Dating men that you don't want but someone else does


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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #1  August 31,2009, 9:26am
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is happy.

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I know that the title isn't very clear but I hope with a few more sentences I can make it clearer. I have dated now some more but find that after a bit, often one or two dates I just see something that is a deal breaker. It may not even be that the person and I are not compatible, although that happens too.

For example, if I find out a guy has cheated on a wife and especially if he has cheated on multiple wives or girlfriends that is the end of that in my mind. Its not going anywhere even if I keep on seeing him a few more times. If I find out a person is really in debt and is not doing anything to even try and bail out, and I don't mean unavoidable debt like medical stuff that can't be avoided, that is a deal breaker. If the guy is a liar, deal breaker. Not in contact or in limited contact with his children because he moved, "his wife makes it difficult" or whatever, not interested. I am very family oriented. Oh if the guy is nasty to the waitress, salesperson etc, I'm out.

Am I looking for perfection here or is this reasonable? I have been a bad picker in the past and although I dated many nice guys tended to ditch them for the ones that needed mommying. Read that as , they really needed to be raised over again! LOL.

Anyway, inevitably these guys move on, seemingly immediately find someone else and are blissfully happy with a nice woman that doesnt seem to give a rats ca-toushy about this stuff.

Then I am jealous, not because I want them but because it is not as easy for me.

Input please!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  August 31,2009, 9:30am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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mylifesabeach wrote :
Anyway, inevitably these guys move on, seemingly immediately find someone else and are blissfully happy with a nice woman that doesnt seem to give a rats ca-toushy about this stuff.

Then I am jealous, not because I want them but because it is not as easy for me.

Input please!
Is she really though? Or if so, for how long?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  August 31,2009, 10:01am
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I think you are having a bit of a grass is greener syndrome going on. The dealbreakers that you've listed are certainly valid and actually good to pay attention to. I do think that you are making a presumption that she is really nice or that they are blissfully happy. Everyone is great at putting up a front. You really don't know what's behind that. You don't know if she is really happy or if she is dating this guy and making it work out of whatever personal necessity and no, she is not happy at all but makes believe that she is. The thing is that you have no idea what's really going on with her an their relationship.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #4  August 31,2009, 10:02am
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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They seem to move on to blissful happiness, but it's possible that these women aren't asking the right questions to get the answers and information you were able to attain so quickly. Or it could be that these men saw where being forthcoming got them, so perhaps they aren't revealing as much information as early on anymore. Of course you could be right; these women may not care. That doesn't mean you are seeking perfection, however; it seems to me that you have morals and convictions and that you expect the man you are with to be the same way in that regard. There's nothing wrong with that!
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #5  August 31,2009, 10:05am
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The deal breakers you mentioned sounded pretty reasonable to me.
Now expand on this and think of some superficial things you might use to disqualify men before you even get to know them. Then meet some of these guys and you might be pleasantly surprised.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #6  August 31,2009, 10:13am
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1stly, I had a look at your profile and noted you don't read as much now because of "time costraints." That's seems like "oh, I take shorter breaths because I'm runnung too much." Really, you make the time you want. Sit down with a coffee and read "that book!"

2ndly, Arrh, jeolousy? Interesting emotion. I know what it feels like.But I can never waste it on a mere wife/partner. Childen; Yes! Look, we don't own other people. We can't bend them to our will. And shouldn't try. So I'd encurge you to dealve deep inside yourself and work through this jeolousy thing.

3rdly. Too picking; maybe? But being I feel being in a "bad relationship" is heaps worse that than not. I'd like to be with smeone because I'd like to be with smeone. Not because "I must be with anyone." Goosh, you're looking at spending time, being close, hopfully sharing a bed, life goals, and you wonder if you're being too picky?

4thly Humm, all the issues you raised would be more than enough for me to Pass! Eg, when i scan profiles, I skip anyone who mentions; money, religion, not having children, smoking, lives more than 30km away, wanting to be "comfortable," list what they don't want and/or previous partner's folibles in profile (I bet the previous partner would have an intersting perspective on that) hasn't read a book of late (see I'd pass on you on that alone) likes going to horse races, gambling of any kind, "conservative" (well not completly - I'm facinated with talking with conservative woman. But would never have a relationship with one) doesn't mention food, doesn't exercise, owns a SUV. And has a scant and/or dull profile. I want FUNNY!

Oh, I suss out if they take public transport - if not they get crossed out. I could go on. Some of my own "criteria" are the hight of pettiness. But they are mine. Just like yours are yours.

Unattractive in photo. I guess they may be unattractive anyway. But how hard is it to put a more flattering pic!

Finally, I try to put make my own profile as "off putting" as possible so as to self -select out" the duds. And there are many of those on EH. You can't be TOO picky.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #7  August 31,2009, 11:23am
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Why does it matter? You ditched the guys for reasons that you found were valid. For whatever reason the women that they are with not are at least (hopefully) happy with the guy if they are choosing to be with the guy.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, you have set your standards, chosen your deal breakers, and that is how you choose to live your life. You shouldn't settle for less than you desire simply because others don't have the same set of ideals as you.
 
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