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Seneca Seneca is offline
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Having gotten tar-and-feathered on the “background check” thread I thought I would begin this one to try to allow women a different view of the “distrust” issue.
It is considered fashionable and smart (even funny) in our Society for women to treat all men with the Presumption of Guilt... while pretending that all women deserve the Presumption of Innocence. To illustrate how wrong and damaging that actually is, this thread is a scenario that puts the shoe on the other foot for examination.

This thread is ONLY for women who are honest, fair-minded enough and smart enough to realize that there could be something in their behavior they could fix that would help them make the sincere “connection” they supposedly come here for. It is not a thread for the Joan Rivers types, the Roseanne types, the tender-hearts, the chronic arguers, deep-in-denial types or misandrists (man-haters). It is only for women smart enough and strong enough to actually try to feel what their impact is on others.
>>
It’s likely such fair-minded, thinking women will be able to answer most (but not all) the questions “no”. But how you answer the questions isn’t the point. The point is having you realize you are being asked because complete strangers (that you have expressed interest in) are presuming you possibly/probably Guilty of these things. In this scenario, Every stranger is going to ask you these questions before deciding to ask you out. If you skip a question or object to one – you are immediately rejected. Every time for the rest of your life.
>>
I chose questions that are relevant because, in spite of Society’s pretense about women, American women are guilty of these things - and often. They are not “one-in-a-million” things.
>>
Again – this thread is ONLY for women who are honest, fair, intelligent and brave enough to look in the mirror in order to see if there is something they can improve on. All the other women should stop here and go read the threads about attaching radio-tracking collars to new boyfriends.
************************************************** **********
NOTE: Answer these questions to yourself only!
Do NOT write out or share your answers here.
Your answers are nobody's business and they are not the point. The point is for you to truly feel what it's like to always be presumed guilty.

Here are the questions you have to face – from every cool potential date.
>>
The oldest profession – have you ever traded sex for money, drugs, “other”?
>>
Temper – Have you ever yelled at, shoved, or hit your husband, boyfriend, children, or someone else’s child. (Men get jailed for this stuff)
>>
“Other woman”– The famous cheating husband cheats with somebody! Have you ever slept with or flirted with another woman’s husband or boyfriend, or tried to get a married/committed man to notice/flirt with you?
>>
Fidelity - Have you ever cheated on your husband or boyfriend? Have you ever lied to or deceived your husband or boyfriend? Have you ever mocked or insulted or humiliated your husband or boyfriend in Public?

Amore – Are you frigid? Have you ever used sex (or the withdrawal) to punish or take revenge on a husband or boyfriend? Are you selfish about sex? Teachers are in the news every week – if you are a teacher how many of your students have you had sexual contact with? The AOL news blog reported in June about a study in which one out of every five women age 18-24 admitted to having at least one lesbian “encounter”. How many lesbian encounters have you had?

Honesty – Have you ever stolen money or merchandise, or skipped out on a bill? Do you have an arrest record or time in jail or on probation? Have you ever falsely (or recklessly) accused a anyone of something? Have you ever made a promise you knew you weren’t going to keep just to get something from someone?

Children – Thousands are put up for adoption every day. Have you ever put your child up for adoption? Do you know for sure who fathered your children? Do all your children have the same father? Did you marry the fathers of all your children?

Behaviors – Have you ever had a substance addiction or been sent to rehab? Do you drink heavily? Do you have tattoos? Are you a “potty-mouth”? Are you a chronic Gossip or Complainer? Has your divers' license ever been suspended?

Financial – Have you skipped from job to job? How much credit card debt do you have? Have you had foreclosures, collection agency problems, bounced checks or repossessions?
Do you have to pay child support to someone? (My ex was supposed to pay me but never did, of course).

That’s enough. Again – just for a few minutes – really try to imagine that every guy you meet for the rest of your life is going to hand you these questions because he automatically assumes that you probably are guilty of some or many of those things – and you will not ever get a date if you “fail” or act insulted by being questioned. You “screw up” or don't give a clear enough answer or “hide” something and you are instantly “poofed”, no exceptions.

If you are fair enough and strong enough to truly think – even for just a few moments - how the presumption of Guilt feels, - really feels when YOU are on the Receiving End of it, - over and over and over and over and over and over - I’m betting you will realize something very important about your future male/female relationships that you will find very helpful.
Personally, the “background check” thread has pretty much convinced me that the online-dating community is so deep in paranoia that it is may actually be the worst method to try to make a healthy and lasting connection with anyone.
I mean: "...rent a car to go to a meet'n greet so they can't copy your tags". C'Mon !!! Holy TinFoil suits!

