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theweave theweave is offline
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I know this is probably an old thread but let me wade in here!

By all means, start dating her but be very very careful! My ex was "IN LOVE" with me and I was "IN LOVE" with her too. I knew her finances were in shambles. I used to spend weekends there and every week a creditor was phoning her. Her cell phone got cut off due to non payment.

Despite all of this (and fellow members can slap me around for this!), I let her charge her van repairs to my credit card. At that point we were "in love" and everything was good (I thought) and it was 3 days before Christmas!

Well she promised to re-pay me and repeated that promise when we broke up last Feb. She did give me some money the day I picked up my belongings and than nothing for a while. I finally sent her an email (when I knew she was working aagain, she got laid off for a bit so I cut her some slack) and told her that if she didn't start paying me back, I would pursue it other ways.

She did send me 2 cheques (which thankfully did not go NSF on me!) than said in a letter "I will pay you in July when my income tax comes in", I heard nothing from her from July to August 29.

August 29 was the day I drove to her hometown and filed a claim in Small Claims Court and had my friend serve her with it. She wrote me an email the next week saying "I found out my income tax refund was mailed out today and when I get it, you will get your money." Hmmmm where have I heard this before????

I will get my money, either from her or through the courts!

Bottom line, be careful!!! Don't be like me and get in over your head and end up in more difficulty than when you started! I was paying for stuff when I was with her (and have credit card debt to prove it!).

Just be careful, but go for it if you want to!

Good luck!
- September 12th, 2009, 10:20 pm
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AsianW AsianW is offline
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theweave wrote :
I know this is probably an old thread but let me wade in here!

By all means, start dating her but be very very careful! My ex was "IN LOVE" with me and I was "IN LOVE" with her too. I knew her finances were in shambles. I used to spend weekends there and every week a creditor was phoning her. Her cell phone got cut off due to non payment.

Despite all of this (and fellow members can slap me around for this!), I let her charge her van repairs to my credit card. At that point we were "in love" and everything was good (I thought) and it was 3 days before Christmas!

Well she promised to re-pay me and repeated that promise when we broke up last Feb. She did give me some money the day I picked up my belongings and than nothing for a while. I finally sent her an email (when I knew she was working aagain, she got laid off for a bit so I cut her some slack) and told her that if she didn't start paying me back, I would pursue it other ways.

She did send me 2 cheques (which thankfully did not go NSF on me!) than said in a letter "I will pay you in July when my income tax comes in", I heard nothing from her from July to August 29.

August 29 was the day I drove to her hometown and filed a claim in Small Claims Court and had my friend serve her with it. She wrote me an email the next week saying "I found out my income tax refund was mailed out today and when I get it, you will get your money." Hmmmm where have I heard this before????

I will get my money, either from her or through the courts!

Bottom line, be careful!!! Don't be like me and get in over your head and end up in more difficulty than when you started! I was paying for stuff when I was with her (and have credit card debt to prove it!).

Just be careful, but go for it if you want to!

Good luck!
Very good advice. I am an attorney who has counseled many, many married couples on their estate planning as well as legal problems with respect to their small businesses, and believe me I have seen my share of problems with married couples that have financial problems stemming from one partner not being able to curb his/her spending habits. I have also been divorced, and know that it is a very painful process. My motto is: if you see a red flag, abort, abort, abort! It is not about looking too far ahead, it is about being able to anticipate problems, and prevent them from happening. Helping people avoid problems is what I do on a daily basis for my clients as their legal counsel.
- September 12th, 2009, 10:40 pm
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Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is offline
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theweave wrote :
I know this is probably an old thread but let me wade in here!

By all means, start dating her but be very very careful! My ex was "IN LOVE" with me and I was "IN LOVE" with her too. I knew her finances were in shambles. I used to spend weekends there and every week a creditor was phoning her. Her cell phone got cut off due to non payment.

Despite all of this (and fellow members can slap me around for this!), I let her charge her van repairs to my credit card. At that point we were "in love" and everything was good (I thought) and it was 3 days before Christmas!

Well she promised to re-pay me and repeated that promise when we broke up last Feb. She did give me some money the day I picked up my belongings and than nothing for a while. I finally sent her an email (when I knew she was working aagain, she got laid off for a bit so I cut her some slack) and told her that if she didn't start paying me back, I would pursue it other ways.

She did send me 2 cheques (which thankfully did not go NSF on me!) than said in a letter "I will pay you in July when my income tax comes in", I heard nothing from her from July to August 29.

