Playing games....or subtext communication?


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #1  September 9,2009, 8:39pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I've oftentimes read and heard people say 'I don't play games' when referring to a number of dating or relationship behaviors. One old standby example is 'How soon to call?'...or email or whatever. There are old cliches such as that one should wait two or three days or some amount of time before calling after getting a phone number. Some would say they 'don't play games' such as how long to wait before calling.

However, I wonder if these 'games' actually are part of communicating with someone, but that the communication is in the subtext. I think that everything about how one behaves communicates information about oneself. Even what one doesn't do can communicate information.

Take, for example, calling someone the same night that you get their phone number. I think this can communicate possibilities such as that one doesn't have the ability to control themselves and wait, that they may be needy, desperate etc. It's not that these things are necessarily the case....but they might be. However, if one waits a certain amount of time to call....I think this possible message is likely eliminated from the subtext of communication.

I'm sure examples exist in which 'game playing' is negative. However, the above is just one example of how I think that what oftentimes gets labeled as 'playing games' may actually be a means of communicating information about oneself in an implicit, nonverbal way. Do you think these types of things are always negative...or that they are something to be utilized? Have any other examples to share?
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #2  September 9,2009, 8:48pm
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You are again trying ever so hard to make my gray matter chatter. I will have to think on this one, as it may be a trick question..
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  September 9,2009, 8:56pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Laughingdaily wrote :
You are again trying ever so hard to make my gray matter chatter. I will have to think on this one, as it may be a trick question..
Just remember....the future of the world hangs upon your answer. No pressure.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  September 9,2009, 8:58pm
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I agree. A lot of what we call game playing is sort of like subsonic communication.
People test each other constantly. Consciously and subconciously.
This testing and game playing is just another way of indirectly communicating and fact finding for ourselves. In the wrong hands, it leads to confusion and annoyance.
But mostly we use it as a tool to filter out what we don't want.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #5  September 9,2009, 9:08pm
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jayjay wrote :
Just remember....the future of the world hangs upon your answer. No pressure.

OK now that is not fair. You are trying to RUSH me!! and you know I can not take this kind of pressure while my gray matter is chattering!!
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #6  September 9,2009, 9:25pm
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I think we all use various "tools", "filters" or any name you want to insert. Most people do this subconciously as a matter of everyday routines. Then when the juices start flowing and things are focused on a different target, they engage more to either help you or maybe alert you to something depending on the target.

Also used for communication in non-verbal forms.

Whew, did I make that deadline??????
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #7  September 9,2009, 10:21pm
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Game playing is very subjective. To some, waiting 2-3 days to respond to a communication is not a game, but rather, the sensible thing to do, while others see that as game playing. Or, there are those that think that responding to an eH communication ASAP is the sensible thing to do, while others might see that as game playing (for example, they might see that as trying to make yourself look more interested in someone than you really are).

Then again, others might see the "game" as something sensible and necessary.
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  September 9,2009, 10:36pm
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Now, you see? This is the kind of thing that bugs me. Not you specifically, JayJay but in general.

"Playing games' is neither productive or effective. If we are talking about good communication -- honesty, but with a level of sensitivity about how we might be perceived -- then shouldn't we just be able be ourselves (assuming we are not needy or desperate)? That would include calling when we want to and responding when we can, for example.

I figure if I play games, then the woman the guy will perceive he's getting to know will be someone other than me. Authenticity is important to me.

I can think of one exception to this however. It's really more of a Golden Rule kind of thing. When a guy suggests we get together for a date but calls at the last minute to let me know for sure, it bugs me. I see it as more of a boundary issue than game-playing. It's fun to be spontaneous -- some of the most romantic things I've done were planned at the last minute or even unplanned. But I don't want to encourage lack of planning or an attitude that I can be his Plan B. I think it's disrespectful to repeatedly expect someone to be available at the last minute, and I don't do it to others. So, busy or not...I'm usually busy in this situation.

Is that game-playing? Jeez, I hope not.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; September 9,2009 at 10:43pm.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  September 10,2009, 3:20am
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I define 'game playing' as using deceit or some other method to gain some kind of control. Playing hard to get would be an example. Oftentimes, though, it is difficult to see through it and filter those type of people out. I guess it comes with experience.

You mentioned waiting between communications or waiting to call someone. When I was subscribed to eH, sometimes communications would go back and forth in one night if we were both on line at the same time and I didn't see that as necessarily being needy or desperate. But on the other hand, when more than a couple days passed without hearing back from someone, my 'radar' would click on and I wondered if they were going by some rule book.

Once I got a phone number I'd let them know approximately when to expect my call -- usually well into the evening but before it gets late. It may even be later the same night. If they didn't answer and didn't call back by the next night, then the 'radar' goes on again.

Flaking out more than once is another example of game playing. Either they're (or I'm) interested or not. Be mature enough to say you're not interested and move on.

So yeah, I agree that communication behaviors tell quite a bit about someone and definitely sway my decision. One just has to be careful to watch for the right signs and not jump to the wrong conclusion too swiftly.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 10,2009, 4:21am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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lacedwithhope wrote :
"Playing games' is neither productive or effective. If we are talking about good communication -- honesty, but with a level of sensitivity about how we might be perceived -- then shouldn't we just be able be ourselves (assuming we are not needy or desperate)? That would include calling when we want to and responding when we can, for example.
But the thing is....he (or she) doesn't know if you are needy or desperate, because they don't know you yet. In the example I'm using here if you jump every chance you get to communicate or be with him, because you're 'authentically interested in him'...then he may get the impression that you at least might be needy and desperate. However, if you aren't really needy and desperate (maybe we need an acronym for that ) then you would be able to wait a couple days, so doing so could be authentic too. For the N & D person...they might not even be able to wait.

When I'm planning to call a woman I want to take out on a date there isn't just one behavior that is authentic for me. There are a whole range of things I could do that would be authentic, that range from when I call, what I say to her, what I ask her to do with me and when etc. I don't see one set of these behaviors (such as calling her at X time) as authentic and all other possibilities as game playing. And, to me it does seem valid to take into account how my actions will, or at least might, be perceived by the person I'm interacting with. For you to 'be yourself' is there only one possible action to take? And do you consider how the context of this action and how he might respond to this?
 
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