Accountability, Huh! What is it good for?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
simplemind is offline simplemind Post #1  September 7,2009, 10:34am
simplemind's Avatar

comes to her favorite season--cool weather and beautiful colors.

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

St. Louis

Posts: 1,340

See profile

LizziePooh, I'm unabashedly quoting you here, because it's a thing I've wondered about, too.

"accountability"--so many threads here touch on the subject in one way or another, but you raised it in in the "Good Men" thread in a way I think is worth asking about:

LizziePooh wrote :
...It does scare me that I may be in another relationship that will end up with me back here again asking the same question, yet again. I do firmly believe that the older I get the more the men are less inclined to want to commit...I just think men can get what they want now (companionship, sex and female friendship) without needing to take on the responsibility of being emotionally accountable like they need to in a relationship - so why would they? I don't think that is right or wrong - I think it just is how it is so it makes sense that it ends up that way.
I'm not sure...I think perhaps by my age good proportion of men and women who do practice "accountability" through accepting responsibility while taking privilege may be in those very same committed relationships.

Proportionally, as we age, are those of us persistently single less likely to accept accountability? Or is it just a matter of numbers and chance?

And why even bother?
Last edited by simplemind; September 7,2009 at 10:35am. Reason: wondering, wondering.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  September 7,2009, 11:00am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,659

See profile

I'd like to see "emotionally accountable" defined, either for the OP or those answering.

[FONT=Arial]I find this term vague.

I have not been married, and either fit, or at least defend, the “non-committed men” theme, yet I consider myself extremely accountable, in the sense that I do what I say I will do – far more so than my dating partners, and more so even than my relationship partners.
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
jacsmit is offline jacsmit Post #3  September 7,2009, 4:41pm
jacsmit's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2009

Can

Posts: 213

See profile

I'm also older (at least than most of my friends who are married and have kids) but I've never been engaged. But I believe I'm also extremely accountable (actually too much so - as I often pick up other people's slack - part of the codependent in me). I've had two 5+ yr relationships, followed by a 1+ yr one (with someone who took absolutely zero accountability/responsibility for anything). This last one was with someone significantly younger - and that's my theory on this - is that people these days are increasingly growing up to be more selfish and less accountable. It's just the society we're in - fast paced, materialistic, fame obsessed, etc. But that's also affecting the older people too - to some extent - it's just how influenced you are by the current environment and/or if you're protected/buffered by a social network that's similar to you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  September 7,2009, 5:06pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

I had to look up emotional accountability because i had not a single clue as to what it meant. i found this:

  • How to talk to her about your feelings in a way that is manly without being either macho or wuss-like.This one point makes so many other things possible in a relationship. It is particularly important in how you learn to interact with her as a mature man rather than as an immature boy. Even though we have been trained in so many ways to stay emotionally guarded, it is an act of courage to learn how to become emotionally accountable to your partner.
    How to rejuvenate and sustain the sexual intimacy of a long term relationship. This comes from learning the connection between emotional and sexual intimacy and how to use one to feed the other. Both have to be present to make a relationship succeed long term, and both partners must learn how to do this dance of intimacy.

    How to think and act more like a “we” than just like a “me”. Once you get into a relationship, it is crucial for you to learn all the ways you automatically make decisions without thinking about your partner. It is also important to learn how to "carry her in your heart" when you are out in the world, so that even when you are alone, you act and think like you are part of a couple.

    How to regain her trust if you’ve cheated, or lied, or done both. Trust can disappear in a heartbeat. Gaining it back takes a long time. Building trust takes conscious effort that can only happen one small step at a time. But you must proactively offer her trust-building behaviors that are sincere and genuine.

    How to take care of yourself in the best possible way that will also end up taking care of her in the best possible way. Because we are trained as men to take care of others, we do a terrible job of taking care of ourselves--especially emotionally. By learning how to do that for ourselves instead of expecting the woman in our lives to do it for us, we build up our own self-esteem and gain back her respect.

    How to become a better listener and offer solutions to problems in a way she can hear. Healthy communication is such a big part of what makes a relationship last long term. But again, if a guy doesn't have an understanding of what's going on inside of himself to offer her, the connection can't be made.

