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jayjay jayjay is offline
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Thank you for your questions.

All of the women except 1 told me in various forms of communication that they could not or would not deal with this situation. Some took a longer way around but wound up at the same place. Lots of kind words and all that coulda', woulda' , and blah blah stuff, BUT stuff.

It just doesn't jive for women to have a problem strictly with this issue...especially as it happened 16 years ago. The only thing I can think of is that this is something that still dominates your life and that you haven't moved beyond. This may be what the women say can't deal with, more than the fact of what actually happened in the past.
- September 1st, 2009, 01:03 pm
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jayjay wrote :
It just doesn't jive for women to have a problem strictly with this issue...especially as it happened 16 years ago. The only thing I can think of is that this is something that still dominates your life and that you haven't moved beyond. This may be what the women say can't deal with, more than the fact of what actually happened in the past.
You have a very good point here jayjay. Please allow me to use a little paper here to see if I am maybe missing something in how I may be sending the wrong signals, so to speak when I do approach this part.

I need to re-group for a bit as I have gone way further into this than I initially thought I would need to. Your thoughts here are very much appreciated.
I will get back here shortly and we can see where this goes. After all, I am here for advice and input. I will be first to tell you I am only human.
- September 1st, 2009, 01:12 pm
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I'm sorry that happened. As a mom, I don't know how well I would deal with it. Probably not very well, at least initially. Maybe it's a good thing my ex "lost" my Beretta when we split...

I know it's not quite the same thing, but I dated a widower once who was not very "forward-facing". By that I mean I felt like he was always looking back over his shoulder for his deceased wife. Even 25 years after her passing, and a subsequent remarriage, you could tell she never left his mind.

That's very tough to live with, feeling like you're never moving forward as a couple, that you're tethered to the past and can never fully have the heart of the man you love. I'm not saying you act or think this way about your son, but maybe that's what the ladies are assuming.
- September 1st, 2009, 05:27 pm
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Thank you for your input. The anger and frustration that I feel in regard to this event and all the endless meetings and some things I can not put here is not directed toward anyone outside of those who are involved.

This has been one area where I am very focused on what I may choose to say and how I word any statements I may say in what would be considered a casual conversation between 2 people who do not know each other that well.

You sound like you may be thinking that I express my inner feelings about this in a negative way and come across as an angry guy who is pissed just to be pissed off.

No problem with anything you said and I am not trying to attack anything you said. My point is I try very hard to keep a positive attitude when I do mention this to people.
If my attitude starts out negative how can I really expect anything but a negative response.

The women do not have anything to do with what happened, right? Am I missing something here?
You got my point. I'm just saying that a perceptive woman might pick up on your anger and frustration, fulling recognizing that it has nothing to do with her. An insightful woman may choose, however unfairly, not to wade into a relationship with someone who is angry or frustrated about a significant past event like yours.

On a much lesser scale, think of it like a woman who describes a sad and dysfunctional situation with her father. He doesn't even live nearby. She's feels cheated out of a relationship with him and she's angry. But she does a good job of accepting that she's angry and frustrated. It has nothing to do with you. Do you jump in?

These are the kinds of things that counseling helps with: should she have told you about her dad? Should she have waited? How much to disclose? Is it OK that she is angry?

This situation is entirely different from yours, but the anger and frustration, though perhaps less justified than yours, is the same.
- September 1st, 2009, 05:30 pm
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Mainah64 Mainah64 is offline
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Heya Dan,

I can see many women looking at you as damaged goods. In today's dating arena there is too much jumping to conclusions and judgements. That said, anyone that quickly makes the wrong assumptions and runs for whatever reasons aint worth your (or my) time.

I was in a relationship with a gal that lost a child and it didn't make me run. A little patience and openmindedness goes a long way.

