Asked for feedback. Do you give it?


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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #1  August 26,2009, 5:53pm
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is happy with the way things are going!

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Sorry for the rambling post. I met a woman a three times I met on eH a couple months ago. She made me feel uncomfortable pretty often.

1. She showed up late every time we met, including 45 minutes late the last time we met.

2. At the first meeting she said "Oh, I thought you would be taller." as we stood up to leave. Uhhh, I was truthful on my profile but thanks for questioning my honesty.

3. After buying her dinner she offered to pay for drinks at the bar afterwards and didn't tip the waitress at all. Not for bad service, don't some people here say you should watch how your date treats service staff...

4. 37 and still lives at home, because she "really likes spending time with her dad."

5. After our first meeting I sent her my first email (not guided communications), she sent three emails within a day including one "to check if I got her email" because she was having issues with her Internet connection.

6. For the final meeting she offered to take me to dinner because she had a gift card for a nice restaurant. After showing up 45 minutes late, she tells me on the way to dinner that she forgot the gift card and "what's your budget"?

7. At dinner I told her that I was going to be busy at work because I was going away for a long weekend the next weekend, but would be interested in meeting the coming weekend. She emailed me the next day and told me she wouldn't be able to meet on the coming Saturday. (Uhh, so you didn't listen when I said I wouldn't be around on the weekend.)

8. I emailed her to remind her that I was going to be out of town for the weekend. She emailed and wished me a good trip. Then a couple days later sent "So you e-mailed me....does this mean I get to see you when you're back in town?"

I was iffy on seeing her again before that question. For some reason it just pushed me to the no side. I emailed her and told her I wasn't interested in meeting her again, in part because she made me feel uncomfortable on a few occasions.

She then emailed me three long emails in a day. All of the emails stating that she wanted feedback, and could never become a better person without it. In the longest of the emails she gave me her feedback. She then left me a voicemail asking me for feedback and said that she would give me feedback ... only if I felt comfortable receiving it - after sending me her feedback.

The final email had "I am just curious--did I come across as too needy?" Uh, yeah...

I haven't communicated with her since. I never feel comfortable 'poofing' so I thought it was a good thing to email her. Perhaps, I shouldn't have told her she made me feel uncomfortable. I feel no obligation to give her feedback, and I think any honest feedback I would give her would be very difficult to hear. I don't feel any obligation to 'help' her, and think sending her the farewell email was all she deserved.

Thoughts?
Last edited by shoopthedoop; August 26,2009 at 5:57pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  August 26,2009, 5:57pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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We have a winner. Wow....I've never had an online match that bad. The thing is....she sounds like someone who would probably let feedback from you go in one ear and out the other.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #3  August 26,2009, 6:03pm
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If you provide her with the list above, you'll seem nitpicky. I would just share how you felt her repeated lateness was inconsiderate . Also, since you think she came across needy as she suggested she may have, confirm that but don't go into further detail. I would cap that off by wishing her luck in the future, but you're not going to correspond any further to prevent her from following up.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  August 26,2009, 6:12pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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Uh, gee, I was thinking flakey and self centered. Didn't really see needy in the OP. But then I did not go out with this girl.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  August 26,2009, 6:13pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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I think one of two things will happen if you offer her feedback: either it will go in one ear and out the other as jayjay suggested, or she'll want you to really expand on the things you offer to her and will turn the whole thing into a dating coach/therapy session. Then she'll give you feedback and do the same for you! Sorry for the sarcasm, but I've seen this happen to more than one of my male friends who really did just want to help and ended up infuriated in the end.

I'd decline because you aren't obligated to become her dating coach, which is where I sense this will go since she has proven herself to be quite needy.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  August 26,2009, 6:14pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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wrote :
1. She showed up late every time we met, including 45 minutes late the last time we met.
You are an exceptionally patient man.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  August 26,2009, 6:15pm
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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brneyedangel wrote :
I think one of two things will happen if you offer her feedback: either it will go in one ear and out the other as jayjay suggested, or she'll want you to really expand on the things you offer to her and will turn the whole thing into a dating coach/therapy session. Then she'll give you feedback and do the same for you! Sorry for the sarcasm, but I've seen this happen to more than one of my male friends who really did just want to help and ended up infuriated in the end.

I'd decline because you aren't obligated to become her dating coach, which is where I sense this will go since she has proven herself to be quite needy.
I am looking for a dating coach
 
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tenderheart105 is offline tenderheart105 Post #8  August 26,2009, 6:21pm
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is in "the waiting place"

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Hi Shoop,

You sound quite tolerant. The situations you described often make men run far and fast. I think it's great that you were up front with her and let her know that you didn't want to get together again. Many people just pretend to be "busy" for a while and fade away. I think some feedback could really help this woman since it sounds like she may have this pattern with men ("did I come across as too needy?"). As long as you end the message with something like "take care", or "good luck" so that she understands that you do not want to see her again.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #9  August 26,2009, 6:24pm
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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Next time, take the direct but diplomatic way out. Tell her that it's just not working out because the differences in your characters are to vast, and the lack of common interest makes it extremely unlikely that a long-term relationship be successful. At the very least, at the end of that explanation, she will have forgotten the question she asked.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #10  August 26,2009, 6:45pm
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is happy with the way things are going!

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Uh, gee, I was thinking flakey and self centered. Didn't really see needy in the OP. But then I did not go out with this girl.
Flakey and self-centred was the feeling I got from the IRL meetings.

I completely agree with brneyedangel that this woman is looking for a date coach. I have no desire to fill that role.
 
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