need advice if anyone has any?


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emdet is offline emdet Post #1  September 4,2009, 9:07pm
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Hello. This is going to seem like a juvenile question considering i'm almost 30 years old but I really do need some suggestions.

First, I should mention that I'm pretty shy at first and tend to come off as a snob or just uninterested because people don't realize that I'm just more timid than I seem. Anyway, there is this man at church who I'm interested in and he's very friendly and everything and I think he might be interested in me too but every time he stops me to talk I just say one or two sentences and then quickly head on my way to wherever I was going. I know I come off rude probably but I just get too nervous but I know I don't look or act nervous on the outside so I end up just seeming rude. I'm surprised that he still even bothers trying to talk to me. Honestly, he may not be interested, he may just be very friendly but either way I have to figure out a way to be more open to his attempts at conversation. I just don't know what to say and being nervous makes me just avoid the situation. It's ridiculous that at my age I'm having such a problem having a simple conversation. Anyway, does anyone have any advice?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  September 4,2009, 9:14pm
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Well, assuming you can’t fix the underlying problem, how about asking him something highly specific?
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  September 4,2009, 9:27pm
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Ok, first word of advice. A genuine smile is a great way to assure you don't come off as rude.

DLion is right about having something to discuss is a good idea. When he stops you to talk what does he mention? Follow his lead but be prepared with some subjects of your own.

Don't be down on yourself for being nervous. That is normal since you don't have a lot of experience. Just be sure that you don't let it stop you from conversing with this man.

Also, these tips for getting to know this guy. Practice on others..... even people (guys and gals) you aren't interested in dating. Practice Practice Practice.

Best of luck!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  September 4,2009, 9:29pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I've read a number of these 'church flirtation' stories on this forum. The stories always seem to get weirder as they progress. The thing that occurs to me is it might not be a good idea to pursue romance by flirting with someone in church.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #5  September 4,2009, 9:31pm
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It's actually really common to feel especially shy around someone who interests you. So, you aren't alone there!

I agree that it might help to think in advance of some questions you might ask him. You already know that you have church in common, so there should be some questions you can think of on that topic (e.g., "What did you think of the sermon today?"). Do you know of some interests that he might have that you could ask about? (e.g., "Hey; I've been meaning to ask you...") You could ask him about a trip you know he's taken, or about an area of expertise you know he has, or about something that you've heard him talking about...

There is a good chance that once you get past those first few sentences you will feel more relaxed and the conversation will flow more easily and naturally.

Another tactic would be to join in the conversation when you see him talking with someone around whom you are comfortable and at ease. Then you won't feel that you have to carry as much of the conversation and can just pipe in when you feel comfortable...
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  September 4,2009, 9:34pm
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jayjay wrote :
I've read a number of these 'church flirtation' stories on this forum. The stories always seem to get weirder as they progress. The thing that occurs to me is it might not be a good idea to pursue romance by flirting with someone in church.

She can ask him if he thinks chuch doctrine about pre-marital sex is a good idea?
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #7  September 4,2009, 9:39pm
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Ask him if he is still considering converting. See if you can catch him laughing and take him off guard. Then you will have a minute to start a conversation with him. Just make it a joke to break your tension.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  September 4,2009, 9:42pm
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emdet wrote :
First, I should mention that I'm pretty shy at first and tend to come off as a snob or just uninterested because people don't realize that I'm just more timid than I seem. Anyway, there is this man at church who I'm interested in and he's very friendly and everything and I think he might be interested in me too but every time he stops me to talk I just say one or two sentences and then quickly head on my way to wherever I was going. I know I come off rude probably but I just get too nervous but I know I don't look or act nervous on the outside so I end up just seeming rude. Anyway, does anyone have any advice?
Here's an off-the-wall suggestion: the next time he approaches you, say your one or two sentences as usual, and then instead of getting embarrassed and heading on your way try this.

"For some reason I always get a little nervous around you, although I'm really glad you came up and talked to me today"

I think this approach will make you sound honest and I bet he'll admire you for this. The reason I say this is that the guy I've been dating said he was nervous the last time we were together. I found it endearing, and it worked out nicely for him.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #9  September 4,2009, 9:45pm
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Do you know his name? Force yourself to ask.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  September 4,2009, 9:52pm
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Dear Emdet,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice and thanks for posting.

Most of us have been where you are at one time or another in our lives and what you're experiencing is very common!

It helps to understand that he may be every bit as shy as you but is simply more practiced in overcoming it.

One can overcome it. The secret is this: Focus on the other person and not on yourself. When you do this, you won't be thinking about yourself and how shy you are but will be genuinely interested in the other person and what he or she has to say.

Start by giving the person a nice smile with appropriate eye contact. Say something like this when you see him,

"Good Sunday morning. So good to see you. I have a confession to make . . . . I'm a bit shy and I hope I haven't come across as snobbish because of it. I'm working to overcome that. What did you think of the sermon this morning?" (Or you could mention whatever point caught your attention from the sermon).

Then find something you liked about the sermon and share that such as something like:

"I particularly like that passage from Ephesians 6: 10, 'Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might,' and the putting on the full armor of God verses that follow. Do you have a favorite Bible passage or book of the Bible?"

It's important for you to volley the conversational ball back and forth with him. Think of it like this. Every time he volley's you a conversational ball, if you just say not too much more then, "Yes," or "No," then you're dropping the conversational ball on the person you're speaking with.

Respond back and then ask him something which requires more than a "Yes" or "No" so that he can volley the conversation back to you.

Shyness is being too self-conscious and thinking the other person is looking at you. Keep in mind people do think about themselves a lot and not so much about the other person.

The secret to holding a winning conversation is to genuinely inquire about the person and their interests while sharing some of your's along the way. Not in a 20 questions-kind of way, but with sincerity and sharing back in like fashion. It's very important to share back. That way, you're establishing some commonalities and things on which to build future conversations.

Remember, confidence is attractive. Even if you don't feel confident at the moment, you don't always have to reveal it or you can do so in a disarming manner such as apologizing for being shy in the example conversation above.

Again, the key is to focus on the other person, not on yourself.

Let us know how it goes. Remember also that being a good conversationalist is nothing more than a skill that anyone can learn. There are more people than one would think that appear outgoing on the surface but who are actually quite shy inside; they've simply learned how to overcome it.

The more you practice, the better you'll become in the art of conversation.

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; September 5,2009 at 9:39am. Reason: Grammar and punctuation
 
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