I see how its something that will come out rather quickly. I would tell them that it happened a long time ago, you've done your work, are emotionally healthy and not living in continual grief. Then I'd move it along by saying that you would be willing to share more when the time is right, and then switch the convo to something positive and show them that you do have a lighter side with a sense of humor. It'll take some work as many might want to keep the focus on the topic out of sympathy and curiosity and they will get themselves in a sad place and incorrectly equate that to your state.

My .02
- September 1st, 2009, 06:16 pm
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Hi Dan. I'm sorry about what has happened to you, and what you have to deal with now. I would not write you off, and I'm sure there are a lot of women in your area that wouldn't. But perhaps, you have been dating the wrong kind of woman. You seem to be a pretty optimistic, happy guy. So the woman going out with you is expecting fun and light hearted conversation. If you get into this issue with her on a first date, she's probably thinking you are way too deeep for what she is looking for right now.
I understand that it's important to you to put your cards on the table up front. And I'm also guessing that you talk about your ongoing problems in getting justice. To someone who has recently met you, it might sound like this issue dominates your life- not that you are dealing with it in a positive way. In a first date, you are just getting to know a person and see if there is a possibility of more interest- not signing up for a big commitment and a lot of ongoing stress.
Maybe this has come up with your counselors, and maybe it hasn't. You don't need to pour out your life story on the first date- just have fun and enjoy the person for who thay are. And let your heartache go for a little while. It will unfortunately still be there when your date is over.
Best of luck to you.
- September 1st, 2009, 07:07 pm
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Laughingdaily wrote :
Good morning to all. I am going to put this out here because this has caused me great difficulty in my on-going effort to find that seemingly elusive woman who may be out here hoping to meet a guy like me.

I have lost a child and it was a homicide. The case remains unsolved. Let me be very clear at this point to tell you this tragic event WAS NOT the cause of my decision to end my marriage.

The reason I am posting this is to see if there is some unwritten rule that says if you meet a person who has lost a child you must get away fast and not even think about knowing anything else about that "DAMAGED" person. Regardless of any other possible attributes or good qualities that person may have.

What the H**L is this all about?? I am sure other people with similar situations have run into this. I am a very optimistic person but this one has me wandering what I can do to move another person beyond this part of my life.

I know someone out here has solved this one. Please give me some insight here.

Thank you,

Dan
Hi Dan,
I read your posting and My heart jumped out to you. I have had some very similiar cituations and questions lately as well, well it seems like my life. For one thing you are not DAMAGED. I know you think that but your not. You feel like there is something wrong with you. You know your a good person. Fun to be around, and feeling as if your on cloud nine when you are around that special person, hoping you are giving them the same joy in return. I think a haved summed it up to, "INTIMIDATION." People get nervous when something out of the ordinary happens or has happenedthen they tend to run away. They either dont want to deal with it or just dont care. But why not deal with it together. My cituation is, his kids are trying to run his life, he loves them dearly. He is recently divorced, well too years divorced. Going back and forth from me and the ex wife. Im a very independant woman. I have taken care of my three kids for many years, even through my first marriage. I was always the one working. Well this guy has always taken care of his family and is very indepedant as well. He is the type that believes that a man supports the whole family. So its a habit for him. I come into my life and sees that i dont need him in that way. So i think ran away because he thinks he has to have that sense of power. Why cant they fight for us, when you would do the world for them.
There is nothing you can do to move that person further in a relationship if they dont want to be. you are doing what you think is right, that is a very important part of your life that has brought alot of heartache. You need to be honest and she should sympathize with you ant help deal with it. But that brings me to say that everthing happens for a reason, and obviously you havent found that special someone thats out there for you. There not worth having if they dont want to be by your side. Thats what a have been trying to tell myself for a while now. Well it seems like a have told myself alot in my lifetime. It sounds like your doing the right things. I wish you luck.
- September 1st, 2009, 08:01 pm
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uncertain wrote :
Hi Dan,
I read your posting and My heart jumped out to you. I have had some very similiar cituations and questions lately as well, well it seems like my life. For one thing you are not DAMAGED. I know you think that but your not. You feel like there is something wrong with you. You know your a good person. Fun to be around, and feeling as if your on cloud nine when you are around that special person, hoping you are giving them the same joy in return. I think a haved summed it up to, "INTIMIDATION." People get nervous when something out of the ordinary happens or has happenedthen they tend to run away. They either dont want to deal with it or just dont care. But why not deal with it together. My cituation is, his kids are trying to run his life, he loves them dearly. He is recently divorced, well too years divorced. Going back and forth from me and the ex wife. Im a very independant woman. I have taken care of my three kids for many years, even through my first marriage. I was always the one working. Well this guy has always taken care of his family and is very indepedant as well. He is the type that believes that a man supports the whole family. So its a habit for him. I come into my life and sees that i dont need him in that way. So i think ran away because he thinks he has to have that sense of power. Why cant they fight for us, when you would do the world for them.
There is nothing you can do to move that person further in a relationship if they dont want to be. you are doing what you think is right, that is a very important part of your life that has brought alot of heartache. You need to be honest and she should sympathize with you ant help deal with it. But that brings me to say that everthing happens for a reason, and obviously you havent found that special someone thats out there for you. There not worth having if they dont want to be by your side. Thats what a have been trying to tell myself for a while now. Well it seems like a have told myself alot in my lifetime. It sounds like your doing the right things. I wish you luck.

