Life changing events and the reactions to them..


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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #11  September 1,2009, 8:24am
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There is no rule about making a hasty retreat. We can't make people be what we want, no matter how much Optimism we throw into the mix.

I don't know what your interactions are with the women you meet, but the one thing I do know is that sometimes people just don't know what to say.

Grief is difficult to relate to. We've probably all lost friends and acquaintances at one time or another. But it is an entirely different thing to lose someone we love!

I think as people we want to make things better. And grief for a loved one is not something that goes away with a few kind words here and there. We feel inadequate to deal with it, no matter how much we want to help that person. So we simply withdraw, rather than face being unable to fix it.

That is how I see it. My husband died not quite a year ago, and that is what I've come to believe. People mean well. You just have to forgive them.

The one thing I will add is that the first time I laughed after his death is when I realized that in the end, I will get through this OK. I see by your song you probably feel the same.

I am very sorry for your loss.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #12  September 1,2009, 8:25am
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I'm sorry about what happened.

There's no such unwritten rule. Can't see why it should stop a woman from wanting a relationship and it's understandable you are puzzled.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #13  September 1,2009, 8:25am
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LizziePooh wrote :
How do you bring it up, Dan?

This seems a bit heavy for the small talk of getting to know a potential suitor. I can see it coming up if it just organically springs from discussions if you have kids or not.

But if it is something that you feel that has to be spoken before you meet, than I can see some women being a bit intimidated by someone sharing something so painful and tragic so early.

While I understand the murder of your child was a life alternating event and probably the most influential thing that has shaped you into who you are today, I would think it might be better to share this when a certain level of intimacy is there.

Parents always talk about their children don't they. If they may have children still at home, family activities with them, ages and all that stuff. How do you "hide" something that is a part of conversation. I would think part of getting to know a person is how they are as a parent.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #14  September 1,2009, 8:32am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
There is no rule about making a hasty retreat. We can't make people be what we want, no matter how much Optimism we throw into the mix.

I don't know what your interactions are with the women you meet, but the one thing I do know is that sometimes people just don't know what to say.

Grief is difficult to relate to. We've probably all lost friends and acquaintances at one time or another. But it is an entirely different thing to lose someone we love!

I think as people we want to make things better. And grief for a loved one is not something that goes away with a few kind words here and there. We feel inadequate to deal with it, no matter how much we want to help that person. So we simply withdraw, rather than face being unable to fix it.

That is how I see it. My husband died not quite a year ago, and that is what I've come to believe. People mean well. You just have to forgive them.

The one thing I will add is that the first time I laughed after his death is when I realized that in the end, I will get through this OK. I see by your song you probably feel the same.

I am very sorry for your loss.


Thank you. I am not looking for sympathy or any of that. No one is ever expected to "walk on eggshells" around me, or be carefull what they say. Way beyond all that. Forgiving is part of this mess and I do lots and lots of that. Question is how to get people to see where this event lays in regards to how I am as a person, and a parent.
 
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lada2 is offline lada2 Post #15  September 1,2009, 9:25am
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shee. advice. this whole place full of advice. It is even in the name. And almost all offerred sincerely, with the hope that maybe someone has some insight that would help. Which would be lovely.
If I have read this correctly, you are rightfully tormented with the could have, what if nightmares.
Cognitive behavioural therapy, which is a series of discussions with a trained therapist, has been shown to have some benefits in helping people grasp the enormity of their loss and advance to a place of peace. It is a slow, sometimes painful and often expensive process. Much like eHarmony. And there is a world of difference in outcome between practitioners. feel free to pm me if you wish any specifics.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #16  September 1,2009, 9:51am
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lada2 wrote :
shee. advice. this whole place full of advice. It is even in the name. And almost all offerred sincerely, with the hope that maybe someone has some insight that would help. Which would be lovely.
If I have read this correctly, you are rightfully tormented with the could have, what if nightmares.
Cognitive behavioural therapy, which is a series of discussions with a trained therapist, has been shown to have some benefits in helping people grasp the enormity of their loss and advance to a place of peace. It is a slow, sometimes painful and often expensive process. Much like eHarmony. And there is a world of difference in outcome between practitioners. feel free to pm me if you wish any specifics.

I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions here.

Now it is disclaimer time once again. Anything written here is not in any way intended to anger or offend anyone of either gender.

Ok, now let me give you a readers digest version of "where" I am with this situation in reference to my current mental processing capacity. There are any number of support groups and various types of counselors who "specialize" in the treatment of people with this type of loss. I respect them and admire those who try to help.