August 29 was the day I drove to her hometown and filed a claim in Small Claims Court and had my friend serve her with it. She wrote me an email the next week saying "I found out my income tax refund was mailed out today and when I get it, you will get your money." Hmmmm where have I heard this before????

I will get my money, either from her or through the courts!

Bottom line, be careful!!! Don't be like me and get in over your head and end up in more difficulty than when you started! I was paying for stuff when I was with her (and have credit card debt to prove it!).

Just be careful, but go for it if you want to!

Good luck!

Thank you for your experience here, I have had other women who were simply trying to get financial help from me. None have yet because there are people of either gender who spend all their waking moments trying to take people.

I learned all about these type of people from being married to my ex!! Did not work for her either. This thread was posted just last night. It has been used for some to argue other points as well.
- September 12th, 2009, 10:45 pm
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legend29 legend29 is offline
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alng wrote :
Peg:
I'm all about living within one's means. I said that earlier. If more money is needed it is the man's responsibility to get that second job- he's a man and that's his role, hello.

Yes, if you want to consider it a free pass then the ladies get it- though taking care of the home and children is not necessarily a free pass. It is a lot of work.
Why aren't the men standing up for themselves and saying that they are men and want to be treated as such...this is because of the lax standards, they don't feel they have to put forth the effort and they don't but they do gripe and complain about the bills.
Incidentally, why are we making it seem as if women are the only spendthrifts, I mean there are men who are fiscally irresponsible too and women who are very conscious in their spending.

Aah well.
Okay....I have been reading your posts and I really don't get what you are alluding to about men.

I have been married (currently divorced), and engaged twice since my divorce, and have never met a man that you describe. Nor have I ever met a woman that thinks like you.

My mom never worked...she was a stay-at-home mom raising nine children. When I was married and raising children I did not work most of the time, but when I did work, the money was pooled together for household expenses, vacations, clothes groceries, etc. My ex hated it when I worked...he felt that he was financially able to take care of his wife and kids without my income (which was true), but once he saw my first paycheck he stopped complaining. I worked because it gave me a sense of fullfillment.

But that was in the 80's when women had a choice in regards to employment. In this day and age, both parties need to have an income...the days of a woman staying home to raise children are dead and gone. I would stay home after having a child for about 3 months and then go back to work. My ex had paternity leave and would take off from work for 2 months to help me out because I had C-sections. It is not about you expecting a man to be the breadwinner....you will need to put something financially into the marriage as well.

I find it truly insulting for any woman to think that marriage is somehow a "free pass", and look at marriage as a way to have her husband work "two jobs" while she sits home. To me, that is the ultimate slap in the face and wholly disrespectful to her husband. Why should he have to work two jobs when you are able-bodied? Why should he have to miss seeing his kids grow up because he is slaving away like a dog, while you do nothing to alleviate his burden?

Marriage is a union...united...you are one... and care about the welfare of each other. It is not about expecting your husband to be the sole breadwinner and reducing his quality of life....just because you have some archaic notions that it is his financial reponsibilty to work like a dog from sunrise to sunset for your amusement. I have heard about women that quit their jobs after being married...and look forward to being married and 'never having to work again'...smiling gleefully as they look towards their emanicpation from working...that is crazy (imo).

BTW: Have you ever been married?...divorced? That would be curious data in of itself!
- September 13th, 2009, 07:25 am
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chawks64 chawks64 is offline
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Hey wait! Guys, don't automatically write off the broke chicks!

I admit, I'm not rolling in the dough. I have a tough time paying the bills every month, but it's not due to irresponsibility or lack of effort. Some of us spent a huge chunk of our adult lives taking care of our families and making sure our spouse was able to do everything he needed in order to succeed. So now he's pulling in 6 figures and I'm paycheck to paycheck. Never took a dime of alimony, but that's now a mark against me?

Would it be easier financialy if I was married to or living with a man? Sure. It would be easier for BOTH of us. One rent check, one electric bill... it just is. But that doesn't mean I'm looking to be rescued. I've been with millionaires and guys that were barely making it as well, and the decisions to date them or dump them never had anything to do with money.

Being broke sometimes has more to do with putting other people's dreams above our own potential to make money. Not always a smart choice, but history is history, and I am what I am.

As far as the giving out WAY too much personal info, yeah, well that sounds like me. Especially when I haven't dated for a while, I will just run off at the mouth. It's partly the ADHD, partly nerves and partly feeling comfortable with someone. I know I do it on my very first job interview as well, so I always try to have a "throw away" interview that I can blow it on and then do well on the rest.
- September 13th, 2009, 07:26 am
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legend29 legend29 is offline
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legend29 wrote :
Okay....I have been reading your posts and I really don't get what you are alluding to about men.