Hello uncertain. First I want to thank you for your thoughts on this situation. Now I have to put my disclaimer up here again: Anything posted here is not intended to anger or upset anyone of either gender, and no I am not angry or offended, just need to do a better job communicating in written form.

First of all I do not and never have thought of myself or any number of people I know who have had this happen in any way, shape or form as "damaged" in any way.

Perhaps you may not have read each post and/or my responses to them. You may not quite understand this type of event and I do understand that. Please try to "see" how your response may be taken wrong. And if I did take it wrong, then I appologize for that mistake.
- September 1st, 2009, 08:35 pm
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Laughingdaily Laughingdaily is online now
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PlantLady wrote :
Hi Dan. I'm sorry about what has happened to you, and what you have to deal with now. I would not write you off, and I'm sure there are a lot of women in your area that wouldn't. But perhaps, you have been dating the wrong kind of woman. You seem to be a pretty optimistic, happy guy. So the woman going out with you is expecting fun and light hearted conversation. If you get into this issue with her on a first date, she's probably thinking you are way too deeep for what she is looking for right now.
I understand that it's important to you to put your cards on the table up front. And I'm also guessing that you talk about your ongoing problems in getting justice. To someone who has recently met you, it might sound like this issue dominates your life- not that you are dealing with it in a positive way. In a first date, you are just getting to know a person and see if there is a possibility of more interest- not signing up for a big commitment and a lot of ongoing stress.
Maybe this has come up with your counselors, and maybe it hasn't. You don't need to pour out your life story on the first date- just have fun and enjoy the person for who thay are. And let your heartache go for a little while. It will unfortunately still be there when your date is over.
Best of luck to you.

Hello PlantLady, Thank you for your comments on this problem. You indeed are guessing alot here about how I approach this topic. It is not something you can just dive into and then rant and rave about all the unresolved issues. That is part of why I am reaching out here to see how other people may deal with this type of event.

I have my days for sure, but that is not something I "share" with anyone and those do not involve any anger or other outwardly aggressive actions on my part at all.
I try to keep this a "old news, but something you should at least know about" short as possible and condensed or edited or whatever you want to call that. Still seems to be a problem.
- September 1st, 2009, 08:51 pm
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Hey, Dan...I read back through all this and..
1), I never came out and said how much I admire you , your attitude and your heart. I would not have any left after such.
2) you have been there, done that....the counselors are past tense and the women continue to flee because of this and only this.

I would have to agree with the majority: you just haven't met the right one. Yeah, the lineup su%S....but all it takes is one keeper.
best wishes!
- September 1st, 2009, 09:13 pm
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