My experience has been mostly positive and helped me move along in many aspects of this event. I have also been a very active member of a couple of support groups who focus specifically on this type of loss.

One is POMC, parents of murdered children. There are chapters all over the country. Spent considerable time helping many others who were "new" to get their compass pointing in a positive direction.

My education includes an A S degree in criminal justice, as well as many other things related to law enforcement. There are any number of "tools" for lack of a better word I use every day to keep my positive attitude in forward motion. Still there is this continuing problem with people who simply scatter at the very mention of this tragedy.

Any suggestions??
 
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TinkerKat is offline TinkerKat Post #17  September 1,2009, 10:14am
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Dan, first let me say that as a parent, my heart does go out to you for the loss of your son in such a tragic way.

I also co-worker who lost a child in a similar way. I met her and her husband several years after they lost their daughter, and from what I could tell, they lived a 'normal' life. They never hid the fact that they lost their daughter in a homicide and were still following the court case. And the father, who was a professor, began teaching classes in dealing with such a loss.

It sounds to be me like you have dealt with such a tragic event in the most positive way possible. If the women that you are meeting can't handle this, then they probably aren't right for you. I, for one, wouldn't be consider this a deal-breaker when meeting someone.

We've all had tragic events in our lives in varying degrees. It's how we handle the outcome and move on with our life, that makes the difference. My best to you.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #18  September 1,2009, 10:14am
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Laughingdaily wrote :
I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions here.

Now it is disclaimer time once again. Anything written here is not in any way intended to anger or offend anyone of either gender.

Ok, now let me give you a readers digest version of "where" I am with this situation in reference to my current mental processing capacity. There are any number of support groups and various types of counselors who "specialize" in the treatment of people with this type of loss. I respect them and admire those who try to help.

My experience has been mostly positive and helped me move along in many aspects of this event. I have also been a very active member of a couple of support groups who focus specifically on this type of loss.

One is POMC, parents of murdered children. There are chapters all over the country. Spent considerable time helping many others who were "new" to get their compass pointing in a positive direction.

My education includes an A S degree in criminal justice, as well as many other things related to law enforcement. There are any number of "tools" for lack of a better word I use every day to keep my positive attitude in forward motion. Still there is this continuing problem with people who simply scatter at the very mention of this tragedy.

Any suggestions??
My condolences to you...I have a child and I can't even imagine what you go through.
You know what I think?

I think you're doing OK...it's the world that has a problem with what happened.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things.
if they scram when you get to the point where you decided to mention this(and I have to assume you know yourself well enough to bring it up at a correct time) then that's their problem, not yours.
They didn't have the compassion or enough interest, to understand you as a person.
They may be judging you as a parent...who knows.
But I think you just can't change what some people choose to think, all by themselves.
You can only change you. And it sounds like you've been doing all the right things, so far.
Kudos to you, and God bless.
Last edited by TheThinker; September 1,2009 at 10:17am.
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #19  September 1,2009, 10:21am
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TinkerKat wrote :
Dan, first let me say that as a parent, my heart does go out to you for the loss of your son in such a tragic way.

I also co-worker who lost a child in a similar way. I met her and her husband several years after they lost their daughter, and from what I could tell, they lived a 'normal' life. They never hid the fact that they lost their daughter in a homicide and were still following the court case. And the father, who was a professor, began teaching classes in dealing with such a loss.

It sounds to be me like you have dealt with such a tragic event in the most positive way possible. If the women that you are meeting can't handle this, then they probably aren't right for you. I, for one, wouldn't be consider this a deal-breaker when meeting someone.

We've all had tragic events in our lives in varying degrees. It's how we handle the outcome and move on with our life, that makes the difference. My best to you.


Thank you for your comments. This is what I am trying to figure out here. You see this being dealt with in a positive way. Just think how many other ways this type of event is handled by others!!

If a woman took just a small amount of time to see where I am and how I choose to deal with this they would surely see that this is not an "issue" for me and should not be for them either. I am honest and this is part of me and who I am. Full disclosure is part of the program.
 
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DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #20  September 1,2009, 10:32am
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Hi laughing,

As a woman, I would not automatically cross you off my list because of your tragedy. Not at all. I would be very open to getting to know you and who you are TODAY.

I would only back away if I felt you had not/could not move on or had severe mental instability and was not getting help for it.

I personally don't believe in "disqualifying" someone just because of something in their past.... especially that long ago. It's who they are NOW that matters, and it sounds like you have dealt with the situation in a very good way.

Good luck to you! :-)
 
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