kryswriter is offline kryswriter Post #1  September 1,2009, 5:11am
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I have been seeing a guy for 2.5 months and in general it has been great-- lots of great dates, conversations, laughing, flirting... we click and would make a great couple. I had met him and become friends with him before he actually asked me out and asked me what I was looking for& wanted out of a relationship. He is used to easy women & having sex on the 1st or 2nd date, and I am not like that. He says he likes that about me and wants that and wants to be serious and fall in love and has grown to really appreciate and value me. So why does he then keep saying things to the contrary? He says he sees a relationship with me, but he will also say he isn't ready for a serious relationship because of his ex girlfriend (whom he broke up with over a year ago). Since the ex, he has had casual relationships with female "friends" who know not to be serious or don't want to be serious themselves. these are his friends-- the women he talks about constantly and then tries to tell me they are only friends. When I tell him this information bothers me and turns me off, he says to take it all with a grain of salt and he is joking and he is much more interested in me, blah blah blah. So if i drop it and we have a great time and I am hoping he will kiss me at the end of the night, sure enough he will again say something stupid to kill the mood. I should take the hint, huh? I think I already know my answer-- that I am wasting my time with a playboy who says he wants something, but is really still a playboy.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  September 1,2009, 5:45am
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Step back for a moment and look at it this way.

Are you content with being one of the many "friends with benefits" he has? It sounds to me that he is in this phase. The only person who would want to get out of that phase is him. If the answer is yes, you're more than happy to do so, then go for it. But if the answer is no, then you're hoping he will change, which should never be a basis of a relationship. That path will lead to pain and sorrow. Pain leads to anger..hanger leads to hate...oh, sorry....

I'm not saying people don't change. They do. However, they have to do it for themselves. Its a fantasy to believe someone will want to change because of you.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  September 1,2009, 5:54am
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Dafearon wrote :
Step back for a moment and look at it this way.

Are you content with being one of the many "friends with benefits" he has? It sounds to me that he is in this phase. The only person who would want to get out of that phase is him. If the answer is yes, you're more than happy to do so, then go for it. But if the answer is no, then you're hoping he will change, which should never be a basis of a relationship. That path will lead to pain and sorrow. Pain leads to anger..hanger leads to hate...oh, sorry....

I'm not saying people don't change. They do. However, they have to do it for themselves. Its a fantasy to believe someone will want to change because of you.
What you say is true with the exception that they haven't even kissed yet. So how has she become or can become a FWB. This guy (more importantly-her) haven't exchanged any benefits other than spending time with each other. And in 2.5 months, this is the mixed signal she's getting.
But I would say that his SLOW moving of things with you is out of line, to the opposite end of the scale, with his other encounters. He might admire you. He might respect you. He might even have some feelings for you on some emotional level. But man, at some point a guy's going to try and get busy with you.
Maybe YOU have unintentionally made getting intimate with you such a precarious and "sacred" thing that he's just afraid to make a move out of fear of running you off? Maybe YOU should take this to the next level and give him a strong, un-mixed signal!!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  September 1,2009, 6:05am
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wrote :
iends-- the women he talks about constantly and then tries to tell me they are only friends. When I tell him this information bothers me and turns me off, he says to take it all with a grain of salt and he is joking and he is much more interested in me, blah blah blah.
this is one of those behaviors where either you accept it or move on to someone else. he has ignored your request, and i certainly would not say anything else to him about it.

if you are still interested in the guy i would make sure to take it reallllyyy slow. sometimes when these types of guys get very serious about someone that sort of talk will stop on its own.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #5  September 1,2009, 6:09am
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I don't know if mixed signals is really what you are getting.

This guy is making it pretty clear he is looking for another friend with benefits. He'll keep trying until he scores with you. If you are uncomfortable with him and his other friends force him to make a choice. Just be willing to accept it if he makes a choice you don't like...
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #6  September 1,2009, 6:16am
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kryswriter wrote :
.... He is used to easy women & having sex on the 1st or 2nd date, He says ...blah blah blah... So why does he then keep saying things to the contrary?

He says ... he isn't ready for a serious relationship because of insert excuse #357. Since puberty, he has had casual relationships ... these are his ... women he talks about constantly and then tries to tell me they are only friends. When I tell him this information bothers me and turns me off, he says ...blah blah blah.

... I should take the hint, huh? I think I already know my answer-- that I am wasting my time with a playboy who says he wants something, but is really still a playboy.
(fixed that for you)

ding..ding..ding.. we have a winner!
You know what he's been after in every relationship he's had so far, and he does it by making each girl feel like "she's special, she's different from the others."
The only difference is, you're more of a challenge - it makes the game more fun.

You know what he's doing, but you like feeling special, like you're the only woman in the world who can save him and make him see the error of his ways, and "he's just misunderstood"...hmmm, yep I've heard that one before.

If you meet a man who has a habit of stealing jewelry from every woman he meets, and is really good at persuading women to just hand over their jewelry without question, and then he comes to you and asks you to give him your jewelry and you say 'no'...then he begins to declare how special you are, and how he's seen the error of his ways, and he would never treat you like those other women because you're so much better, and smarter, and more virtuous, and since he has sworn solemnly on his mother's grave that he's a different man now (suddenly after all these years he just completely changed his entire character,) won't you just loan him your jewelry for a little while? He promises to take good care of it...would you give it to him?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  September 1,2009, 6:24am
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wrote :
I think I already know my answer-- that I am wasting my time with a playboy who says he wants something, but is really still a playboy.
Yes, you do know the answer.
Yeah...he wants something alright...
 
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Laughingdaily is offline Laughingdaily Post #8  September 1,2009, 7:47am
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Just my opinion here for what it is worth$$$

It seems RED FLAG time is here. There is only ONE REASON he keeps chasing you and you know exactly what that is.

Get away from this clown.!!!!!!!!
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  September 1,2009, 8:11am
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boccabum wrote :
What you say is true with the exception that they haven't even kissed yet. So how has she become or can become a FWB. This guy (more importantly-her) haven't exchanged any benefits other than spending time with each other. And in 2.5 months, this is the mixed signal she's getting.
But I would say that his SLOW moving of things with you is out of line, to the opposite end of the scale, with his other encounters. He might admire you. He might respect you. He might even have some feelings for you on some emotional level. But man, at some point a guy's going to try and get busy with you.
Maybe YOU have unintentionally made getting intimate with you such a precarious and "sacred" thing that he's just afraid to make a move out of fear of running you off? Maybe YOU should take this to the next level and give him a strong, un-mixed signal!!
That is my point. Can she accept that fact that she could become that. If her relationship with this guy progresses to the next level, is it more likely to be a deep caring relationship, or another FWB? His track record says FWB, so I ask her if she can accept that before even deciding to move forward at all.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #10  September 1,2009, 9:49am
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To begin, it is very possible that he is interested in you and perhaps he is afraid though of being hurt again. There are plenty of guys that engage in strictly sexual relationships so that they have no emotional attachment and thus do not good hurt. Some women are happy with these kind of relationships because they too are not looking for emotional attachment. So perhaps he really is interested in you and really does enjoy your company; however, he would find it easier if you stopped seeing him or if he could engage in a strictly sexual relationship with you.

Perhaps him bringing up these other women is rather an attempt by his sub-conscious mind to make you make you jealous so you ultimately leave him and he can get back to his comfort zone of sleeping around.

So perhaps you just have to decide if either way it is worth any heart break for you. Perhaps you need to have a serious discussion with him. Perhaps he really is just a playboy and you should move on.
 
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