    How to put unresolved pain from the past to rest. Telling yourself or someone else to "just move on and put the past behind you" is much easier said than done. Unless you "do the work" that is necessary to let go of pain from your past, it doesn't just conveniently disappear.


    source: What You Will Learn Here
from this standpoint i completely get what lizzie is trying to say (not sure if its what was meant though). why would a man work so hard at it when there are women around that will accept whatever he has to dish out?

from what i understand it usually is the woman that does all of the emotional "work" in the relationship

i dont even know how to answer this Q, but i can say if any guy did any of the above i would be completely shocked. and if i feel that way about it maybe it isnt worth it at all.

simplemind i always appreciate your thought provoking questions
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  September 7,2009, 5:15pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

Nanette wrote :
from what i understand it usually is the woman that does all of the emotional "work" in the relationship
Is that because they have more emotional needs they want met?
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 7,2009, 5:21pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

jayjay wrote :
Is that because they have more emotional needs they want met?
theres the whole issue of accountability though. just because its her need he shouldnt care about it? or just because they are more in quantity than his? i think you just stated what everyone else may be talking about when they reference emotional accountability the whole idea that its a partnership and his saying "thats your problem" when it comes to emotions
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  September 7,2009, 5:25pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,102

See profile

I've been married for most of my adult life.

My first from 22-40 ended in divorce. My second from 43-57 lasted until he died last year.

I am not dating yet. I have yet to come to terms with what I want for my future. I do believe, though, that if I decide to marry again, I can have it again.

For me, the key thing is to be honest up front with each other about what you are looking for. That way, if one of you wants marriage and the other doesn't, one can decide whether or not to waste time hoping, or move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #8  September 7,2009, 5:25pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,659

See profile

Nanette wrote :
theres the whole issue of accountability though. just because its her need he shouldnt care about it? or just because they are more in quantity than his? i think you just stated what everyone else may be talking about when they reference emotional accountability the whole idea that its a partnership and his saying "thats your problem" when it comes to emotions

But, then we have this from the definition:

By learning how to do that for ourselves instead of expecting the woman in our lives to do it for us, we build up our own self-esteem and gain back her respect.

Seems like we're going down a one-way street, here.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  September 7,2009, 5:27pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

and just as a afterthought, men have emotional needs that they expect women to meet, like those of distance. she is characterized as smothering if he doesnt get that need met. same thing. but women are expected to be sensitive to that.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  September 7,2009, 5:47pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
But, then we have this from the definition:

By learning how to do that for ourselves instead of expecting the woman in our lives to do it for us, we build up our own self-esteem and gain back her respect.

Seems like we're going down a one-way street, here.
There do seem to be some problematic items on that list. Another is
How to talk to her about your feelings in a way that is manly without being either macho or wuss-like.

It wouldn't take too much of a stretch for this to become a game of 'I want you to guess what I want...and don't even think it's going to be the same thing tomorrow'.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Go for it! At least you have a date!! | Dating | Would you put your Mom (or Dad) on eHarmony? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Question: Why is socialism bad? The1Tomcat Politics 401 October 4,2010 2:08pm
Good boss? eH_Advice_Admin_Lori Career 11 July 13,2010 8:33am
Leaving a good "impress"ion eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 24 September 9,2009 2:19am
Dualism vs Metaphysical Monism last12C A Peaceful Oasis 1 September 3,2009 4:27pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I do still eat and drink the things I shouldn't sometimes. I'd stop if I needed an Epi-Pen but none of my allergies are severe enough for that yet. I feel for you, Legend.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Living Without....” discussion

“No, this is the ONE, with the Domestic Man among men that I hunger for... New Twist Like the great philosopher Dr. Phil says, "When momma's happy, everyone's happy".” –  tweet37

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“I think you are projecting that if you are the one paying for the first few dates that the woman is a "pay to play" woman and if you were to marry her she would be so irresponsible that you'd be ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“That's disappointing. You've gotten a lot of tips about changing your settings and I hope it pays off when you do.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“ Happy Faraday, Birth... um I mean... Happy Birthday, Fara. I blame harnomygirl... typing her name messes with your mind.” –  dmi

Join the “The End Maybe Coming” discussion

“I thought she took the safer route and met him here first. Now that she knows he's fun, they'll throw caution to the wind, but gently.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “a match wants to meet me in a foreign country” discussion

“ I wouldn't be so sure he was ready (the way you mean it) with this new girl. He was calling you testing the waters while seeing her, right? This may just be how he is in relationships- this may ... ” –  FairOne

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:12am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0