Are women that don't settle, settling for nothing?


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singleman4803 is offline singleman4803 Post #1  August 28,2009, 11:28pm
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I'd try to be fair to both sexes, but I rarely hear men shout "I refuse to settle!". It seems like it's mostly women that take this stand.

It still doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that everyone settles. Even if you can't find someone that you like, you settle for nothing.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #2  August 29,2009, 4:29am
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Your statement threw me because at first read it seems quite accurate.

But isn't it also a choice? Some choose to stay with someone who is just OK because they don't want to be alone. Some choose to wait until they find the best someone for them. Some just get tired of the whole thing and choose to stay alone.

I think we get wrapped up in the word-of-the-day and try to lump all into that one word rather then get up and look in the dictionary or thesaurus to find something more appropriate.

So many are trying to figure out the meaning of words like dating - relationship - exclusive - partner - independent - settle - choice - happy - lucky - content - obsessive - compulsive - stalker - love - soulmate - porn - reality - fantasy - normal, when we know deep down the definition of any of these belongs to those two in the relationship. What the rest of the universe thinks is of no importance.

This makes me wonder why we are all so eager to proclaim our opinions or give advice or shun behaviors that do not reflect our own beliefs and ideals. Do we really feel like ours solely matter or are we simply looking for validation?

Do you think the internet makes us lonelier?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #3  August 29,2009, 4:44am
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See, that's the thing. EVERYBODY who is in a relationship settles for the other person.

Sure, you'd like to say to say you won't settle and so forth, but realistically, there will be things about your mate that you will be settling on.

And it's fine for people to have standards, but if they can't find interested people who meet those standards, and are not a catch themselves, then they have a choice of being lonely for the rest of their lives or loosening their standards.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #4  August 29,2009, 5:07am
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singleman4803 wrote :
I'd try to be fair to both sexes, but I rarely hear men shout "I refuse to settle!". It seems like it's mostly women that take this stand.

It still doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that everyone settles. Even if you can't find someone that you like, you settle for nothing.

I've heard and read the statement from men at least as often as I have from women.

It may not make sense the way you've used it here, but "settling" to me and all those I've spoken or corresponded in any depth with on the issue means to take "just anyone" - even if there is absolutely no attraction and/or other areas of compatibility where it counts - in order to avoid being alone.

In fact, I've often heard/read it stated just that way: "I'm not going to settle for a relationship that would be unsatisfactory or even miserable for both of us in the long run just so I don't have to be alone."

I would be lying if I said I don't care if I never find anyone to share a special connection and companionship with, though I'm not sure I would ever want to marry again. But since I'm generally happy on my own, it would indeed be settling for less if I were to commit to a relationship that didn't add anything to my life and in which I couldn't feel inspired enough to add to the other person's.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #5  August 29,2009, 5:21am

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agree. Any relationship is settling. You are with a human not a robot.

That said. The choice to stay single, or ending up single on accident doesn't mean "nothingness" your not falling into the abyss of despair, worthless and hopeless.

If I remain single I see it as a huge opportunity to do more important work....charity...to focus on things other than caring for a family and a relationship. To have a greater impact on the world around me.

It's not to say you can't do and be those things if you get married. But I believe you have a much greater chance to be effective if you are on your own.

It's even kind of, biblical actualy

It's sad that there is some stigma that being single (probably that stereotype goes more to men and I can see why) means a person is selfish.

I can see in many cases where that is not the case, and it certainly creates an opportunity to be anything but selfish in life.
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #6  August 29,2009, 5:41am
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Well said, cp30!

