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saulgoode saulgoode is offline
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singleman4803 wrote :
Or maybe stop looking at relationships as being so serious and goal-oriented. And just look at them for what they are, interactions with other people.
That's profound, actually. I'd settle for a woman who doesn't burn my couch when she gets mad.

And nobody -- NOBODY -- has defined "settling."

Let me define it:
-> Healthy relationship: non-abusive
-> Loyal relationship: no adultry
-> Partner is present and involved in the relationship: no abandonment
-> Partner is physically and emotionally healthy: no negative addictions

So, we have defined "settling" as being in an otherwise good relationship. If the person violates any of these things, then it's not settling to stay with them.

The only things left for setting are the good things.

You settle for:
-> Less sex
-> Too much sex
-> Too little money
-> Lower looks than you'd prefer
-> Over/Under achiever
-> Over/Under active lifestyle
-> etc.

And now, I ask the settler, are your expectations aligned with reality? You say you want to travel the world, but you settled for a mechanic who barely makes rent.

He's a good man, but he doesn't make enough money to fly off to France every Spring, for some shopping.

Can you pull a man like that?

And guys, you settled for a fat girl? Really. Do you honestly think you can get a better-looking woman?

The question should not be "Should you settle?"

The question should be, "Are you living in reality?"

Too many people who claim they are settling, are delusional lunatics who think they can pull a different league of partner, when in reality they're right where they have aligned themselves financially, physically, emotionally, and geographifically.


- Saul
- August 31st, 2009, 04:24 pm
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CRKid321 CRKid321 is offline
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saulgoode wrote :
That's profound, actually. I'd settle for a woman who doesn't burn my couch when she gets mad.

And nobody -- NOBODY -- has defined "settling."

Let me define it:
-> Healthy relationship: non-abusive
-> Loyal relationship: no adultry
-> Partner is present and involved in the relationship: no abandonment
-> Partner is physically and emotionally healthy: no negative addictions

So, we have defined "settling" as being in an otherwise good relationship. If the person violates any of these things, then it's not settling to stay with them.

The only things left for setting are the good things.

You settle for:
-> Less sex
-> Too much sex
-> Too little money
-> Lower looks than you'd prefer
-> Over/Under achiever
-> Over/Under active lifestyle
-> etc.

And now, I ask the settler, are your expectations aligned with reality? You say you want to travel the world, but you settled for a mechanic who barely makes rent.

He's a good man, but he doesn't make enough money to fly off to France every Spring, for some shopping.

Can you pull a man like that?

And guys, you settled for a fat girl? Really. Do you honestly think you can get a better-looking woman?

The question should not be "Should you settle?"

The question should be, "Are you living in reality?"

Too many people who claim they are settling, are delusional lunatics who think they can pull a different league of partner, when in reality they're right where they have aligned themselves financially, physically, emotionally, and geographifically.


- Saul
That was probably one of, if not the most, insightful post that I have seen on these boards. Thank you Saul for sharing that with us, it definitely was a good read and taught me a few things

I agreed with everything you said and especially "when in reality they're right where they have aligned themselves financially, physically, emotionally, and geographically."
- August 31st, 2009, 04:34 pm
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MCMLXXII MCMLXXII is offline
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saulgoode wrote :
That's profound, actually. I'd settle for a woman who doesn't burn my couch when she gets mad.

And nobody -- NOBODY -- has defined "settling."
Putting the thread title aside, the OP asks, "...at what point do you start chipping away at your Must Have list?"

As a woman, if your goal is to be a wife and mother and if you're in your mid to late thirties, you begin to re-evaluate this "list."

Biological clocks are real. If your intent is to be a mother, women aren't afforded the luxury of waiting until they're 45 years old to have a biological child.

I'm 37. I want to be a mother. I'm re-evaluating. Tick-tock.
Last edited by MCMLXXII; August 31st, 2009 at 05:04 pm. Reason: typo...grunt.
- August 31st, 2009, 04:58 pm
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dietpepsi dietpepsi is offline
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When you realize that your special someone will become your average family member, and you look around your family and your first response is like "hmmm.... not impressed" ... then you settle for someone more realistic and attainable, just like your family.
Last edited by dietpepsi; August 31st, 2009 at 05:04 pm.
- August 31st, 2009, 05:00 pm
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tom1385 tom1385 is offline
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CRKid321 wrote :
Btw Tom, how does the general maturity level in woman change from highschool to college? It seems to me that a lot more woman would have their heads on their shoulders around that time and know what they want, but hell we are still very young at that age and 95% of people still just want to have fun at that time.

Who knows Tom, maybe you'll find that someone who is ready to settle at this age and someone who'd you definitely want to settle with
Hmm, there are so many different girls in college.

Of course there are the party girls that just love to be with as many guys... if you have facebook/myspace, they'll probably be the ones with 500+ friends and flirting with every guy on the wall.

There are the studious girls... they are probably good if you want a long term relationship. Of course some of these girls grew up with their dad shooting any guy that came near their house. With her first scent of freedom, she'll probably turn into a party girl.

Otherwise, if they don't really party, they'll always put studying ahead, and they tend not to go out a lot. Try hitting on these girls early in freshman year. Take really fun (and easy) classes where the ratio of female:males are high, like dance or women studies or something. If you were like me or my friends, a biochem major (chemistry) or engineering - it will be a total sausage fest for your time in college.

