Is there a point that you settle?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #31  August 31,2009, 5:13pm
Ephemera's Avatar

is watching the little sleeping mousies.

Enthusiast

Joined: Aug 2009

East Coast

Posts: 906

See profile

If you want a baby or babies then have them. All you need is a condomless encounter or two with someone not repugnant to you, and there you go. If you think marrying someone guarentees that your baby will have a full time, live-in father, you are so mistaken. Most marriages end long before the baby hits eighteen. And it's far less than proven that couples who have stayed together 'for the sake of the children' have done those children any huge favor. You can waste all your eggs if you want and remain childless and regret it always or you can have a baby - totally up to you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Psycue is offline Psycue Post #32  August 31,2009, 9:38pm
Psycue's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

Atlanta, GA

Posts: 117

See profile

boccabum wrote :
As a man, my answer might sound insensitive but...
Maybe if your goal isn't to have a relationship/wife/mother goal? Rather, have a goal of a happy, productive life. The ones that "settle" do so out of desperation. Mostly because they feel like they're running out of time. Rather than defining yourself by your marital or parental status, define it other ways. Then the pressure to settle will be removed.
Just a thought.
I don't see your comment as insensitive. I feel like I have been living a happy and productive life so far in that the goals I have set for myself have either been reached or a work in progress. I have fun and considerate an optimist by the people that know me; however, this relationship stuff is so trying. A relationship isn't just dependent one person, unfortunately. Its seems to be the mystery of being at the right place at the right time to meet someone who is going to like and eventually love you at the same time you are liking that person.
For women who wants children in a marriage, in her 30's, has to decide what are they going to do after a certain point. Do I have a child outta wedlock or not? This is not a question a man at any age HAS to ask themselves. They may want a child at a certain age but they don't have a stopping point.
 
  Reply With Quote
Psycue is offline Psycue Post #33  August 31,2009, 9:43pm
Psycue's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

Atlanta, GA

Posts: 117

See profile

trixie1868 wrote :
Hey Psycue,

Ignore my last post. Not the bit about Brian's voice, I stand by that but the rest was nonsense. You ask a valid eggs / time race / relationship question and I gave you nothing worth reading.

I have friends who "settled", in that they knew they wanted to be wives and mothers more than any other role life has to offer and they settled down with men they'd had to make compromises for. Who knows maybe the husbands did the same cost/benefit analysis? What I do know is that they're happy. All happy enough with their lot.

I'm not maternal. I've always enjoyed the role of partner the most (although being a sister is pretty cool). So I've compromised on the not having babies because I can't compromise on the person. I've settled for childlessness in effect.

You just have to know what you want the most. Is that more helpful? I brushed my teeth thinking about it and had to log my computer back on so I hope it is.
Thanks Trixie,
You have a very sincere post there...and it was very helpful.
 
  Reply With Quote
Psycue is offline Psycue Post #34  August 31,2009, 10:06pm
Psycue's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

Atlanta, GA

Posts: 117

See profile

shoopthedoop wrote :
This is the best article I've read on the concept of settling. Marry Him! - The Atlantic (March 2008)

You can never end up with the perfect person. This quote sums up the dilemma pretty well.
That was an EXCELLENT article and a perfect example of what I am talking about. I have considered a 'sperm donor'. Even thought out my approach. I would have a legal contract that would relieve him of paying child support and other parental responsibilities in exchange for sperm. I feel like I would want to know the person before having his child so, a sperm bank is out.
Honestly, I was going to try having a baby one time and the guy wanted to be involved in the raising of the child because it would have been his first. Didn't work out because he felt I should move because his job was relocating and he did not want to be too far away from his child. Really? We couldn't reach a compromise so it didn't happen.
 
  Reply With Quote
winn is offline winn Post #35  August 31,2009, 10:14pm

Please tell me where I can find a normal man???

Unregistered

Joined: Jan 2009

Chilliwack, BC, Canada

Posts: 4,772

See profile

boccabum wrote :
OK..but I give you permission to steal some Huggies from Circle K while yodel music plays in the background.
and don't forget the black stocking over your head.....but not over your face, you have to make sure they can recognize you.
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #36  September 1,2009, 6:44am
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

Psycue wrote :
That was an EXCELLENT article and a perfect example of what I am talking about. I have considered a 'sperm donor'. Even thought out my approach. I would have a legal contract that would relieve him of paying child support and other parental responsibilities in exchange for sperm. I feel like I would want to know the person before having his child so, a sperm bank is out.
Honestly, I was going to try having a baby one time and the guy wanted to be involved in the raising of the child because it would have been his first. Didn't work out because he felt I should move because his job was relocating and he did not want to be too far away from his child. Really? We couldn't reach a compromise so it didn't happen.
Your last few posts sounds like you want a child more than a relationship. I don't know if that's true, but that's what it sounds like.
Regardless. As a parent (divorced) I can tell you that the most well-adjusted kids are those with both parents in their lives married to each other. It's in your right to have kids and I can't tell you not to, but I think if your desire to have kids is greater than the need to give them the highest possible chance of happiness, then you would be having them for the wrong reasons. And since the human population is at no threat to decline, that reason would be for your self interests and not a child's.
I didn't post this to offend, just to put a non-emotional, non-biological "clock" type of spin on this conversation.
 
