Petrified of dating and getting hurt.


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Scared2Death is offline Scared2Death Post #1  September 6,2009, 5:36pm
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Hello out there... Really need some serious advice about dating. I just signed up with eHarmony, because I haven't done well at dating at all on my own since I was divorced 15 years ago. My experiences in meeting men have gone all wrong, because of the way I look... seriously! I'm a red-headed, 51-years-young, shapely women who looks very young for my age which has been the BIG problem. I don't have a problem with finding men who are attracted with me at all. The problem has been that they focus too much on what they see physically instead of getting beyond the outer-me to get to know and appreciate that I'm a very intelligent and driven women who deserves a good guy who appreciates me. How in the heck do I get men interested in what I have to offer as a person besides a shapely body and pretty face?

I'm very serious about this, am tired of spending my life alone. Please, only serious advice as feedback. Sincerely...
 
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Annnnne is offline Annnnne Post #2  October 16,2009, 7:08pm
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I know that some people will have an issue with this, but the way I handle this issue is by waiting to be more physical with a person. I have found that men who are really interested in me as a person, as well as atracted to me, are willing date me for a while without the relationship being totally romantic. The ones who are looking for just a hook up will be gone after the 3rd or 4th date.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  October 16,2009, 7:19pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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In the 15 years that you've been divorced, having all these men who are attracted to you because of your physical appearance....and in this 15 years none of all these men have been interested in more than 'just the physical'? Something doesn't sound right here. I think the problem is something other than what you think it is.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  October 17,2009, 4:37am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Wow ...is this serious? ...LOL ...JayJay, this better not be you playing around =)

The obvious answer, S2D, is that if you have no problem hooking them with your incredible attractiveness, yet they aren't sticking around for a relationship...then they probably are getting to know the 'inside' you, they just aren't liking what they find.

I don't intend to be mean, you wanted serious feedback, here's mine ...it wouldn't be the first time I've seen an incredibly attractive woman who is as ugly on the inside as she is beautiful on the outside.

I say that with the utmost respect.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  October 17,2009, 5:24am
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You “look younger than your age.” Is that only genes and healthy living, or style?

How young / old do you act? Are you attracting the sort of men with compatible values, lifestyle and goals?
I don’t think this is bad – I think people ought to take care of their appearance. Even though many do not, it is not a problem of those who do that they are unusual.

“The problem has been that they focus too much on what they see physically instead of getting beyond the outer-me to get to know and appreciate that I'm a very intelligent and driven women who deserves a good guy who appreciates me.”

[B]
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  October 17,2009, 5:55am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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BikerBeagle wrote :
Wow ...is this serious? ...LOL ...JayJay, this better not be you playing around =)
No, it isn't me. But I like the way you think.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #7  October 17,2009, 6:38am

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Scared2Death wrote :
The problem has been that they focus too much on what they see physically instead of getting beyond the outer-me to get to know and appreciate that I'm a very intelligent and driven women who deserves a good guy who appreciates me. How in the heck do I get men interested in what I have to offer as a person besides a shapely body and pretty face?
It not me, It's them!!

From this portion of your post. I would interpret this as you could possibly have a wall up, in doing so you may not be giving these men an opportunity to see what's inside. I can see where it could be one, two or even three men that feel and act this way. Imho if you're having this problem with every man you date then I don't think it's them!
[COLOR=black]
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; October 17,2009 at 6:43am.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #8  October 17,2009, 6:49am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Nice problem to have.

Maybe you'll be reassured to know that they love and leave us plainer ones too.

Seriously, if you're "petrified of dating and getting hurt" this probably explains why you're not connecting with anyone too deeply. You could be coming across as very guarded.

You can't date without running the risk of getting hurt; it's an immature expectation no matter how Rita Heyworth you may be (and lest we forget Rita dated and got hurt a lot).
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #9  October 17,2009, 6:56am
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If it's strapless minidresses, with Manolo Blahnik CFM heels, then please don't expect earnest discussions about Descartes.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  October 17,2009, 8:01am
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I think all women and all men have the problem of sorting who really wants a relationship and who's looking for a hookup or at least something very superficial or weird. It's probably harder for very attractive people just because of numbers: you get hit on more.

The above ideas about looking inside make sense to me ... perhaps you're keeping people out somehow? You describe yourself as very intelligent and driven and that's why men should appreciate you. While many men would value those qualities, they are probably not what most good men would say they seek in love ... which would be things more like good connection, emotional compatibility, trust, etc.
 
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