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MansPOV MansPOV is offline
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MansPOV : A computer once beat me at chess... but it was no match for me in boxing!

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Ok, so I was matched with a really nice woman on EH. We made it through the gauntlet that is the guided communication and have exchanged a few open communication messages. We have a lot in common, communicate well, and she seems like a very together person. Quite honestly, she seems like a really great lady and I'd like to meet her.

HOWEVER... In todays message, I get the following paragraph (see below) which describes her living situation, which also happens to include her ex.

Now, I understand the economics of divorce in today's economy. And I'm pretty tolerant of a lot of things surrounding ex's because, by this age (40+), we all have a history that includes ex's (I have 2). But people need to maintain boundaries with their ex's!

I'm really having issues picturing myself dating someone who lives comfortably in the same house as their ex and has been doing so for quite some time with no end in sight.

Also, from my OWN experience, I was stuck living in the same house as my ex for quite awhile while we tried to sell our house so I understand the situation. But there was no way I could even consider dating someone while my ex was there... again, boundaries.

Am I off base? Am I missing something? Opinions???? I'm kind of struggling with this because I do think she has a lot of great qualities otherwise.

Excerpt from her email:
Yes their dad is here actually the situation is very different we have a large and expensive house here in that after being on the market FOREVER is still not sold- he lives on one side of the house and I on the other it has been that way for a LONG time! As for the divorce it has finally finished there were issues trying to get it setteled. We have lived like this for quite a while with an agreement to try and stay together for the boys however I decided 2 years ago that I was not willing to do that anymore and initiated the proceedings. As for the parenting relationship it is and does work we trade off on days and times with the boys according to the schedule we have arranged and it works.
Last edited by MansPOV; September 8th, 2009 at 12:11 am.
- September 8th, 2009, 12:08 am
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bigfincat bigfincat is offline
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That doesn't seem to be the worst ex situation in the world.

The size of the home is a big factor in your favor. They could live very separate lives under the same roof. There are plenty of homes that are more than twice the size that any family would need.

You would definitely be best having her come to your home if your situation allows that. Going to her place might be awkward but hopefully their living arrangements will change as time progresses.
- September 8th, 2009, 12:16 am
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beachgirl5 beachgirl5 is offline
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I couldn't date someone in this situation. More than anything, the situation would tell me some troubling things about her. Number one--she's not a realist if she hasn't been able to sell a house and move on with her life in a "long time." Sell the house for what it's worth, negotiate with the bank if you're under water--anything but what she's doing.
- September 8th, 2009, 12:16 am
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MansPOV MansPOV is offline
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MansPOV : A computer once beat me at chess... but it was no match for me in boxing!

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Thanks for the input Beachgirl and Bigfincat. I think I already know what my answer is. I just needed to read my own thoughts.

No matter how you frame it, ultimately, she is still "involved" with her ex. Maybe they are not intimate, maybe it's a huge house. But they are still INVOLVED in each other's day to day lives. They are still under the same roof even! And that is too close for my comfort. I'm just not that desperate to date.

Ah well. Thanks again!
- September 8th, 2009, 12:41 am
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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i think you'd have to meet her and experience it all in person to really get a bead on the situation.
- September 8th, 2009, 12:50 am
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MCMLXXII MCMLXXII is offline
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hmm, two co-parents living in the same square footage.

In my opinion, they're not really divorced. While I understand the court may say the marriage is dissolved, they share the same residence. How do they emotionally recover from the divorce when they see each other everyday?

It seems to me that someone could ante-up and get an apartment or get aggressive with the house. If this is a deal-breaker for you, let her know. Otherwise, you'll need to view her ex-husband as a "prolonged roommate" or make plans to meet at areas other than her house.

Good luck.
- September 8th, 2009, 12:55 am
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1passionatefem 1passionatefem is offline
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In today's economy many people are doing the same thing. If they are divorced and are just waiting to sell the house-meet her. If this is a big issue and you like each other- could you wait it out until the home is sold?????
- September 8th, 2009, 08:18 am
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waypoint_finder waypoint_finder is offline
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run!!
- September 8th, 2009, 08:21 am
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Gr8Guyn2008 Gr8Guyn2008 is offline
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If nothing more this is an indication to what she considers appropriate and important.
- September 8th, 2009, 09:00 am
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AsianFusion AsianFusion is offline
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Make sure the ex is not armed and don't eat or drink anything at their house!
- September 8th, 2009, 09:16 am
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