Guy Friends? Even if they like her?


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Sukhavati is offline Sukhavati Post #1  September 9,2009, 9:23am
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I've started hanging out with this very cool girl. She said that her past relationships always seemed to have the guy get all jealous. She has several really close guy friends, to the point you would think they are brother and sister (at least one). She has admitted to me that a few of them have openly told her that they like her, fancied her, or were interested in her. The other night she called me from one of her guy friends place who was cooking her dinner and then they were going to watch a movie. This to me just felt odd. I've been told that she might be very secure and have strong boundaries, but I'm not convinced. If you are hanging out with guys that openly admit to liking you, isn't that unfair? Time is time spent, resources are being given (food, time, friendship), and if the girl keeps accepting them, isn't that an underlying assumption that she is still interested?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  September 9,2009, 9:32am
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I'd opt out. If you get into a serious relationship with her, do you think she's going to stop enjoying the attention and adulation of these "guy" friends?
You can be the most secure and confident guy in the world, but it gets tiresome after a while to keep seeing late night text messages, get togethers, and flirtations of these guy friends.
While it's reasonable to have friendships of the opposite sex, there should be boundaries and she might not no what they are.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  September 9,2009, 9:41am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Sukhavati wrote :
The other night she called me from one of her guy friends place who was cooking her dinner and then they were going to watch a movie. This to me just felt odd.
She is soooooo testing you. What I would do would be to see her...while continuing to date other women, and also be very casual and open about this with her. In my mind I'd just consider that she's dating these other guys. When she calls from her other guy friend's house I'd tell her to have a good time. As bocca said...I'd be careful about getting into a relationship with her at the moment...but I wouldn't have anything against dating and finding more out about her.
 
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Sukhavati is offline Sukhavati Post #4  September 9,2009, 9:45am
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Very fair evaluation. This is a long distance thing, I did not mention that. Several hours away. She had book a flight to see me in November. While I don't think she'd jeopardize things, I don't have enough information and being a long distance dating/courtship, I asked her to cancel her flight.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  September 9,2009, 9:50am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Sukhavati wrote :
Very fair evaluation. This is a long distance thing, I did not mention that. Several hours away. She had book a flight to see me in November. While I don't think she'd jeopardize things, I don't have enough information and being a long distance dating/courtship, I asked her to cancel her flight.
Dang...if SHE was willing to come visit ME I'd certainly have been open to that. However, you sound like someone who might just be too bothered by something like this and might be looking to quickly get into a serious relationship, so you might have done the right thing for yourself.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  September 9,2009, 9:58am
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I agree with Jay too.
Regardless of the long distance thing, she is testing you. The biggest turn off to a woman is an insecure or needy guy (not that you are). If she's telling you she has guys fawning over her, what she's doing (maybe subconciously) is looking for your reaction.
If you continue to keep your options open and show her you're secure and aren't threatened by competition, then you demonstrate your value.
Personally, I'm not sure that having her cancel the flight to visit you did any good. How are you going to get to really know her if you don't spend time with her?
 
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Thaliana1981 is offline Thaliana1981 Post #7  September 9,2009, 9:59am
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Wonders if she's revealing too much about herself too quickly...

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I could be this girl.

My best friend is a guy. I have a key to his house, a lot of my belongings are here. (I'm here now)

We're really close, like brother and sister. I'm cooking dinner tonight because he's at work. We take turns.

He has three male roommates. I'm just 'one of the guys' when I'm here.

I can honestly say we're not in love. We know so much about each other, but we've mutually decided we're too good of friends to risk it all with a messy breakup. I'm happier with him as my friend, believe me.

He's my best friend, but there's nothing more there on my part. I can't be sure about his, of course, but he's repeatedly told me he's glad we're able to be so close and remain just friends. I'm open and honest with my matches about him. He's open and honest with his matches about me. I've even talked to one of his on the phone. He's my 'most influential person' in my profile.

I love him, yes. But it's a deep, sibling-like love. I have a lot of siblings, so I can say that.

In your case, he may be 'just a friend'. She may be one of those people, like me, that has no intention of changing her ways for a man, so he'd better be able to accept all of her friends, whether or not he's a guy. Would you feel as strange if it were a girlfriend cooking her dinner and watching movies with her? What if she admitted she were bisexual? Would you feel strange about her hanging out with anyone then? Just a thought...

Be careful, but maybe he is just a really really good friend.

Good luck. It's good to be cautious. But I wouldn't write her off completely.

~Thaliana
 
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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #8  September 9,2009, 10:06am
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I tend to trust, until she gives me reason not to trust her.

So, I'd trust her.

I'd also make it very, very clear that I am not interested in being just her friend, just another one of the guys in her gaggle. I went out with a girl like this a while back, and I made it explicitly clear to her that while I didn't mind that she had guy friends -- and I didn't, I'm a grown-up -- I did want to make sure I wasn't in that category.

I'm not "one of the guys." I'm "her guy."

There's a difference. I call the first ones butt-sniffers. The sniff, they prowl, they cook dinner and offer her the shoulder, but they don't get the luvin.

The second one gets the luvin.

I don't have a problem with women who have guy friends following her around, I don't mind butt-sniffers at all, so long as I'm not one of them.




- Saul
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  September 9,2009, 10:23am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Thaliana1981 wrote :
He has three male roommates. I'm just 'one of the guys' when I'm here.
That sounds fine Thaliana. Hopefully you'd be ok with a man you get into a relationship with who hangs out in a house full of girls who are his friends.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 9,2009, 10:25am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Sukhavati wrote :
I've started hanging out with this very cool girl.
OP: if this is a long distance thing...what does the above mean?
 
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