I'm thinking of a friend of mine. A 12-stepper, who works his program and works it and works it.

The people I know who've been in recovery a long time--whether AA, AlAnon, CA, NA, etc--are some of the most incredible people I know.

This particular friend had a little cat who moved in with him and his dogs-- he lives in a small rural town about a hundred miles east of here. She was very precious to him, comforted him through cancer, son's time in the Gulf War, and more than a few heartaches.

One day, while he was at the funeral of a past sponsor, some teenage boys coaxed that sweet, trusting little calico out into the yard; where they beat her to death with sticks. The neighbor across the street saw it and told him about it when he found his tender companion, but was too afraid to name the boys.

On getting the email about it, I sent back a note letting him know he was in my prayers. I felt murderous--I was enraged. Didn't share that with him in my note, as I didn't want to burden him with my feelings when he was in need.

He thanked me, and asked me to pray, too, for the boys who thought that this kind of thing was okay.

I think I began to understand forgiveness in a very different way that day.

tumbleweed, javajava, and victoriesecret--the dressing on top of our beliefs may be quite different, but I suspect the foundation is the same.

I'm not so sure that this kind of forgiveness comes without a higher example.

and who am I, to not forgive myself, if someone else has already forgiven me?

Something I still, being a small human monkey, struggle with on a regular basis, Overanalyzer. How to forgive myself for transgressions perhaps only I see? Or for those glossings-over we all rationalize our pettinesses with?

For all I believe I know the answer, I still fight like a fish on the line.