considering reconnecting with someone from the past


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  September 9,2009, 9:38am
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Hi all. Last year I met a man on a dating site (not EH). He and I were long distance, but hit it off immediately - sending many long emails back and forth, and spend many hours on the phone together. We never met, but had a short intense communication for over a month. I truly was interested in this man... as I was attracted to him, and we had an amazing intellectual connection, and many common interests... I also felt such a deep comfort and connection talking to him, which I rarely find in most men I talk with. Both of us initially had a very strong gut positive reaction to the other.

Unfortunately, I engaged in some relationship-defeating behaviors which I regret (being a bit clingy, insecure, putting him on a pedestal, writing excessively long emails etc). He also contributed to problems between us, being a bit unfairly critical at times. Even though I consider myself to be a wonderful person with a lot to offer, at the time I was struggling with self-esteem issues... and I think in some ways I 'showed' him how to treat me. He was still very polite to me always, but I think I non-verbally communicated to him that I didn't think enough of myself. He was also going through a divorce, and wasn't emotionally available to me in the same way that I was to him.

He eventually ended things with me. In our last conversation in summer 2008, he left the door open, but at the same time, he mentioned some of the incompatibilities we had (in terms of us being in different spiritual groups, me leaning towards wanting kids and him most likely not wanting to have kids, etc). He said that he wanted to marry someone from his group... though I wonder if he wouldn't have been open to me if I could still support his spiritual pursuits even if I belong to a different group (as our groups are similar). He mentioned feeling pressured and that I was being a bit clingy... so I honestly don't know if the reason he ended things was due to incompatibilities or my behavior (I never behaved badly to him in any way as I was always very kind, just struggling with my own self-esteem and being insecure of myself).

It's been over a year since he and I last had any communication and I still think about him. I wish he was the one for me, as I liked him so much. I figure that the divorce must be finalized now, and hopefully he is now more emotionally available. I also wonder if our 'incompatibilities' can't be compromised on in any way from both our sides... as I miss the amazing connection we had. I know if I was with him again, I'd do a much better job of communicating well and not acting insecure or clingy etc. I wish I could meet him in person and see if there's possibility.

Even though I wish I could re-connect with him, my pride keeps me from contacting him - as I don't want to be rejected again. Part of me feels that in order to have anything with him again, it would be HIM who has to be the one to approach me asking for another chance and wanting to make compromises to work things out with me, and not the reverse. However, since it has been over a year now, I am losing hope of ever hearing from him again. I have met other men, but no one compares at all. I wonder if there was any way I could contact him while maintaining my dignity, but maybe I already know my answer. Part of me also wonders if maybe the reason he didn't offer to compromise was because he wasn't attracted to me enough... as I know people are more likely to want to try to compromise when they really like someone. I was just wondering if anyone here had any suggestions for me... even if nothing ever comes about between me and him, at least I'd like to learn something for the future relationships. Thanks!
Last edited by reenz; September 9,2009 at 9:59am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  September 9,2009, 10:29am
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The thing I get from your post is that you built a fantasy relationship with someone that you never even met in person. While a LDR does require a bit more e-mail and phone communication than one that is near to you, you still should go for meeting in person as soon as possible.

I also see that as great as you think this guy is that you and he have some very different core values that would make a truly compatible relationship difficult.

I would suggest that you need to put this guy behind you and work at finding someone who is truly compatible who lives near you that you can meet soon after the introduction and can date regularly.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  September 9,2009, 1:38pm

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Dear Reenz,
I found your post to be one of the more interesting posts that I've read in a long time, so much so that I went back and read some of your other posts as well. There are several points that jump out at me

(1) You would have probably blossomed like a flower had you family arranged a marriage for you!

(2) Intellectually you are torn between two cultures and that is the biggest issue in your life. Which you should seek some non religious therapy on because a lot of your personal decisions are in conflict. Are you a South Asian Indian women or are you an American Girl?
Actually you're both and at times it suits you to be one or the other!
But is your decision making process flawed by conflict?

You also live in a bit of a fantasy world especially when you get stressed out, you don't face it with reality for resolution, rather turn it around in you head so it becomes more acceptable for you deal with.

