Where the good men have gone?


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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #1  September 6,2009, 11:05am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I was recently talking with some male friends about women, marriage etc. These men are in their early 30s, are highly educated (M.D., Ph.D.) and well off financially, professionally and socially. None of them are interested in marriage.... for at least the next 15 or 20 years, if ever (according to them).

Reasons why include, as the M.D. told me, that as hard as he has worked there's no way he'd take the financial risk associated with marriage. These men are also able to get plenty of women on their own terms (i.e. sex with no commitment) so they have no motive in those terms. They also don't have a strong need for emotional intimacy either...so that isn't a motivator for them to get married.

One of these guys just had a woman he's had a longstanding, uncommitted relationship with visit him from Canada. She's Lebanese and almost the spitting image of Shakira (when she had dark hair). She's in her late 20s and is at the point where she wants a committed relationship that would lead to marriage. This man is going to be letting her go because he just doesn't want to get married, at least not now, and he's willing to lose her completely rather than get married.

I really don't think the expression 'fear of commitment' applies to these men....as I don't think it's fear that keeps them from getting into committed relationships. Rather, I think they are just getting everything they want outside of a relationship. By most standards these are 'good men'....so I'm wondering if this is an example of why women may have a hard time finding 'good men' to get into relationships with.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  September 6,2009, 11:08am
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I went to the grocery store earlier, but I am back now.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  September 6,2009, 11:12am
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This is why doctors and others need to stick with the similar women. If he selects a woman with compatible income, provided she also intends to maintain it, his risk ought not to be that bad.
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  September 6,2009, 11:12am
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I did my grocery shopping yesterday. I love Trader Joes.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #5  September 6,2009, 11:12am

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yes jayjay it is. It is also one of the reasons I left Chicago, as that attitude was pervasive there.

But, I don't really consider them good men, based on what you wrote.

Good men, to me, means that even though he CAN get the type of arrangement he seeks, he would prefer to commit to one woman because he realizes its the right thing to do. That often times just because women agree to sex with no strings, he knows better that more often than not -- it's not really what is best for her and the gentlmanly thing to do would be to let that woman go.

I do realize that is not always the case...but so often it is.

At any rate, I'm glad the one guy is willing to let Shakira go before he wastes any more of her time.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  September 6,2009, 11:13am
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Thought-provoking post Jay.

Women have their own interpretations of what a good man is, and it probably differs from men. Many people want marriage because it's what they think they're supposed to want. But life isn't as simple anymore. I respect any woman who wants to get married, but as you point out in your post, not wanting to get married doesn't mean you're not a "good" man.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  September 6,2009, 11:13am
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Most doctors and attorneys whatever that i know are married to other of what they are and happily so.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #8  September 6,2009, 11:15am
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Nanette wrote :
Most doctors and attorneys whatever that i know are married to other of what they are and happily so.
But for many doctors and attorneys, that's not their first marriage. Or even their second.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  September 6,2009, 11:20am
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tbesq wrote :
But for many doctors and attorneys, that's not their first marriage. Or even their second.
depends but doctor definitely is a high stress profession

i dont know of any that are on their 2nd or 3rd and i live in an area with a fairly high concentration of these people.

either way i wouldnt necessarily consider men like this a "good man"
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  September 6,2009, 11:20am
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cp30 wrote :
Good men, to me, means that even though he CAN get the type of arrangement he seeks, he would prefer to commit to one woman because he realizes its the right thing to do. That often times just because women agree to sex with no strings, he knows better that more often than not -- it's not really what is best for her and the gentlmanly thing to do would be to let that woman go.

What is your justification for this opinion?
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