Asking her opinion on sex before marriage?


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stevex is offline stevex Post #1  August 25,2009, 8:35am
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There have been numerous threads about people talking about sex before marriage or waiting for marriage to have sex. This question is a bit different. I am curious, when is it okay to ask her opinion on the matter?

I have no personal desires to be with someone who is saving sex till marriage. It is a concept I do not understand not follow. With that said, I can imagine if I engaged in a relationship with someone and then found out even two or three months into the relationship that the reason we haven't had sex is because she is saving herself till marriage. If I broke up with her because of that (which I likely would -- as sex to me is an important part of the relationship) not only would I look like an ass but she would be hurt, and I likely would, too.

So is it okay to ask early on? How can you approach the subject without sounding like your only goal is to get into her pants? Because that isn't my only thing; just a certain important piece of the pie that has to be there, in my book.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  August 25,2009, 10:06am
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Seems to me that since you expect to engage in sex before marriage that whenever bring up the subject of sex that the subject of waiting till marriage would come out then if that is either parties desire.

Just my $.02 along with my standard disclaimer that I don't know anything about anything.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  August 25,2009, 10:12am
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If you are talking about eharmony i had a match that actually put it in his profile that he thought that sex was okay in a committed relationship. i wouldnt suggest actually writing that, but it did give me the information that i needed to close him.

i just think its weird asking or stating at all. why not just wait until you know if you REALLY want to continue to date her? if you dont like her or she doesnt like you its a moot point.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  August 25,2009, 10:33am
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stevex wrote :
There have been numerous threads about people talking about sex before marriage or waiting for marriage to have sex. This question is a bit different. I am curious, when is it okay to ask her opinion on the matter?

I have no personal desires to be with someone who is saving sex till marriage. It is a concept I do not understand not follow. With that said, I can imagine if I engaged in a relationship with someone and then found out even two or three months into the relationship that the reason we haven't had sex is because she is saving herself till marriage. If I broke up with her because of that (which I likely would -- as sex to me is an important part of the relationship) not only would I look like an ass but she would be hurt, and I likely would, too.

So is it okay to ask early on? How can you approach the subject without sounding like your only goal is to get into her pants? Because that isn't my only thing; just a certain important piece of the pie that has to be there, in my book.
I don't think there is any one answer.
All relationships are going to progress at different stages...you may be able to get some women to openly discuss sex on the second or thread date, even.
Some may not..everyone has their own timetable.
I've always found that the subject sort of comes up by itself as you get closer, emotionally.

Re: getting hurt..
To me, I just don't really understand this theory, I guess.
I mean, if you and her are progressing at your own pace, talking, communicating openly, and then she says, "It's been my belief that I want to wait until marraige."....and you say, 'I respect that, but that's not something I'm interested in. It's really a huge deal for me."
Neither one wants to give in to the other, nor should they.
So, let's assume you both decide to part ways because of this.
I mean who got hurt? No one.
You both simply go to the point where you had fundamental differences that could not co-exist had you stayed together.

OK-
So, let's assume you want to find this out ASAP in a new relationship. That's your choice.
Will it freak someone out if, had they been asked this question very early on, and yet, like yourself , also did not want to wait until marriage??
I don't know, but I really doubt it.
Sure they may think you're a pig...they may not. That's the risk, I guess.

Conversely, will it end that relationship with the woman who hasn't told you that she's saving herself until marriage?
Ultimately, yes.

Is there a wrong way to do it? I don't know.

There's an old expression in sales: "You can't say the wrong thing to the right person, or the right thing to the wrong person"...
meaning: if someone likes you, they'll listen to what you have to say...and if someone doesn't care about you one bit, their mind is basically, closed from the start.

Is it a question you need to tip toe around? No, I don't believe in that.
But, it's probably not one to sledgehammer someone with on a first or second date.
So, if both of you are openly communicating, you'll end up at the same place, at the right time.
That's my theory, anyway.
 
