Ok, I'm getting stumped here, can someone offer advice please


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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #1  September 5,2009, 4:09am
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I need to get something off my chest and figure out if I'm thinking normal here or if I'm just being unreasonable. Some of this may ramble, I'll try to avoid that, but many thoughts need to be communicated to try to get the full details out.

I met a girl in real life about two months ago, we have been dating for about six weeks. We have had amazing dates, where both of us had treated the other, and things are seemingly going well but I have one thing sticking in my mind. She says she wants to take it slow and develop a friendship before assigning labels to our relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) so right now we are 'exclusive' and dating. After we had that talk it seemed to make some sense to me because I've always moved right into something serious rather quickly, so this taking it slow thing is new and I am not opposed to it, to an extent. I am 34, she is 28, both of us have done the selfish period in our lives and we have talked about looking for something more serious for the future. We have both said our relationship was open to more for each of us and that she wants to take it slow she has said more will be there.

I've met her mother and she is going to meet mine this upcoming week. She has talked recently about wanting me to start hanging out with her friends some and start to meet some of them, and she just mentioned that she wanted me to meet her room mate. So with those statements I do see some progress even though it is slow. She has also mentioned maybe going somewhere on vacation together by the end of the year. I should also mention that we have had sex. We have a lot in common, and share many of the same interests, I have more in common with her than anyone else I have ever dated. I really like her and spending time with her. Seems pretty good, right?

Well me being the probably overly analyzing person that I am has one thing just gnawing at me. I wonder why if she wants to develop a friendship, this core base where we are supposed to be each others' best friend, why do we only date once a week and maybe talk on the phone to each other one other time a week? I just think there should be more communication at this point, if for nothing else but to develop things. I'm certainly not looking for an every day thing, and we both have crazy work schedules, so I can understand some of it. Sometimes there just seems to be a lack of effort from her. Am I looking into this too much? If I am when by timeframe should I expect things to start moving more? I understand only I would be able to know for sure but there has to be some cutoff. I'd really hate to push the issue too soon, too fast, but I'd also like more interest to be shown my way. Even if was a quick text message for me to have a nice day, anything like that is fine. Our only real conversations have been when we are on our dates, the phone calls only set up these dates and we never have real conversation on the phone. I've decided to not contact her until she contacts me right now. Our last contact was last Wednesday on a date, a great one and a fun time for both of us.

Now some may say I have a perfect situation here, but I'm also 34 and while I can be patient, I'd like to see things progress a little quicker. I get no signs of her seeing someone else, in fact I really don't think there is anyone because she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be known as a serial dater. We work at the same place but in different departments and with different schedules. So I can understand her feelings about wanting to be a bit cautious.

So am I out of line to think I would like to have more? I almost want to give her some extra time simply for the reason that I have so much in common with her. But obviously this is an issue to me otherwise I wouldn't be on here posting it. Thoughts? Advice please? TIA!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  September 5,2009, 4:19am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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First of all....trying to convince her to be more interested in you won't work.....so don't even think about that. She has to come to that place on her own.

Also, you're last date was last Wednesday? I take it some of these once a week dates are during the week. I'm getting a hunch that while you may be 'exclusive' in dating her....perhaps she isn't (regardless of what she has told you).

Regardless, to be dating exclusively so early seems a mistake. In the situation you described what you don't want to be doing is sitting around waiting for her to decide if she'll 'honor you' with more interest. You should be dating other women....and if she wants to take things further with you then you can decide what to do at that time. If she doesn't....then you're already out there continuing your dating life.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  September 5,2009, 4:30am
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Attaching labels (“dating, relationship”) is not important to me. What matters is how a woman treats me, not what words she uses to describe us. When the situation calls for it, you can always ask what she means be a specific label.
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  September 5,2009, 4:31am
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poets_ink is offline poets_ink Post #5  September 5,2009, 4:50am
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Huh?? What's her problem?? I think you're very reasonable.. As far as i know, anybody will think that whatever happened to both of you, only happens into two people happily in love.. If she doesn't want to be tied at the first place, she shouldn't let you fall for nothing.. Just think of this, she won't let you suffer if you really mean something to her.. So I guess, instead of waiting for her, just try to accept the fact and move on.. of course it's not easy but you have to.. You seemed to be a nice a guy so you deserved someone better than her..
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  September 5,2009, 4:56am
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2 months? Thats pretty fast already.

I think shes smart for taking it that slow, but theres really no way for anyone, based on what you wrote, to know how interested or not she is. She also did a lot of things (sex, "treating") that i would have never done in two short months so that seems like its moving pretty freaking fast to me!

Your contact with each other seems intense in one way and completely the opposite in another so i think that is where you are getting confused (or whatever) you might be used to girls that have sex and pay that also pursue you and she isnt so maybe you dont know how to take that?

I also find it interesting that you arent calling her until she calls you.

I'm sure that was no help sorry.
 
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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #7  September 5,2009, 5:08am
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Nanette wrote :

I also find it interesting that you arent calling her until she calls you.

I'm sure that was no help sorry.
I guess I'm trying to gauge the interest level. It feels there, I do believe she is interested. I'm just not used to this slower pace I guess.
 
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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #8  September 5,2009, 5:10am
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jayjay wrote :
First of all....trying to convince her to be more interested in you won't work.....so don't even think about that. She has to come to that place on her own.

Also, you're last date was last Wednesday? I take it some of these once a week dates are during the week. I'm getting a hunch that while you may be 'exclusive' in dating her....perhaps she isn't (regardless of what she has told you).

I'm not trying to force anything, quite the opposite.

Our last date was a Wednesday but we have had Fridays and Saturdays as well, I don't think that is an issue. I should also note that she has to work weekends so it would not be possible to go out every weekend.
Last edited by vinlukin; September 5,2009 at 5:29am.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  September 5,2009, 5:28am
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Really, if someone is seeing you it has to be one of three conditions:
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Nylit is offline Nylit Post #10  September 5,2009, 5:51am
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She sounds like she is unsure, perhaps a past relationship backfired on her? Give her time and be ready for anything.
 
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