Unspoken rule about dating (try #2)


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DeRick70 is offline DeRick70 Post #1  August 26,2009, 11:00am
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This was question was very important to me, and for some reason, it didn't get posted, or was forgotten.
This seemed to be the story of my life. Society seems to believe that if a man can't provide for himself, even for a legitimate reason, then he should remain single and die a virgin. Does anyone agree with this and why?
Someone please answer?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  August 26,2009, 11:20am
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Your question is actually somewhat vague - what exactly is preventing a man from providing for himself?

Anyway, to answer your question in general terms, the presumption is incorrect and rather dated. There are a lot of dominant professional women out there who really don't care if the man makes any money as long as he is a good person and meets her other needs in a relationship. They would not get along with a tradional provider type man anyway so someone who is not is a better match for them.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  August 26,2009, 11:28am
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I think I'd like to revise your rule slightly to make it more accurate and true, then throw it out the window LOL.

If A PERSON can't provide for themselves the emotional and physical needs they need to survive, then they should not enter into an adult relationship. There are exceptions to the physical needs portion (someone disabled who can't work, for example) but not the emotional part.

Of course, in reality, people break this rule all the time. In fact, I'll be safe in saying that almost everybody who's had a failed relationship has broken part of this rule (I said almost, OK).

As for the gender slant on your version...yep, that's true too. Although if you have a legitimate reason for not being able to support yourself, then you've limited the number of women who would find you a match. Not eliminated, just limited.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #4  August 26,2009, 1:04pm
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DancingFool wrote :
There are a lot of dominant professional women out there who really don't care if the man makes any money as long as he is a good person and meets her other needs in a relationship. They would not get along with a tradional provider type man anyway so someone who is not is a better match for them.
Where can I find one of these?
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #5  August 26,2009, 2:28pm
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So what exactly is your question?

Is the question, if you can't provide for yourself, you'll die a virgin? Probably not. Many people i know lost their virginity when they were foolish and young and definitely could not provide for themselves.

Is your question, if a man can't provide for himself, he should remain single forever? In that aspect. Yes. If a man can't provide for himself, then he is expecting someone else to take care of him. This is a huge imposition on someone if you're just meeting them. Most women i know if they find out that to date this person, is to take care of them for the rest of their lives, there has to be something in it for the woman that the man CAN provide to offset this. A relationship is about sharing two lives together. If you don't have much of a life to share, then the other person is living it for the both of you and that's just not fair.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  August 26,2009, 3:02pm
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If you're one of those people who consider a rejection by a few in a group to mean automatic rejection from all in that group, then yes you are right. But as you probably already know, this is not the case.

It is true that society expects generally expects a man to provide for himself at a minimum, and certainly to provide for his family if he has one. As this pertains to dating, there is certainly a contingent of women who will not date a man who's unemployed or "underemployed" financially. But not every woman is like this.

Keep your head high and keep looking for ways to get back on your feet, and good women will appreciate that. Have a defeatist attitude and negatively transfer your frustrations to society (or to women if you're trying to date), and you will continue to experience frustration.

I wish you the best. I am interested to see what other women here have to say about this topic.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #7  August 26,2009, 3:56pm
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Need more info Dude. How old are you, and give us a reason why you can't provide for yourself. You'll get better advice that way.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  August 26,2009, 4:11pm
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I know a number of couple where the woman is the primary breadwinner. As others have said, you should provide more detail if you want better answers. What do you consider a legitimate reason? If you are disabled, there should the Social Security income at least.

The thing that makes it work, when it works, is that the non-working spouse, of either gender, picks up the majority of the domestic work and, to some extent, the work of making the relationship function in terms of logistics. If you are a thoughtful person who can care for a partner in significant ways other than financial support, there are women out there who will respond.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 26,2009, 4:18pm
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DeRick70 wrote :
This seemed to be the story of my life. Society seems to believe that if a man can't provide for himself, even for a legitimate reason, then he should remain single and die a virgin. Does anyone agree with this and why?
Huh?!?

I never heard of this rule. Maybe you're projecting?

A man should provide for himself and any children he creates, unless he's disabled. Even then, there are things he can do.

But being single and being a virgin are two entirely different things, and don't automatically go hand-in-hand!

Just for curiosity's sake, where'd you get that idea?
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #10  August 26,2009, 7:07pm
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There is a difference a man (or woman) not being able to provide for himself temporarily than never being able to provide for himself. If it's a run of bad luck or poor choices, it might take a while, but with careful thinking and effort, he should be able to pull it together in time.

If it's a physical need that he can't provide, such as a disability involved, there are trained professionals that can assist with that. There is also adaptive equipment and many communicty resources to help. But even if a person can't provide all, most, or any of his physical needs, he can still provide in other areas of his life.

If you're talking about a man who can't provide emotionally, then, one must question if such a person can make a committment to another. If he is emotionally unstable, how can he reasonably expect another person to stay in that kind of relationship. But again, there are resources out there that can help, some of which are free if money is an issue. There's many self-help groups and books, too.

If he can't provide financially for himself, then, is it that he really "can't" or that he "won't". Layoffs and poor working conditions are all around. People all over are struggling, and all the best anyone can do right now is get through it as best that he/she can and remember that this one day will all pass.

I don't know where the virgin and dying bit comes in, but if a man is putting forth an honest answer, most women are willing to give him a chance.
 
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