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Ms666 is offline Ms666 Post #5  August 25,2009, 10:36am
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I try to make some vague but not overtly sexual comments in the early stage of communication with someone in order to let them know that I am not shy about that sort of thing... For example, when one of my eharmony matches asks the short answer question about what I am looking for in a man, I make sure one of my criteria is that he is good in the sack. This opens that dialogue quite nicely. I guess it's easier for a girl to break the ice on this subject, but if the girls you talk to aren't that forthcoming:
How about simply asking, "What are your feelings about premarital sex?" I would personally never get offended, but I guess I'm not like most girls...
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  August 25,2009, 11:02am
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Ms666 wrote :
I try to make some vague but not overtly sexual comments in the early stage of communication with someone in order to let them know that I am not shy about that sort of thing... For example, when one of my eharmony matches asks the short answer question about what I am looking for in a man, I make sure one of my criteria is that he is good in the sack.
I don't think anyone is ever going to accuse you of being vague.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  August 25,2009, 11:14am
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This is why you should not shy away from topics like religious beliefs in early dates. If you get into a dicussion about that, you can easily find out how she feels about waiting until marriage thing just out of conversation. Both topics are actually imporant to get out of the way early, since you don't want to waste time dating someone who is not compatible.
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #8  August 25,2009, 11:41am
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I'm not so sure the entire concept of "premarital sex" is even that valid anymore - at least not for about the last half-century.

If you are dating a woman over 21 it's a pretty good bet she is neither a virgin nor is she someone who doesn't want to have sex until she marries (or marries again). If you doubt that - tell the next woman you go out with that you are saving yourself until marriage and watch how fast she disappears (unless you're rich and stupid). What I'm saying is the "marital" thing doesn't really have much to do with it.

Truth is: you want to know her attitude about sex, and you also anticipate wanting to know her attitude about sex with you.

One of the best ways to find out a woman's attitude about sex is for you to not bring it up at all until after the fifth date. Women are (usually) on guard for the guy who wants to get to the discussion of sex on the first date. They will be prepared for the guy probably doing it on the second date. If the third date comes and goes and the guy hasn't made even the slightest question about her sexual attitude, she will decide something's wrong - maybe she has somehow given you the impression she is a prude or "cold". She will tentatively broach the matter on the fourth date, or the fifth date at the latest.
This is because women are people too. If they spend enough time with someone they like they naturally want to know about the place of sex in the relationship just as much as you would. She doesn't want to be daydreaming about you if you think of her as a "little sister" any more than you want to take five dates to find out she thinks of you as a "brother".
And if she has not brought up sex after five dates - she does think of you as a brother, or, more likely as a sap who will finance her social life without asking her to invest any caring or respect at all in return.

Local opinions may vary.

P.S. Thinking that sex is still "taboo" seems a bit weird considering we all see that ad for Levitra on these threads.
Last edited by Seneca; August 25,2009 at 6:20pm.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #9  August 25,2009, 12:06pm
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Seneca wrote :
One of the best ways to find out a woman's attitude about sex is for you to not bring it up at all until after the fifth date. Women are (usually) on guard for the guy who wants to get to the discussion of sex on the firstsecond date. If the third date comes and goes and the guy hasn't made even the slightest question about her sexual attitude, she will decide something's wrong - maybe she has somehow given you the impression she is a prude or "cold". She will tentatively broach the matter on the fourth date, or the fifth date at the latest date.
That is probably the most sound advice. I would never ask any kind of questions as such on the first or second date. So I would think anywhere between the 4th and 8th date would be the right time. I was just curious if anyone else had any input.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #10  August 25,2009, 12:33pm
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Nanette wrote :
If you are talking about eharmony i had a match that actually put it in his profile that he thought that sex was okay in a committed relationship. i wouldnt suggest actually writing that, but it did give me the information that i needed to close him.

i just think its weird asking or stating at all. why not just wait until you know if you REALLY want to continue to date her? if you dont like her or she doesnt like you its a moot point.

I agree...........
 
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