Life changing events and the reactions to them..

Thank you for your questions.

All of the women except 1 told me in various forms of communication that they could not or would not deal with this situation. Some took a longer way around but wound up at the same place. Lots of kind words and all that coulda', woulda' , and blah blah stuff, BUT stuff.

It just doesn't jive for women to have a problem strictly with this issue...especially as it happened 16 years ago. The only thing I can think of is that this is something that still dominates your life and that you haven't moved beyond. This may be what the women say can't deal with, more than the fact of what actually happened in the past.

Good morning to all. I am going to put this out here because this has caused me great difficulty in my on-going effort to find that seemingly elusive woman who may be out here hoping to meet a guy like me.

I have lost a child and it was a homicide. The case remains unsolved. Let me be very clear at this point to tell you this tragic event WAS NOT the cause of my decision to end my marriage.

The reason I am posting this is to see if there is some unwritten rule that says if you meet a person who has lost a child you must get away fast and not even think about knowing anything else about that "DAMAGED" person. Regardless of any other possible attributes or good qualities that person may have.

What the H**L is this all about?? I am sure other people with similar situations have run into this. I am a very optimistic person but this one has me wandering what I can do to move another person beyond this part of my life.

I know someone out here has solved this one. Please give me some insight here.

Thank you,

Dan

Hi Dan,
I read your posting and My heart jumped out to you. I have had some very similiar cituations and questions lately as well, well it seems like my life. For one thing you are not DAMAGED. I know you think that but your not. You feel like there is something wrong with you. You know your a good person. Fun to be around, and feeling as if your on cloud nine when you are around that special person, hoping you are giving them the same joy in return. I think a haved summed it up to, "INTIMIDATION." People get nervous when something out of the ordinary happens or has happenedthen they tend to run away. They either dont want to deal with it or just dont care. But why not deal with it together. My cituation is, his kids are trying to run his life, he loves them dearly. He is recently divorced, well too years divorced. Going back and forth from me and the ex wife. Im a very independant woman. I have taken care of my three kids for many years, even through my first marriage. I was always the one working. Well this guy has always taken care of his family and is very indepedant as well. He is the type that believes that a man supports the whole family. So its a habit for him. I come into my life and sees that i dont need him in that way. So i think ran away because he thinks he has to have that sense of power. Why cant they fight for us, when you would do the world for them.
There is nothing you can do to move that person further in a relationship if they dont want to be. you are doing what you think is right, that is a very important part of your life that has brought alot of heartache. You need to be honest and she should sympathize with you ant help deal with it. But that brings me to say that everthing happens for a reason, and obviously you havent found that special someone thats out there for you. There not worth having if they dont want to be by your side. Thats what a have been trying to tell myself for a while now. Well it seems like a have told myself alot in my lifetime. It sounds like your doing the right things. I wish you luck.

Hi Dan. I'm sorry about what has happened to you, and what you have to deal with now. I would not write you off, and I'm sure there are a lot of women in your area that wouldn't. But perhaps, you have been dating the wrong kind of woman. You seem to be a pretty optimistic, happy guy. So the woman going out with you is expecting fun and light hearted conversation. If you get into this issue with her on a first date, she's probably thinking you are way too deeep for what she is looking for right now.
I understand that it's important to you to put your cards on the table up front. And I'm also guessing that you talk about your ongoing problems in getting justice. To someone who has recently met you, it might sound like this issue dominates your life- not that you are dealing with it in a positive way. In a first date, you are just getting to know a person and see if there is a possibility of more interest- not signing up for a big commitment and a lot of ongoing stress.
Maybe this has come up with your counselors, and maybe it hasn't. You don't need to pour out your life story on the first date- just have fun and enjoy the person for who thay are. And let your heartache go for a little while. It will unfortunately still be there when your date is over.
Best of luck to you.