  Reply With Quote
Psycue is offline Psycue Post #37  September 1,2009, 4:56pm
Psycue's Avatar

hopes for better weather.

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2009

Atlanta, GA

Posts: 117

See profile

boccabum wrote :
Your last few posts sounds like you want a child more than a relationship. I don't know if that's true, but that's what it sounds like.
Regardless. As a parent (divorced) I can tell you that the most well-adjusted kids are those with both parents in their lives married to each other. It's in your right to have kids and I can't tell you not to, but I think if your desire to have kids is greater than the need to give them the highest possible chance of happiness, then you would be having them for the wrong reasons. And since the human population is at no threat to decline, that reason would be for your self interests and not a child's.
I didn't post this to offend, just to put a non-emotional, non-biological "clock" type of spin on this conversation.
Yes, I would love to have a child and it is equal to my desire to have a productive relationship. The two have been Siamese twins for years; however, one could expire before the other is fulfilled.
I was engaged to be married in my 20's and we went to counseling before getting married and a counselor asked us a series of though provoking questions that my fiancee and I really could not come to a compromise on. After some time, I suggested we postpone the wedding and decide if we were doing the right thing. He said that those questions were meant for us to think on not make life changing decisions and he wanted to continue has planned. Needless to say, I did not marry him. I use to think that I should have gone ahead and married because for the most part we were okay. Today, I know I made the right decision because he is on his third marriage, still trying to get it right.
Since then, I have had relationships that were much better because I do not enter into a relationship without asking those thought provoking questions and we were on the same or similar pages... I say all that to say, I believe I can have a happy and productive relationship eventually but 'eventually' having a child when that happens is suspect.
And the key phrase is 'most well-adjusted child'. I also believe that giving the love and support of a supportive family (extended family included) will product a well-adjusted child. I am one and I can assume that your child(ren) will be too because you understand the need for active parent/ family in a child's life.
Lastly, it is all my self-interest, but isn't everything like that? The only thing we have to do in life is die. The way we live is totally about the choices we make.
 
  Reply With Quote
dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #38  September 2,2009, 1:09am
dietpepsi's Avatar

is happy.

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 295

See profile

Someone very close to me did "settle" -- and in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Years ago Beauty was dating these dashing stud muffins that look great on paper ... but was chasing the relationship's potential because they were too young and valiant to settle down.

So Beauty went through the trials and tribulations and self-discovery process (much like these forums), and met the Beast who has a solid career and is now a great father and husband.

Long live Beauty and the Beast.
 
  Reply With Quote
DeBrown is offline DeBrown Post #39  September 2,2009, 1:56am
DeBrown's Avatar

To be Irish is to know that in the end, the world will break your heart.

Quick Study

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 169

See profile

These have been very interesting posts! It is true that we make a series of "settling" decisions all our adult lives, but I still believe that dreams can come true.

I dropped out of college 30 years ago to get married and have babies. I "traded" or "settled" for wifery and motherhood over education.

Now I am single and all my kids are grown up and on their own. And I have gone back to college. I just finished my BA and I am starting graduate school to get a doctorate in anthropology, something I have always wanted to do.

I feel somewhat "lucky" in my position as far as dating goes right now. I'm well past motherhood (49) so I have no clock. I'm not wealthy, but I am supporting myself financially, so I don't have to "settle" out of a need to be financially secure. I'm very independent, and I have a lot of friends, so I don't need to "settle" for a man for the sake of having someone around to go out with.

So I have my standards set as to what I will accept in a potential match. I am realistic-- I realize George Clooney is not going to materialize and whisk me off-- but I don't feel that I have to "settle" much for a man, because the alternative is staying single, and I am perfectly fine with that, because I have a great life. There would have to be a really impressive benefit to changing my life as I have it now. :-)

Having said that, I am pretty disappointed with my matches so far. I'm a bit disgruntled with eH and their matching system. So if nothing great happens in the next couple of months, I'm not going to renew.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #40  September 2,2009, 5:40am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

Psycue wrote :
I was engaged to be married in my 20's and we went to counseling before getting married and a counselor asked us a series of though provoking questions that my fiancee and I really could not come to a compromise on.
Care to share what those questions/issues were?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« dumped via email | Dating | How's that workin' out for ya? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Are women that don't settle, settling for nothing? singleman4803 Dating 68 September 14,2009 9:29pm
Settle or just accept lonliness? jaydub114 Relationships 30 August 31,2009 10:58pm
What does it mean to settle? waltercl Dating 26 August 13,2009 3:16pm
Is there a point when you know that you are really ready?? allowishiss Relationships 13 June 21,2009 9:21am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:50am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0