Race and Size - The deciding factor?


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LateBloomr is offline LateBloomr Post #1  August 31,2009, 7:03pm
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I've been unsuccessful on dating sites. Eharmony is proving to be no different. I show my photo on a match by match basis and then when I'm nudged, the match eagerly closes after seeing my photo, too cowardly to state the reason. Because it was obvious they liked what was written. The only difference is now there's a picture to go with it.

Where is the hope for full figured ladies of color? It is nearly impossible to meet someone online. I've seen several full-figured white women get married from the site.

I've sent my profile to several friends for review. They say it's fine. I also have a slimmer friend who is a woman of color. She's having no luck on match.

This is proving to be very disheartening and a waste of good money.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #2  August 31,2009, 7:27pm
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LateBloomr,

I'm not trying to invalidate your experience, because I'm sure those are deciding factors for some men - but every factor is a deciding factor for someone. For what it's worth, I've been on about 4 different sites on and off for about 2 years, and I've never had a date, and I'm white, tall, thin, and considered very attractive.

I'm also 49, not blonde, in a lower income bracket, I don't drink alcohol, and I live in a very small town more than an hour's drive from the city.

Yes, I've been asked from time to time, but not nearly as much as you'd think, and by mostly the least compatible, bottom of the barrel kind of guys you can imagine, or those who are young enough to be my children.

It is frustrating and sometimes disheartening, but I think it is that way for far more women of every race, size, and background than you might imagine.

Personally, if I'm going to keep trying the online thing at all, I'll probably limit it to E-Harmony and only during deep discount times, but I've decided that I need to focus the majority of my energy and effort on spending more time in offline places where I'm likely to meet men with common interests and backgrounds.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.
 
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sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #3  August 31,2009, 8:24pm
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I tiptoed into this thread. By the title, I so thought it was going to be about something else.

Pardon me.

Carry on.
 
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tom1385 is offline tom1385 Post #4  August 31,2009, 8:26pm
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Everyone has different tastes.

There are a lot of people who don't even read profiles, because most are pretty much the same.

Everyone is thankful for:
Family, friends, education, god, pets, etc. It isn't like anyone hates their family or friends or they'd just be enemies.

Pretty much everyone has similar hobbies:
Music, Travel, Television, Books, blah blah.

So what differentiates you at first sight? Your image.

This is the real world, and you'll just have to find someone who appreciates you for yourself.

Me, I'm shallow, I close all the matches I don't find attractive. If I find them attractive, I'll try to get to know them better.

It is better than getting to know them then breaking it off because they aren't physically attractive to me. At least I'm honest about it.

Of course like my other 47 posts, I just complain about the inactive and "fake" profiles that eHarmony have on their site and not finding any real people to talk to.
Last edited by tom1385; August 31,2009 at 8:28pm.
 
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BLESS77 is offline BLESS77 Post #5  August 31,2009, 8:32pm
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Hmm, I am a little confused as to why you don't have your pic up if you have one? Only paying matches are able to see it anyway. I ask this (as gently as possible) because perhaps you shine so bright in your written profile that the guy has formed his own picture of you in his head and the picture you present him with does not match what he imagined. Even though it's totally not your fault, he thinks you deceived him.

As far as the experiences that you have, are you open to dating men outside our race? I ask because that may open up a bigger pool of men who may be more appreciative. I'm not a small woman by any means and to top it off, my hair is worn natural. In a couple of pics I have my afro for all to see. But even with those things, I have had a few guys communicate with me...all who initiated contact themselves and so far only one of them is Black. So I understand where you're coming from. My suggestion would be to keep your head up, make sure your pics are good pics (and post them without being asked or nudged) and that you are displaying that winning personality in your pics that you're obviously displaying on the written profile.

ETA: An important thing to keep in mind is that you can not compare one's experience to the next on eH. It isn't a one size fits all (sorry for the pun) type of thing. If you only focus on what someone else has been able to do here you will drive yourself crazy. Results on eH definitely vary. The hope for us is that each of our experiences will be totally unique and will most assuredly be a learning experience no matter what.
Last edited by BLESS77; August 31,2009 at 8:41pm.
 
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sheera007 is offline sheera007 Post #6  August 31,2009, 8:34pm
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Work_in_Progress wrote :
Yes, I've been asked from time to time, but not nearly as much as you'd think, and by mostly the least compatible, bottom of the barrel kind of guys you can imagine, or those who are young enough to be my children.

Work_in_Progress,
It is clear that you mean well. But seriously... I don't see how comments such as this (as well-intended as they may be) even begin to empathize or compare to LateBloomr's frustration, concerns or her situation as described.



But then, maybe its just me.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #7  August 31,2009, 8:39pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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The thing is that online dating is hard for everyone. I personally believe as I've said in many post across this board that physical attractiveness weighs in very heavily in online dating and moreso than in traditional dating, where personality and other characterists are allowed to shine first.

I don't know how the numbers add up, but I would be willing to bet there are more "non success" stories than success stories. It's a search. It's like finding a four-leaf clover. You must dig through the meadow for that one perfect shamrock.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #8  August 31,2009, 8:55pm
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Hiding your pictures is never a good thing.

No matter what your intent is, the message you convey is that you're not confident enough in your appearance to share your pictures up front.

So instead of concluding that your matches are "eager to close" and "cowardly", turn the mirror on yourself, as it were.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #9  August 31,2009, 9:01pm
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sheera007 wrote :
Work_in_Progress,
It is clear that you mean well. But seriously... I don't see how comments such as this (as well-intended as they may be) even begin to empathize or compare to LateBloomr's frustration, concerns or her situation as described.



But then, maybe its just me.
Well, hopefully LateBloomr understood that I was pointing out that while she may think race and/or size are the deciding factors, that those of other races and/or sizes, and even those who may be imagined to have the greatest success aren't necessarily, and that all of us are ruled out for different reasons - there is no one set of factors that ensure success or failure at this.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #10  August 31,2009, 9:11pm
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If a guy closes on you after seeing your photo it's hard not to take that as a real kick in the teeth. Your ethnicity and size is stated in your profile yes? So if he has a single functioning neuron then he should have some idea of what to expect in that picture.
That said though there are a lot of guys who don't actually read profiles, they click on a ton of them, maybe check one or two points like age and location and then fire off a message in the hope that at least a percentage will reply, sometimes getting confused about which person they are talking to is which.
Ok that may sound silly but i've seen it happen. Even so it's still not nice to just do a runner when the pic comes in, if he's not attracted then it's not like pulling teeth to say "Sorry, i'm not attracted" instead of leaving you high and dry and assuming the worst.

Have you tried BBW parties? A friend of mine who is Jamaican herself runs a website for the BBW community over here, she throws regular parties in a couple of cities, about half the women there are Afro Caribbean and they never seem to have any problems finding guys who are interested, and of course since they are face to face then they know if the guys are really interested right from the start.
 
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