Life changing events and the reactions to them..


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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #51  September 1,2009, 8:48pm
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chawks64 wrote :
Like I said on another thread, we've ALL (including me) got something we have to bring up at some point. It may be something big, like what happened to your son (and to you), or it could be something small, like a food allergy or a phobia. I'm not saying those things are equal. But there's always that anxiety, wondering if this will make the other person write you off as undateable.

And sometimes it does and that anxiety turns into reality. No matter what they are, those things can be dealbreakers for some. More power to them. It frees me to go on my merry way, finding someone who will understand me better and appreciate my life scars as a diploma from the school of hard knocks.

There are understanding women out there.

chawks64 you are really good with words. Thank you for your thoughts and honesty. I have a few of those hard knocks diplomas for my wall too, seems like I may need more wall space though!!!!
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #52  September 1,2009, 9:14pm
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Laughingdaily wrote :
You sound like you may be thinking that I express my inner feelings about this in a negative way and come across as an angry guy who is pissed just to be pissed off.

No problem with anything you said and I am not trying to attack anything you said. My point is I try very hard to keep a positive attitude when I do mention this to people.
If my attitude starts out negative how can I really expect anything but a negative response.

The women do not have anything to do with what happened, right? Am I missing something here?


Laughingdaily, my deepest sympathy to you and my admiration for the positive way you're dealing with the tragedy....I really can't even imagine.

It may be that you are not doing or saying anything "wrong," or in the wrong way... It's a long thread already and my computer is slow, so not sure if someone already mentioned this possibility, but it may be that the women themselves cannot handle thinking about the tragedy, as well as what it would be like if it were their own child (those who have a child/ren), and they can't help thinking about that when they're with you.

Another possibility is that they feel inadequate to say the right thing/s or offer the right kind of support when you're having one of those bad moments or days that people who've suffered great tragedy do tend to experience now and then, even when their tragedy is years behind them and they cope well in general.

For what it's worth, I would not stop seeing someone who divulged a tragedy in their life to me - not even this.

If it had happened a year ago, I would feel differently, but then I feel that way about people who've experienced any kind of major life-changing event, including divorce, who haven't had any counseling or taken time out to deal with the trauma in any way.

I will say.. though I've not experienced this, I've had a few major losses that caused people who couldn't cope to kind of withdraw, and I've got some major family history that may cause some (as they find out) to back away... and I think when you've come through something so hard, and you get to that point where you know you're going to be okay, you're a heck of a strong person... it might be a good thing that anyone who isn't as strong or can't get there in time doesn't hang around.

I wish you the best.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #53  September 2,2009, 9:57am
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Lizzie I do have a considerable amount of info on 5 people who "may" have been involved. This is another reason to limit what is put here.

As I said I would run out of paper if I could keep myself composed long enough to lay out all the things I have done trying to get some answers here.
I too am sorry for your loss. Whether it was 16 years ago or yesterday it is a pain that is still with you especially since it is an unsolved homicide. I can't imagine the emotions of not having a solid answer but unfortunately life is that way without our consent. I am guessing that you are projecting to your dates an unresolved anger and I say this in only thinking about what my reaction would be. You want justice. That's fair. Somehow you need to put your intensity over that situation into living here and now. I agree counseling to help you deal with the unresolved emotions would help. Best wishes for healing.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #54  September 2,2009, 10:31am
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landstar59 wrote :
I too am sorry for your loss. Whether it was 16 years ago or yesterday it is a pain that is still with you especially since it is an unsolved homicide. I can't imagine the emotions of not having a solid answer but unfortunately life is that way without our consent. I am guessing that you are projecting to your dates an unresolved anger and I say this in only thinking about what my reaction would be. You want justice. That's fair. Somehow you need to put your intensity over that situation into living here and now. I agree counseling to help you deal with the unresolved emotions would help. Best wishes for healing.


Landstar59 your thoughts are appreciated very much and I do thank you. However it is time for me to clarify some points for all here to review.

And of course as some know it is also once again disclaimer time: Anything posted here is not intended to offend or anger or pick on anyone of either gender or anyone else for that matter.

Let me try to make this clear here that ANY post I put here in this thread can and will be seen as angry when read. Having said this, when I may be talking to a woman for dating and all that it I will be very mindfull of what I say and how I say anything even remotely related to this topic.

Have seen numerous counselors many of which helped TO A POINT WHERE THEY BACKED OUT. Please read this part.

I do not go around spouting off about this or anything like that at all. If I had chosen a differnt way to deal with this then chances are very good I would not be able to be here today post and looking for some input. I am always learning, that is the fun part.
 
