Ex-nun in the dating pool and needs some water wings!!!


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ann_the_bold is offline ann_the_bold Post #1  August 24,2009, 9:41pm
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is trying to work and not in the mood!

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Right, I have fun on eHarm this is a great way to meet guys I've had a few nice f2f's. Nothing serious but it's nice to be out in the dating pool again since I was out of it for most of my 20's.

Here's my situation--I'm an ex-nun (seriously!). Would I be a nun again? No. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I apologize for it? Absolutely not! The problem I'm so clueless when it comes to dealing with the menfolk I don't even know where to start.

Of course I don't bring up my former occupation (my experience is that it makes people feel awkward around me and I'm not even a churchgoer anymore), but I'm pretty skittish when it comes to broaching the delicate subject of the boudoir.

Just like I don't broadcast my former nun-itude, I keep mum about my sex life or huge lack thereof. Even corresponding in eHarm makes me anxious because for example the Must Have/Can't Stands, I panic whenever a guy says he needs a "passionate" person and can't stand an "uninterested" one. I just assume I won't fit the bill because of what I was. Intellectually I think it's rather silly to close a match that early on because of that, but I keep doing it.

I don't know what do y'all think? I'm college-educated, have a good job, good friends (who all live far away since I just moved for work) and would like to relax and have fun dating. I know I'm not the only...unexperienced person on here but for cryin' out loud when do you tell someone a prospect you're less experienced without spooking him and stressing yourself out??? I just shut down another promising match. GAH!!!
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #2  August 24,2009, 9:50pm

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lol!! Relax, breathe and stop closing all your matches!!!!

****

The only way is to just dive in and start dating. edating is perfect because you can take baby steps to dating. So I recommend you do the following...

1) stop closing all of your matches
2) don't close any of them out unless there are some obvious non-compatibilities or the ones that just scream for you to close them. (Yeah, you know the ones...lol!)
3) use the general and open communication to feel out your matches
4) meet them

You have to start somewhere. You don't need to divulge anything that you are not ready to share yet. I find it really intriguing that you were a nun but yes, I can see a match maybe being a bit intimidated by this. lol!

As for being scared of the passionate must have, why?? I assume it takes a passionate person to become a nun and a passionate person to become an ex-nun - I don't think you are lacking in any passion!!

Welcome Ann - Now go have fun!!!
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #3  August 24,2009, 10:18pm
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As you know, you are not alone in your quandry. But, knowing that probably doesn't make things a whole lot easier...lol. I see, too, that you posted a similar thread here just over a year ago, so this has been an ongoing issue for you.

Your level of (in)experience isn't something that you have to broadcast up front, especially to someone who is only viewing your profile (nor would it be if you were very experienced!). When you meet someone you think you would like to date (more than just a date or two), then you can start broaching the topic...

FYI, there is a list of links to threads here focused on "late bloomers" such as yourself; you might want to check them out to see if any speak to your concerns: http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/gr...es-matter.html
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #4  August 24,2009, 10:38pm
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Experience isn't everything, i can't think of many people i know who even put it on their list of priorities, let alone high up on that list. And as for passion as a must have, well, it doesn't have to mean in the bedroom but even if it does i wouldn't worry about it, how much chance have you ever had to find out if you're passionate or not? There's always the chance you could meet someone who knocks your socks off and turns you into a growling kitty cat.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #5  August 24,2009, 10:56pm
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relax, relax, relax, relax, relax!!!!!!

deep breathe... *sigh!

what everyone else is saying- but i will repeat it and perhaps say it a little differently-

passion does not just mean in the bedroom. and as lizziepooh said, you are obviously a woman of passion. it takes a radically passionate woman to wear a habit and probably an even more passionate one to take it off permanently.

about your "experience" or lack thereof- to the right guy that should be a non-issue. i know that at my age and the women i am likely to date, we all probably have more experience than we would care to admit to in polite company. BUT, i would prefer someone who did not have all that much experience. i think too much emphasis is placed on sex in our culture. everyone has to be an expert at it. when in reality- even if you have sex a lot (whatever that is) it is still going to comprise no more than a small percent of your life and relationship. that and the fact that "sex incompatibilities" (what ever those are) can be worked around if a couple desire to do so tells me that to the right guy, your lack of experience should not be a problem.

and finally, your former occupation. i understand why you may be reluctant to bring it up. but again, to the right man, it should not be a problem.

about dating? be yourself, be free, have fun. share what you want, when you want and with whom you want. and be yourself. you seem to be a strong educated woman of character and conviction.

who wouldn't want that?
Last edited by notyet; August 25,2009 at 12:25am. Reason: thanks, neardc!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  August 24,2009, 11:00pm
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sensuality is a big deal, and you dont have to have a lot of experience to be that!
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  August 24,2009, 11:00pm
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notyet wrote :
passion does not just mean in the bedroom. and as LizziePooh said, you are obviously a woman of passion. it takes a radically passionate woman to wear a habit and probably an even more passionate one to take it off permanently.
Just fixing that for you to give credit where it's due (although I certainly agree and would have been happy to take credit for it! ).
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 25,2009, 7:45am
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ann_the_bold wrote :
Right, I have fun on eHarm this is a great way to meet guys I've had a few nice f2f's. Nothing serious but it's nice to be out in the dating pool again since I was out of it for most of my 20's.

Here's my situation--I'm an ex-nun (seriously!). Would I be a nun again? No. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I apologize for it? Absolutely not! The problem I'm so clueless when it comes to dealing with the menfolk I don't even know where to start.

Of course I don't bring up my former occupation (my experience is that it makes people feel awkward around me and I'm not even a churchgoer anymore), but I'm pretty skittish when it comes to broaching the delicate subject of the boudoir.

Just like I don't broadcast my former nun-itude, I keep mum about my sex life or huge lack thereof. Even corresponding in eHarm makes me anxious because for example the Must Have/Can't Stands, I panic whenever a guy says he needs a "passionate" person and can't stand an "uninterested" one. I just assume I won't fit the bill because of what I was. Intellectually I think it's rather silly to close a match that early on because of that, but I keep doing it.

I don't know what do y'all think? I'm college-educated, have a good job, good friends (who all live far away since I just moved for work) and would like to relax and have fun dating. I know I'm not the only...unexperienced person on here but for cryin' out loud when do you tell someone a prospect you're less experienced without spooking him and stressing yourself out??? I just shut down another promising match. GAH!!!
A lack of experience makes you neither not passionate nor uninterested.

Stop closing your matches because of a MHCS. Once you get to the point where it is appropriate to be discussing these subjects then you can see what his views are and then both decide if you should go farther forward with building a relationship.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #9  August 25,2009, 7:56am
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ann_the_bold wrote :
Of course I don't bring up my former occupation (my experience is that it makes people feel awkward around me and I'm not even a churchgoer anymore), but I'm pretty skittish when it comes to broaching the delicate subject of the boudoir.
What point do you bring up the ex-nun thing?

Sure it's going to make most people feel awkward, but isn't it better to get that out of the way earlier on?

It would be a pretty safe assumption for a man to make, once he knows your former vocation, that you aren't the most sexually experienced.
 
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waypoint_finder is offline waypoint_finder Post #10  August 25,2009, 9:15am

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When your matches ask you about your employment history, just tell them its nun of their business
 
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