librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #1  September 7,2009, 5:12pm
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I’ve been thinking.

On the one hand, I often hear the idea that women get more emotionally involved about sex in dating than men. That at least having sex means they are more likely to form an attachment than the guy, who may just fulfilling his biological need. I don’t really know that I agree with the assessment of either men or women, (women have biological needs, too) but I have seen it played out often enough to think it is true for some.

On the other hand, I have heard it said that (at least in a LTR or marriage) that men need sex to feel emotionally connected, and women need to feel emotionally connected to want sex.
So I guess I have two questions for you guys, especially those who have already been married or had a LTR.

1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, what do you think is the difference between someone that you are having casual sex with versus with someone that you desire that connectedness? Why do you think it is required for you to become emotionally involved with a woman, yet you can enjoy casual sex without forming strong attachments?

2)Have you ever formed an attachment for a woman that you were not having sex with?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  September 7,2009, 5:33pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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librarybabe wrote :
1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, what do you think is the difference between someone that you are having casual sex with versus with someone that you desire that connectedness?
The difference for me is simply if she's the kind of woman I have a strong interest in. It's not like a woman is going to 'do something' that will make me want to become 'connected' with her if I don't already want to.

librarybabe wrote :
Why do you think it is required for you to become emotionally involved with a woman, yet you can enjoy casual sex without forming strong attachments?
Had to think about that one for a minute. I think for me it is that if we're not having sex...then it doesn't feel like an intimate relationship.

librarybabe wrote :
2)Have you ever formed an attachment for a woman that you were not having sex with?
I can (and have) begun forming an emotional attachment to a woman before having sex...but this attachment will only progress so far without sex. This isn't to say that I wouldn't be ok with not having sex for a while...it's just that my attachment is only going to grow to a certain point without that.
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #3  September 7,2009, 6:05pm
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L-babe... you write...

"1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, "

For me, that's backwards. I have to feel some kind of connection with a woman or there is no sex. That connection could range from real friendship to the really intense caring type situation.

A "lesser connection" would be casual - basically meaning there is no commitment of exclusiveness from either party.
The more intense levels of connection would be - basically add sexual exclusivity between us.

It's reasonably likely that a relationship will start out as "casual w/sex" relationship and may progress to an agreed upon "exclusive" status.

Relationships that begin as "casual w/sex" and do not, after a while, move naturally into the "exclusive" status, usually subside into nice friendships w/o sex.

I hope that makes some sense. If it doesn't I'm not me.

Ooops. Didn't cover everything.... It's easy enough to simply be good friends with a woman and the relationship not have anything to do with sex. I', pretty good friends with the wives/girlfriends of the guy friends I have plus some other women I know. Women can be pretty cool when they remember to act like people.

But then again... "girl" is still my favorite flavor.
Last edited by Seneca; September 7,2009 at 7:59pm.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  September 7,2009, 6:17pm
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librarybabe wrote :
On the other hand, I have heard it said that (at least in a LTR or marriage) that men need sex to feel emotionally connected, and women need to feel emotionally connected to want sex.
This is true.

librarybabe wrote :
1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, what do you think is the difference between someone that you are having casual sex with versus with someone that you desire that connectedness? Why do you think it is required for you to become emotionally involved with a woman, yet you can enjoy casual sex without forming strong attachments?
While I'm not a 'casual' kind of guy ...I'd say the obvious difference is - a future. Men can compartamentalize these things.

librarybabe wrote :
2)Have you ever formed an attachment for a woman that you were not having sex with?
Hmm ...you mean, like a friend? ...sure, if I wasn't attracted to her that way. I think the question you should be asking here is, have we ever formed an attachment for a woman that we wanted to have sex with, but wasn't? ...for me, that answer would be 'no'.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #5  September 7,2009, 6:18pm
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There has to be some emotional connection or the sex isn't happening. Casual to me would still mean knowing her enough to trust her, and enjoying her company outside the bedroom.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  September 7,2009, 6:21pm
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wrote :
1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, what do you think is the difference between someone that you are having casual sex with versus with someone that you desire that connectedness?
Someone you're having casual sex with: It's a physical activity. Tennis, sex, or hiking a mountain trail. Those who have casual sex without an emotional connection view it as any other activity.

wrote :
Why do you think it is required for you to become emotionally involved with a woman, yet you can enjoy casual sex without forming strong attachments?
I don't THINK it's required...it IS required. For me, I simply can't have that connection without sex. But again, I can have sex (casual) and NOT have that connection. Having sex doesn't automatically give me this connection. Not have sex for sure keeps me from having that connection.

wrote :
2)Have you ever formed an attachment for a woman that you were not having sex with?
When younger and less experienced with LTRs I thought I formed such an attachment. Wishful thinking? Projection?
Understanding now that a component of real and long lasting love is healthy intimacy, I didn't have love. Just lust. Big difference.
 
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Wittyname is offline Wittyname Post #7  September 7,2009, 6:28pm
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librarybabe wrote :
I’ve been thinking.

1)If you need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman, what do you think is the difference between someone that you are having casual sex with versus with someone that you desire that connectedness? Why do you think it is required for you to become emotionally involved with a woman, yet you can enjoy casual sex without forming strong attachments?

2)Have you ever formed an attachment for a woman that you were not having sex with?
1.
a. Need is a bit strong, but it does help to deepen the emotional connection. For men, sex is the single most physically pleasurable sensation we are capable of experiencing. I personally have found that sleeping with a woman I'm even mildly invested in emotionally does in fact deepen the attachment as I begin to associate that with her and our relationship.
b. Casual sex is a different beast entirely, and -at least for me- has been with women with whom there is a strong physical attraction, and not much if anything on the personal level.

2. Yes, I can and have. As I mentioned above, "need" is a bit strong, more like "strong preference for". An unfulfilling sex life for either partner is going to torpedo the relationship, if not in the immediate, then certainly in the long run.

On the flip side of all this is the relationships where you become deeply involved with a woman emotionally, while the physical side of things is sub-par at best. This is disappointing and distressing on so many levels that it is difficult to express fully. You try to work it out and work through it, but knowing that it isn't going to improve and one or both of you are going to be unhappy in a critically important aspect of a healthy relationship is just gawdawful.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  September 7,2009, 6:57pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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So librarybabe.....why do you ask?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  September 7,2009, 7:07pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  September 7,2009, 7:08pm
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hazmat wrote :
There has to be some emotional connection or the sex isn't happening. Casual to me would still mean knowing her enough to trust her, and enjoying her company outside the bedroom.
Uh, yes, what he said.
 
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