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RNJen is offline RNJen Post #1  August 30,2009, 6:33pm
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I am new to the dating pool....just getting my feet wet in the shallow end at the moment

I am a fairly young widow and whenever I tell a man, he instantly gets either really protective or overly sympathetic. While neither of these are bad....they do get in the way of starting any meaningful conversations.

Should I wait to bring it up or continue being up front about it? I got to admit that getting all the offers for car repairs and lawn manintence are nice...

Thanks!
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #2  August 30,2009, 6:37pm
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Hi RN: Admittedly, if a date mentioned that he was a recent widower, I would be sympathetic. Nonetheless, I would only disclose this information if asked.

Are you a new widow?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  August 30,2009, 6:40pm
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I think that it's pretty crappy that members of my gender think so little of the self-sufficient abilities of a woman that they would need offer to repair her car or cut her lawn. Especially one who's husband died.

I'd hold off telling a guy ANY details of your past relationship(s) until you get to know them better. Just because you're a widow doesn't mean they need to know this information about you. If it does, in fact, create an artificial behavior in men you meet then you should wait till you get to know their selves first. Or else, you'll know only a sympathetic side of them.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #4  August 30,2009, 6:46pm
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boccabum wrote :
I think that it's pretty crappy that members of my gender think so little of the self-sufficient abilities of a woman that they would need offer to repair her car or cut her lawn. Especially one who's husband died.
How sad it is that we live in an age where a guy can't offer to do anything helpful, without someone whining about it.

wrote :
I'd hold off telling a guy ANY details of your past relationship(s) until you get to know them better. Just because you're a widow doesn't mean they need to know this information about you..
I disagree again. Being divorced or widowed is too important of a fact to to keep it quiet. Your matches have a right to know.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #5  August 30,2009, 6:51pm
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melman wrote :
I disagree again. Being divorced or widowed is too important of a fact to to keep it quiet. Your matches have a right to know.
Correction: Matches don't have a "right" to know anything. She can share this information if asked (...and she will be asked) but I wouldn't offer it if she typically gets the "sympathy vote."
 
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RNJen is offline RNJen Post #6  August 30,2009, 6:52pm
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MCMLXXII wrote :
Hi RN: Admittedly, if a date mentioned that he was a recent widower, I would be sympathetic. Nonetheless, I would only disclose this information if asked.

Are you a new widow?
New? Kinda....its been 6 mos but we were about to seperate when we found out he had cancer and wasn't going to make it though. I refused to leave him then. But it has been more than 2 years since I felt "married."
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #7  August 30,2009, 6:57pm
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RNJen wrote :
New? Kinda....its been 6 mos but we were about to seperate when we found out he had cancer and wasn't going to make it though. I refused to leave him then. But it has been more than 2 years since I felt "married."
Wow, that's very fresh...it even makes me sad. And it makes me sad because most folks have been touched by a family member with cancer, so it brings all those images and feelings to the surface.

This is tough...but I wish you the very best!

Hugs.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #8  August 30,2009, 6:58pm
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melman wrote :
How sad it is that we live in an age where a guy can't offer to do anything helpful, without someone whining about it.

Who's whining? Not me! You sure can jump to a conclusion, can't you?
Are these guys offering to do something helpful because they truly want to be helpful? Do they feel sorry for her? Or is it the only way they know how manipulate a woman into liking them? Chivalry: the oldest form of sexual manipulation. And presumes that women are weak and incapable of doing anything for themselves.
I help my lady friends. I help my girlfriends. I do things for them for no other reason other than I can and out of friendship. NOT because they have breasts.

I disagree again. Being divorced or widowed is too important of a fact to to keep it quiet. Your matches have a right to know.
Of course! But not on your first conversation. Especially if it changes their behavior! Does she want to get to know these guys as they are? Or does she want to only know what they're like when they feel "sorry" for her?
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #9  August 30,2009, 7:11pm
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I think unless you were asked, there is no reason to discuss it as it really isn't anyones business. Though I certainly understand them being very sympathetic after you do tell them, and the goal is for neither you or them allow the sympathy to get into the way of a potential relationship.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #10  August 30,2009, 7:31pm
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MCMLXXII wrote :
Matches don't have a "right" to know anything.
Well then I guess the profiles ought to be blank, then?

I believe that previous marital status if any, and children if any, must be disclosed up front. These are fundamental facts about one's life, and your match should be able to know them without asking. I've had matches go through the complete eH process (all the way through OC, email, and a first meeting) while hiding the fact that they were divorced. This is just unacceptable to me.
 
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