I have been married (currently divorced), and engaged twice since my divorce, and have never met a man that you describe. Nor have I ever met a woman that thinks like you.

My mom never worked...she was a stay-at-home mom raising nine children. When I was married and raising children I did not work most of the time, but when I did work, the money was pooled together for household expenses, vacations, clothes groceries, etc. My ex hated it when I worked...he felt that he was financially able to take care of his wife and kids without my income (which was true), but once he saw my first paycheck he stopped complaining. I worked because it gave me a sense of fullfillment.

But that was in the 80's when women had a choice in regards to employment. In this day and age, both parties need to have an income...the days of a woman staying home to raise children are dead and gone. I would stay home after having a child for about 3 months and then go back to work. My ex had paternity leave and would take off from work for 2 months to help me out because I had C-sections. It is not about you expecting a man to be the breadwinner....you will need to put something financially into the marriage as well.

I find it truly insulting for any woman to think that marriage is somehow a "free pass", and look at marriage as a way to have her husband work "two jobs" while she sits home. To me, that is the ultimate slap in the face and wholly disrespectful to her husband. Why should he have to work two jobs when you are able-bodied? Why should he have to miss seeing his kids grow up because he is slaving away like a dog, while you do nothing to alleviate his burden?

Marriage is a union...united...you are one... and care about the welfare of each other. It is not about expecting your husband to be the sole breadwinner and reducing his quality of life....just because you have some archaic notions that it is his financial reponsibilty to work like a dog from sunrise to sunset for your amusement. I have heard about women that quit their jobs after being married...and look forward to being married and 'never having to work again'...smiling gleefully as they look towards their emanicpation from working...that is crazy (imo).

BTW: Have you ever been married?...divorced? That would be curious data in of itself!
(sorry all...my only rant of the day...pinky swear...*stepping down from my soapbox now...ever so gingerly*)
- September 13th, 2009, 07:27 am
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Thaliana1981 Thaliana1981 is offline
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I do this. I try not to, but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

It's for all the innocent reasons people have stated. I get nervous, I'm rambling...

Another thing I do that I'd like to stop is talking so much about my ex husband. He left over two years ago. But he always seems to come up. Especially when I'm asked why I don't use my degree.

I helped my ex through school to become a police officer. I worked whatever job I could find, not using my bachelor's degree because I needed to take a retraining course before I could get a job in my field. The course was expensive. We agreed that he'd go though school first.

Six weeks after he graduated and became a police officer, he walked out.

I still haven't gotten my retraining, because I can't afford it now. So I'm still living paycheck to paycheck.

Got into a relationship with a guy who was unemployed, but looking for a job. I did what I could to help him until he found a job, he promised that once he was back on his feet, I could go to school, and then everything would be golden.

But his jealousy, his controlling behavior, it all became too much. I chose to leave.

I'm doing my best to make it on my own, but life has a way of throwing me curve balls. I don't need a man to take care of me, and I refuse to allow one to say that he will ever again.

The idealistic days of "You'll be a stay at home mom and I'll provide for our family" are long gone.

I think that everything should be situational. Some women have the capacity to make more money than their partners. I know many stay at home dads.

Some people choose not to have children. Some men are better at homemaking than women.

Sweeping generalizations make me angry. And I think I'm rambling now, lol.

But in your case, OP, I'd say go with your gut. It's probable that she's nervous like many of us, and she might even be embarrassed by what she said, or regret it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, though I'm almost certain from your posts you've decided to do that.

Take care!
- September 13th, 2009, 01:22 pm
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Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is offline
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Good afternoon from the left coast. This thread has been interesting and it looks like there are some good topics for other threads.

I have some as well, after a first meeting the other day with another woman. We all have different points of view based on who we are as individuals and lifes experiences.

For me the income level or assets of any potential partner is not what I use to decide if we may be compatible. I am interested in who the person is inside, not material assets or money or possessions.

Keeping my emotions out of this process helps me to be fair and objective, and not get all caught up in the dreamy what if's that can, at least in my case, shut down any internal warnings that may arise.

But that is just me.
- September 13th, 2009, 01:58 pm
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legend29 wrote :
(sorry all...my only rant of the day...pinky swear...*stepping down from my soapbox now...ever so gingerly*)
Dear legend,
It was a beautiful rant. Thank you.
-sm
- September 13th, 2009, 09:20 pm
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simplemind wrote :
Dear legend,
It was a beautiful rant. Thank you.
-sm
Thanx sm...it needed to be said!
- September 14th, 2009, 10:26 am
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