Emotions & Expectations Landmines for men?


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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #1  September 2,2009, 12:11pm
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Ladies please share some insight here for everyones benefit. Anything I may post here is not intended to anger or insult or generalize or pick on anyone of either gender or anyone else for that matter. Just have some questions to ponder to help gain some useful information.

In my experience there seems to be some level of expectations when trying to communicate with some women. What is the underlying reason(s) for having any when you are meeting someone new. I am referring more to things associated with past relationships just to be clear about what I am talking about.

Women have mentioned many times things they just know will be expected of a man in a new relationship because their ex or last boy friend said or did those things. I am not going to specify because that may offend someone and that is not my purpose here.

Next comes the point after initial contact is made, the woman chooses to respond and see whats there. This is all fine and dandy, but there seems to be a huge influx of emotions way too early at this point.

Then as things go it seems this mixture of emotions and expectations gets thrown together and becomes very flammable. Here is one example that happened to me just recently and appears to have spoiled what may have been a potential.

I contacted her first and she took a little time then responded. All seems ok. We emailed a little while then she asked for my cell. OK no harm there and we can actually communicate. WOW what a concept.

Things go along and then she calls me early one morning a few days later. She is driving to work and talking to me on the cell, not good. We talked briefly about a meet, ok. We did not, and I will repeat this part, We DID NOT finish that conversation.

She arrived at work and had to go, again, no problem. She then emails me next day and sounds upset??? OK, whats up here?? Not a call but an email, ok what did I do to piss her off?? Seems like a fair question. I emailed back, asked what was wrong. She wanted to cancel plans to meet because she assumed we were going to meet the same afternoon when she called while heading to work.

I explained to her that if she recalled that conversation we had in fact not made any plans specific to meeting as we did not finish the conversation. The last I told her very clearly was that we still had to coordinate our schedules, a time, and a suitable place to meet.

That was the end before it even got off the ground. Spontaneous combustion maybe??
 
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KiskaKitty is offline KiskaKitty Post #2  September 2,2009, 1:06pm
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In my family that's what we call "a failure to communicate" it usually happens when my mom starts making assumptions without verbally clarifying with everyone else what she's thinking.

*sigh*

Some people are just better at communicating than others.
 
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Valor8 is offline Valor8 Post #3  September 2,2009, 1:23pm

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If one can't clearly say what he/she wants or expects and wants the other to basically mind-read, a relationship is bound to fail. Be glad you received a clue that early. Of course, second chances are always warranted.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #4  September 2,2009, 1:54pm
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Everybody has expectations, and everybody has emotions. It's always good to remember that and cut people some slack, while trying to make sure our own emotions and expectations stay reasonable.

I can't fix what anybody else feels or expects, but I can do my part to be clear in my communication and realistic in my expectations. I have quite enough communication issues of my own to work on without having to point out everybody else's.

If there is a misunderstanding and the other person reacts badly, I can either patiently work to clear up the misunderstanding or I can move on and try to find someone more emotionally stable.
Last edited by kevin76; September 2,2009 at 1:55pm. Reason: Decided the last sentence might be counter-productive
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  September 2,2009, 2:17pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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My answer is.....who cares? I think you just have to let it be known, either explicitly or implicitly, what kind of behavior you won't accept.

In the specific situation you mentioned I don't think I would have even asked what was wrong. I'd have just responded saying 'We didn't make any concrete plans to meet. Would you like to set up a day & time now?'. If she persisted in the way she initially emailed you my response would be 'You're acting inappropriately. You either won't continue acting that way or we can just say goodbye and good luck right now'.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  September 2,2009, 2:20pm
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Are you suggesting you have a problem of this kind often, with different women?
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  September 2,2009, 2:21pm
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jayjay wrote :
You either won't continue acting that way or we can just say goodbye and good luck right now'.

I do this too, and it is very effective.
 
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Mainah64 is offline Mainah64 Post #8  September 2,2009, 2:37pm
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jayjay wrote :
'You're acting inappropriately. You either won't continue acting that way or we can just say goodbye and good luck right now'.
D_Lion wrote :
I do this too, and it is very effective.
Pretty impressive for two guys without kids.

I just wouldn't bother as that kind of behavior would repeat itself.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  September 2,2009, 2:39pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Mainah64 wrote :
Pretty impressive for two guys without kids.

I just wouldn't bother as that kind of behavior would repeat itself.
No, I don't have kids. I date them.
 
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simplemind is offline simplemind Post #10  September 2,2009, 3:37pm
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Laughingdaily, I've been on the receiving end of this stuff, too--dating men.

There are some folk, as KiskaKitty said, who just assume something's been done or said and who start acting on those assumptions. Or who change plans and don't tell you but then assume you should have known and don't understand what you're befuddled about.

Tossing my vote in with Mainah and D_L: jayjay's got a way of dealing with it I can use.

Good topic.
 
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