that 2 months worth of "slow and steady", however pleasant, is a far cry from "forsaking all others" and certainly does not give him the deed to your Life. I'm thinking he will take it better than expected anyway.

Good Luck !
 
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