Now how to re-open the door to communication with your old friend?
I would send him a nice box of candy (chocolate) with a nice note of Sweets to the sweet and you were thinking about him and wanted to know how chapter 2 of his life played out? Warmest Regards, signed with your name, phone and e mail address. If he is a gentleman he will respond with a thank you.

Warning you're liable to get what you wish for, so I would try the therapy first so I don't shoot yourself in the foot with your personal beliefs verses his.

Harvey7.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #4  September 9,2009, 10:01pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
The thing I get from your post is that you built a fantasy relationship with someone that you never even met in person. While a LDR does require a bit more e-mail and phone communication than one that is near to you, you still should go for meeting in person as soon as possible.

I also see that as great as you think this guy is that you and he have some very different core values that would make a truly compatible relationship difficult.

I would suggest that you need to put this guy behind you and work at finding someone who is truly compatible who lives near you that you can meet soon after the introduction and can date regularly.
Your advice is wise. It's certainly hard for me to accept it, but it is wise nonetheless. He also mentioned to me in one of his last emails to be that I lived in a fantasy world. I know it.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #5  September 9,2009, 10:20pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Dear Reenz,
I found your post to be one of the more interesting posts that I've read in a long time, so much so that I went back and read some of your other posts as well. There are several points that jump out at me

(1) You would have probably blossomed like a flower had you family arranged a marriage for you!

(2) Intellectually you are torn between two cultures and that is the biggest issue in your life. Which you should seek some non religious therapy on because a lot of your personal decisions are in conflict. Are you a South Asian Indian women or are you an American Girl?
Actually you're both and at times it suits you to be one or the other!
But is your decision making process flawed by conflict?

You also live in a bit of a fantasy world especially when you get stressed out, you don't face it with reality for resolution, rather turn it around in you head so it becomes more acceptable for you deal with.

Now how to re-open the door to communication with your old friend?
I would send him a nice box of candy (chocolate) with a nice note of Sweets to the sweet and you were thinking about him and wanted to know how chapter 2 of his life played out? Warmest Regards, signed with your name, phone and e mail address. If he is a gentleman he will respond with a thank you.

Warning you're liable to get what you wish for, so I would try the therapy first so I don't shoot yourself in the foot with your personal beliefs verses his.

Harvey7.
Thanks Harvey for the compliment. You are correct that I sometimes struggle with my identity being an Asian-American, as I have some of both cultures in me. I think I struggle even more between my idealistic childish notions of fairness and how life should be... and the adult reality that life isn't always fair. Hence the reason a few people have mentioned that I sometimes live in a fantasy world.

I'm in my late 20s and have had very few real relationships. I've been on a few dates and had one almost-relationship, but never anything real... so I've often been excessively idealistic. If I was still in high school, I probably would have done as you mentioned and sent him a box of chocolates. However, after having gotten burned by romance a number of times in the last 10 years, I have started to shift my perspective... as reality has hit me hard over the head a number of times. In terms of me and this guy, I honestly don't think he would be impressed by me putting out myself to him by doing something nice. Of course if I reached out to him, I'm certain he would give me a polite response... he does have manners. I did like him for a reason, as he was a decent guy. But I don't think he'd respect me more as a person for continuing to put myself out to him while not getting anything in return. Although he was the one who initially was pursuing me, in the later stages of our interaction... it was one-sided with me wanting to pursue things with him and him backing off. So if anyone deserves a box of chocolates and some love... that would be me, not him.

Anyway, I don't think I will contact him at all. At times (such as earlier today) I do get nostalgic when I think of that great connection I had with him. But I feel it's a lose-lose situation for me. If I contact him, then I'd imagine he'd be turned off that I was still interested in him over a year later after he wasn't willing to give me what I needed in a relationship. Plus if I contact him, then even in the slim possibility that he would be willing to pursue things with me (which I highly doubt), things would be on his terms and he'd never have to address his contribution to the issues between us. On the other hand, if I don't contact him, then I will just have to live with an unmanifested longing to be with someone and not have had that wish fulfilled. In fantasy world I could contact him and have him realize what a dope he was to walk away from me... but in reality world, the most likely outcome would be him rejecting me again. I wish there was another way (and thus I wrote this thread wondering IF there was any way to contact him without losing my dignity)... but deep down I doubt it.
 
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