As always, local opinion(s) may vary. >>
Last edited by Seneca; September 6th, 2009 at 09:38 am.
- September 6th, 2009, 07:58 am
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Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is offline
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This should be entertaining, so I will have to monitor this thread!!!!
- September 6th, 2009, 08:20 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Laughingdaily wrote :
This should be entertaining, so I will have to monitor this thread!!!!

Darn! You beat me to it.
- September 6th, 2009, 08:22 am
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Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is offline
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You want me to answer these from my experience with a few fine women??
- September 6th, 2009, 08:28 am
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Gr8Guyn2008 Gr8Guyn2008 is online now
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Seneca wrote :

...

 Personally, the “background check” thread has pretty much convinced me that the online-dating community is so deep in paranoia that it is may actually be the worst method to try to make a healthy and lasting connection with anyone.
I mean: "...rent a car to go to a meet'n greet so they can't copy your tags". C'Mon !!! Holy TinFoil suits!
>>
As always, local opinion(s) may vary. >>
Oh, wow, I missed that one. I am not sure if that is just too funny or really scary.
- September 6th, 2009, 08:34 am
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Hi Seneca,

I haven't even looked at the background check thread, but I'm not sure what it is you're looking for here by way of response.. Are you saying only women who will answer each question are "allowed" to respond, or are you just looking for honest feedback regarding how we would feel if this "shoe were on the other foot" or... ?

I will say, if I'm reading correctly that even those who try to answer honestly - the questions and/or the premise or the post - but who try to point out any flaws in the premise will be ignored, then aren't you kind of doing what you're accusing women of doing - making gross generalizations and assumptions?

I would love to answer this post honestly - in fact, believe it or not, I was just thinking about this issue the other day (yes, from the standpoint of how men must feel about it), and I do think it could be a great, eye-opening topic if honest give and take, and willingness on both sides to really listen to the other can occur, but I won't write more until you clarify what I'm "allowed" in my response.

Thanks!
- September 6th, 2009, 08:41 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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You need to get your dates talking and respond to them in a nonjudgemental way. Sometimes they'll surprise you with what they'll be willing to tell you. I had one who told me about how a married man had pursued her for a year....until finally she gave in and slept with him. She added that 'He wasn't even a good lover either'. How charming, lol.
- September 6th, 2009, 08:48 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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Let’s think about the question this way:

Would you allow the Ladies to submit a similar list of question to you, and in return you get their answers to these, or would you prefer to meet each to person as an unknown, possibly investing quite a bit of resources into them, then to uncover a deal-breaker?

You do realize that the Ladies favoring the background check are not adverse to it being performed on them?
- September 6th, 2009, 08:56 am
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simplemind simplemind is offline
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Seneca, makes me sad that you felt the need to generalize all women like that--but I figure you or people you know, have been on the receiving end of this kind of stuff often enough that it must feel like every woman comes to you with these things in her heart.

Damned before you even do.

So I answered each question, honestly. Was easy for nearly all of them, because I've done that inventory and then some. More'n a few times. The answers weren't so easy, and they never are. But naming what we've done is a good start.

The answers to some are deeply personal, and not publishable to a group of strangers. There are people here I think are coming to be friends; but to any gawker or lurker, including my patients here, they are NYB.

I had three positive responses. Then, when I went back and answered for the things I knew about my ex, there were five. So we're not too far apart. He wasn't a bad person, we just weren't good for each other.

And btw, some of the things above aren't dealbreakers for me--unless in the context of other things that are harmful. My close friends tell me my biggest fault is in trusting too much at first--even though it may be my Achilles' heel, I believe it is my greatest strength. Without hope for my fellow humans, why go on living?

But I will ask that the smart men of this group, for most of whom I have formed a great deal of respect, ask yourselves these same direct questions. Openly and honestly, please. What's good for the goose....?

I think the main thing that comes down to it for me, is that there are men who have been made to feel this way by some women. And that makes me grieve for the men who've been harmed this way--and the women who couldn't let go of the hate and fear.
Last edited by simplemind; September 6th, 2009 at 09:08 am. Reason: Haven't visited the background check thread. Seems it might spoil my day if I did.?
- September 6th, 2009, 09:02 am
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jayjay jayjay is offline
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My only 'yes' responses to those questions were that years ago I cheated on a girlfriend and that I've accepted money from a woman for sex. No wait...that last was only a dream. ; )
- September 6th, 2009, 09:09 am
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