I wonder if we are using the word "settle" in two different ways in this thread? For example: I found what I was looking for in my fiance, so I didn't have to "settle" for someone else in order not to be alone. Having said that, however, I do have to "settle" for the fact that this package of everything I want also comes with a guy who eats too fast, is a little sensitive about the fact that I have better computer skills than he, and has a lot of trouble picking out a tie. In short, all the great stuff about him (and all of us) comes in human packaging with human frailties. Is any of that stuff likely to wreck a marriage? Not on your life. It's "small potatoes". That's the trick, I think; to settle for the small differences that make us human while not compromising on the big, important stuff of compatible character and values.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #7  August 29,2009, 5:53am
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I think when a woman says won't settle what she is really saying that she will not be with someone who isn't perfect "FOR HER". Does this mean that the person she choices are is looking for is actually "perfect"? No. Is he the fairytale prince in Cinderella that comes and sweeps her off her feet? Not likely.

Settling is being with someone not based on compatibility or value systems or love or passion. Settling is being with someone in order to have someone in your life. A co-worker married a man nearly twice her age, because she needed a greencard to come into the country. (This happened many, many, many years ago before I knew her.) He wanted a young wife. So, they settled for each other. There's very little love, compassionship, and passion in their marriage, although they've probably been married over 20 years now. (I'm not sure how long it's been.) This woman has a neice in her mid-twenties. About 5 years ago, she found an older man to marry her neice so she could get a greencard and become a citizen. Once again, settling. Now, she has a nephew tha a couple months ago, she was asking anyone if they would be willing to go out with him. (There were plenty of frowns about this behavior, so don't think it's being condoned.)
I realize that in these examples, there is another motive to all this, but the point is, all three of these people have been willing to settle for something other than their soulmate in order to get a greencard. And the neice, she is just pitiful whenever a conversations about husbands, men, or kids come up, because she is unfufilled. She stays married out of fear (not that he's abusive to her in anyway) and obligation.

I don't think people should settle for outside of their soulmate, because I don't think they will ever be completely happy/satisfied with that choice. But sometimes a person's "ideal" mate that they have formulated in their mind change or they find that he/she isn't what truly makes them happy. Settling is just saying "whatever" and not trying to find that right someone any longer.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  August 29,2009, 6:14am
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Funny. On my Profile Page I say "I'm old enough to know better than to settle for anything less than what I want!"

I've been married twice. The first time I married Good Enough. It turned out it wasn't, and after 18 years, I was forced to choose between spending my entire life there, or taking a chance on the unknown.

After my divorce I took the time to really know what I wanted and needed in a man. A couple years later, my Soul Mate came to me, and I got my second chance at love and happiness. He made my heart sing, and my dreams come true when he married me. We were together 15 years till he died (suddenly, unexpectedly) last year. I am still in love with him.

I don't know if I will ever allow it to happen for me again. But I do know that to settle for less than what I had with my second marriage would make a mockery of the love we shared. He would not want me to settle for Good Enough! Not after having known better. I would honestly rather be alone.

I loved Good Enough, but I was in love with my Soul Mate. Big difference; huge, wide gulf between the two! If I am fortunate enough to fall in love again, I believe my second husband would be my biggest fan, cheering me on!

Hence my motto, "I am old enough to know better than to settle for anything less than what I want!"
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #9  August 29,2009, 6:39am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
After my divorce I took the time to really know what I wanted and needed in a man. A couple years later, my Soul Mate came to me, and I got my second chance at love and happiness. He made my heart sing, and my dreams come true when he married me. We were together 15 years till he died (suddenly, unexpectedly) last year. I am still in love with him.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad for you that you got to experience a love so special.


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Hence my motto, "I am old enough to know better than to settle for anything less than what I want!"
Ditto. I was married once, to someone I never should have been with, and have never had the chance to experience true, reciprocal love. And if I'm not fortunate enough to find it, staying alone isn't "settling" in my book - it's my preference.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  August 29,2009, 8:48am
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singleman4803 wrote :
I'd try to be fair to both sexes, but I rarely hear men shout "I refuse to settle!". It seems like it's mostly women that take this stand.

It still doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that everyone settles. Even if you can't find someone that you like, you settle for nothing.
Not having an answer has never stopped me before so I won't let it prevent a post here either.

Maybe the people that are shouting "I will not settle" are actually saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"
 
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