From Forgiveness to trusting again


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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #1  September 12,2009, 7:40pm
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I am going to piggyback on a thread that Simplemind started about a week ago about forgiveness and what that was about. See link below. It is a great read and a great thread.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...all-about.html (Fogiveness...what's That all about?)

After forgiving someone after a really deep hurt what does it take to trust again. Even if you are not in a relationship with that person it may still take a while to trust another person and be open and vulnerable knowing what can possibly occur.

Is it possible to ever trust the same way and as deeply in a romantic relationship? What did it take (and how long) to trust again after a deep hurt?
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #2  September 12,2009, 7:52pm
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Oooo...This is a good follow up to that thread...don't know how to answer this one..most likely it depends on how deep those roots are between you and the other person,the nature of the hurt and the odds that they can repeat that hurt again.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #3  September 12,2009, 8:14pm
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yoga_gal wrote :
I am going to piggyback on a thread that Simplemind started about a week ago about forgiveness and what that was about. See link below. It is a great read and a great thread.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...all-about.html (Fogiveness...what's That all about?)

After forgiving someone after a really deep hurt what does it take to trust again. Even if you are not in a relationship with that person it may still take a while to trust another person and be open and vulnerable knowing what can possibly occur.

Is it possible to ever trust the same way and as deeply in a romantic relationship? What did it take (and how long) to trust again after a deep hurt?
For me, it is possible to trust completely again, though it takes me some time to heal. I have to heal not only from the pain of the hurt/violation of my trust, but I also have to heal enough so that I don't fall into the trap of assuming every man I meet is going to be like the one who caused the pain. Until I'm to that point, though, I'm just setting myself up to fail if I get involved with anyone. How fair is that to anyone who I might be dating?

I can't really put a time table on this, as it varies for me depending on the type of relationship and the length of time spent in it. With my ex-fiance, every time I'd start to heal I'd uncover more deceit and more violations of my trust, and then I felt like I was starting parts of the process all over again. It ended up taking me a good year before I was ready to put myself back out there, because once I was done dealing with all of that, I had to make sure that I was really ready to try it again and truly be open to all of the possibilities, both good and bad. I had to be sure I wasn't moving forward with a suspicious nature, as well.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #4  September 12,2009, 8:25pm
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Interesting point about thinking you were starting to heal and then you would discover something else that you needed to start parts of the process again. I have had that happen and I think it showed me that healing isn't necessarily a straight line kind of path. I think it takes a while to find all the pockets of hurt and mistrust.

For myself I feel like I am healed/healing when I don't just have a knee jerk reaction to a situation but can process the situation on it's on merits.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  September 12,2009, 9:09pm
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yoga_gal wrote :
After forgiving someone after a really deep hurt what does it take to trust again. Even if you are not in a relationship with that person it may still take a while to trust another person and be open and vulnerable knowing what can possibly occur.

Is it possible to ever trust the same way and as deeply in a romantic relationship? What did it take (and how long) to trust again after a deep hurt?
The greatest hurt I have ever sustained was when my husband died. I certainly can't hold it against him; he didn't want to die. And who else is there? God?

Life just isn't fair! Who can I blame for that?

If I was to place any blame, it would be upon myself for being so naive to believe he would live forever just because I loved him and wanted more of him. I finally lost my innocence at 57.

I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to love a man again, and trust him not to die on me. I like to think I'll get there someday; I know my husband would want that for me, if I could. But right now, I'd have to say no.

The good side? I'm pretty sure nothing and nobody can ever hurt me worse than this...
Last edited by j0hn8andy; September 12,2009 at 9:14pm. Reason: there's always a good side
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #6  September 12,2009, 9:24pm
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I think it's about understanding the person who was not trustworthy and recognizing the signs so you will spot the untrustworthy better in the future. If you understand it was about him, you can move on and find a better person.
 
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simplemind is offline simplemind Post #7  September 12,2009, 10:08pm
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john8andy, last12c, winn, and other wonderful women who asked not for their pain....I can't include you in this, but I do believe there are parts of this you may find we share....

Where is the line drawn between forgiving the "him" in our world and "me"? It's like Rubik's cube--every time we think we have it solved, another side presents itself, undone. And so we find ourselves starting over.

Or do we?

With each sling, with each arrow, I may bleed and scar. Scars are not as flexible as the tissue around them, and they are a constant reminder of an injury I sustained. But if I have learned from them--what led to it, what might have warned me of the injury to come, and how to better appreciate the very fine moments preceding the hurt--then perhaps the scar is a sign of maturity more than a sign only of loss and pain.

If I can forgive the "him" for his errrors that hurt me, and harder yet can forgive myself for staying when all the signs said it was going to hurt me and I stayed anyway....then I believe I can trust again. Never as innocently and widely open as when I was a child, I know.

But that, I think, is a very good thing.

As a wise man once sang, "The sadder but wiser woman for me!"

I'd rather be wise. I hope to be, one day. I think I will appreciate the cube's sides all being lined up so very much more than I would have back then.
Last edited by simplemind; September 12,2009 at 10:10pm. Reason: thanks, yoga_gal. this is a wonderful continuance.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  September 12,2009, 10:24pm
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I think it depends on the hurt and exactly how bad it was, i know i can forgive until the cows come home, but if i can't forget then there will always be this little awareness in the back of my mind which may colour everything else to some degree, and that can't help but change things.
 
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simplemind is offline simplemind Post #9  September 12,2009, 10:41pm
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gothustartus wrote :
I think it depends on the hurt and exactly how bad it was, i know i can forgive until the cows come home, but if i can't forget then there will always be this little awareness in the back of my mind which may colour everything else to some degree, and that can't help but change things.
As well it ought, gothustartus.

Without that, we would make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

And that, to me, is sheer stupidity.

Where did I read it..."The real definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome."

To me, that slight hesitance, that caution, is a sure sign of the road to wisdom.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #10  September 12,2009, 11:24pm
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simplemind wrote :
As well it ought, gothustartus.

Without that, we would make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

And that, to me, is sheer stupidity.

Where did I read it..."The real definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome."

To me, that slight hesitance, that caution, is a sure sign of the road to wisdom.
Sure, i agree, i just don't want the hesitation to take over. I hate overthinking the negative because i'm too damn good at it, i'll think myself right out of the park if i let myself.
I think it's a question of awareness vs overawareness.
 
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