If you want a really nice girl, I'd try an international student, they are usually raised to be very polite , plus they'll always need someone to help them with their English . But they like to party and have fun too, so be ready to take them to clubs and stuff or you risk being boring!

Then there are the perfect wonderful girls that every guy wants to be with and will make a great significant other. Sorry out of luck, she was taken during freshman orientation, and the guy isn't dumb enough to let her go. Well maybe you'll get lucky here .

Actually, if you take the time to volunteer in your community, there are a lot of girls that volunteer as well - much more than guys. I meet a lot of them - and they are typically nice, although I'm not physically attracted to any.

So, I guess I'm not settling yet, my standards are too high since I'm still relatively young :/. But we can all hope .

I mean, all I'm asking for is someone who has:
- Mutual physical attraction
- Semi-intelligent (I'm not even asking for a girl with a 160+ IQ, just someone who will laugh at my lame jokes or at least call me out on it)
- Doesn't cheat and wants something long term

Of course, 1 and 3 are pretty tough right now to find. Most girls in college are somewhat intelligent at least.
Last edited by tom1385; August 31st, 2009 at 05:18 pm.
- August 31st, 2009, 05:06 pm
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EMTZ EMTZ is offline
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boccabum wrote :
As a man, my answer might sound insensitive but...
Maybe if your goal isn't to have a relationship/wife/mother goal? Rather, have a goal of a happy, productive life.
If only more women think like this...
- August 31st, 2009, 05:08 pm
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saulgoode saulgoode is offline
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MCMLXXII wrote :
Putting the thread title aside, the OP asks, "...at what point do you start chipping away at your Must Have list?"

As a woman, if your goal is to be a wife and mother and if you're in your mid to late thirties, you begin to re-evaluate this "list."

Biological clocks are real. If your intent is to be a mother, women aren't afforded the luxury of waiting until they're 45 years old to have a biological child.

I'm 37. I want to be a mother. I'm re-evaluating. Tick-tock.
In that respect, you begin settling from birth.

Only a few very, very lucky people get every single ever-loving thing they want out of life.

I settled for engineering, when I didn't get into med school, after 5 years of post-grad effort.

I married and had a kid, had a beautiful wife, and then I settled for a divorce when the devil threw his handbasket at me and said, "Boy, get to walking. Head thataway."

I settled for a lesser house than I wanted.

I settled for a shorter, cheaper vacation than I wanted.

I settled for less sleep last night than I wanted. I settled for less lunch, and fewer cups of coffee.

Settle settle settle, always, in everything you do, everywhere you look. Nothing ever goes the way you planned.

Things happen, and you adjust, always, from birth. You adjust, you ~settle~ for what reality throws at you, and you move along.

Clinging to old dreams might be a romantic notion, but it's a deadly practice. Better to swallow a handful of tacks than to keep trying to live a dream that's already gone.

To the OP I say: You settle from birth, always. It's called reality.

Relationships are no exception to this rule. You take what life throws at you. That's all you can do.


- Saul
- August 31st, 2009, 05:12 pm
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trixie1868 trixie1868 is offline
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saulgoode wrote :

This has nothing to do with the OP, of course, but it's pretty darn funny.

- Saul
Saul, when I read your posts I always read them in Brian's voice. In my head obviously, not out loud, that would be weird.

Back to the post. I didn't settle and by now the baby boat has most probably set sail for me. I just couldn't bear the prospect of being with someone I didn't want to be with, and worst case scenario, the marriage limps on and you're stuck with that person long after little jnr has grown up and left home.

Do what makes you happiest as you go along, no one knows what will happen in the future and that way you can look back without beating yourself up. Eggs or no eggs.
- August 31st, 2009, 05:17 pm
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saulgoode saulgoode is offline
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trixie1868 wrote :
Saul, when I read your posts I always read them in Brian's voice. In my head obviously, not out loud, that would be weird.

Back to the post. I didn't settle and by now the baby boat has most probably set sail for me. I just couldn't bear the prospect of being with someone I didn't want to be with, and worst case scenario, the marriage limps on and you're stuck with that person long after little jnr has grown up and left home.

Do what makes you happiest as you go along, no one knows what will happen in the future and that way you can look back without beating yourself up. Eggs or no eggs.
I never thought of that! I should start writing sarcastic Brian quips, and rename myself Brian.

- Brian
- August 31st, 2009, 05:21 pm
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trixie1868 trixie1868 is offline
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Hey Psycue,

Ignore my last post. Not the bit about Brian's voice, I stand by that but the rest was nonsense. You ask a valid eggs / time race / relationship question and I gave you nothing worth reading.

I have friends who "settled", in that they knew they wanted to be wives and mothers more than any other role life has to offer and they settled down with men they'd had to make compromises for. Who knows maybe the husbands did the same cost/benefit analysis? What I do know is that they're happy. All happy enough with their lot.

I'm not maternal. I've always enjoyed the role of partner the most (although being a sister is pretty cool). So I've compromised on the not having babies because I can't compromise on the person. I've settled for childlessness in effect.

You just have to know what you want the most. Is that more helpful? I brushed my teeth thinking about it and had to log my computer back on so I hope it is.
- August 31st, 2009, 05:50 pm
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