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Amethyst_Kim41 is offline Amethyst_Kim41 Post #55  September 2,2009, 4:37pm
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Hi Dan........hmmmm after reading all of this thread Ive been giving some thought to why a woman wouldn't stick around. For someone who has never experienced the death of a child I can only guess at the heartache, but yet do I realise that the circumstances of your son's death only exacerbate the tragedy.
All I can say is that for me, if we were on a date and we were talking about life and kids and you mentioned your son, I would be interested and sympathetic............but I would also be "reading" you. Your body language, tone of voice, facial expression......everything. I know I wouldnt run from a potential relationship unless there was something there that made me think twice.
What happened was indeed a long time ago and I feel you have dealt with the grief, but I also sense an intensity within you on the subject itself. That's completely understandable, but also quite possibly frightening to a woman who likes you.
That's what I think straight for you Buddy :-) Best to you
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #56  September 2,2009, 5:11pm
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Amethyst_Kim41 wrote :
Hi Dan........hmmmm after reading all of this thread Ive been giving some thought to why a woman wouldn't stick around. For someone who has never experienced the death of a child I can only guess at the heartache, but yet do I realise that the circumstances of your son's death only exacerbate the tragedy.
All I can say is that for me, if we were on a date and we were talking about life and kids and you mentioned your son, I would be interested and sympathetic............but I would also be "reading" you. Your body language, tone of voice, facial expression......everything. I know I wouldnt run from a potential relationship unless there was something there that made me think twice.
What happened was indeed a long time ago and I feel you have dealt with the grief, but I also sense an intensity within you on the subject itself. That's completely understandable, but also quite possibly frightening to a woman who likes you.
That's what I think straight for you Buddy :-) Best to you

Amethyst you are quite correct in pointing out how I may come across to a person who does not "know" me very well. This is one reason I am trying to see what other people think about this type of thing.

I can not tell anyone here how much this one event has made me do a self-check, for lack of words. This seems like a continuing and perhaps never ending problem.

Finding myself going over the smallest and simplest form to put this out and constantly practicing in the mirror, so to speak. That gets tiring fast.

My anger that you and anyone reading this may sense is expected here. I think my posts have said this and please try to remember the difference between posting here for help, and trying to talk to a woman for a potential match.

I have really worked very hard to get where I am and I do not ever want to think for a second that I need to hide something from anyone who may be that "one".
Last edited by Laughingdaily; September 2,2009 at 5:14pm.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #57  September 3,2009, 9:50am
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Landstar59 your thoughts are appreciated very much and I do thank you. However it is time for me to clarify some points for all here to review.

And of course as some know it is also once again disclaimer time: Anything posted here is not intended to offend or anger or pick on anyone of either gender or anyone else for that matter.

Let me try to make this clear here that ANY post I put here in this thread can and will be seen as angry when read. Having said this, when I may be talking to a woman for dating and all that it I will be very mindfull of what I say and how I say anything even remotely related to this topic.

Have seen numerous counselors many of which helped TO A POINT WHERE THEY BACKED OUT. Please read this part.

I do not go around spouting off about this or anything like that at all. If I had chosen a differnt way to deal with this then chances are very good I would not be able to be here today post and looking for some input. I am always learning, that is the fun part.

Laughingdaily, I didn't mean to imply that you spouted off to women, that they thought you an angry person. What I meant and let me try to clarify through example...my cat came up missing about 3 months ago (and I am not comparing my cat to your son either, just trying to make a point) that I was so very sad I could not smile for anything for the first week. Now when I stepped out in public my face probably appeared solemn. My behavior, I felt, was the same, but the undertone of all was extreme sadness. So it is possible that even though you don't feel you are projecting anger, that it could be there right under the surface, visible to others. Only you know though. The other thing is some people are not comfortable with other people's grief. I myself don't have a problem with it; I will let them share their sorrow. Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet?
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #58  September 5,2009, 2:35pm
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Hello to everyone and I really do sincerely appreciate all of you for your help here.

A few have contacted me on PM and one reason I am posting this update is to let all of you know that there are those here who know more about my struggle with this situation than what I have chosen to put here.

This morning here on left coast time I read a message from one particular friend here who will not be identified here as we agreed. This person realized somehow what I was trying to say here.

My only perspective was from the inside looking out. That is a tough spot to view yourself from in some situations.

One paragraph sent to me early today has given me some very good ways to put this problem in a different perspective, and yet not change how I feel about my son.

The insight and wisdom of this very special friend is beyond any words I can find. Their approach to this, how the message was written and most of all how they gave me this rather simple advice that not one of all the counselors, support groups and untold number of others in a professional capacity or not have never told me.

And as you know from reading this entire thread, I am very aware that I am on the inside looking out. That is precisely why I chose to post here looking for some advice.

Again, thank you so much to one and all of you for your response and help with this unfortunate event. I think things will greatly improve from my end here starting today.

And I alsohave several matchs wanting to talk to me due to this "free weekend" thing. So I had better get back on the flip side of this and see what happens ! !


Dan
 
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