When to do a background check?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
verylibra is offline verylibra Post #1  August 24,2009, 6:57am
verylibra's Avatar

happily in love!!!

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Ohio

Posts: 270

See profile

I could use some advice. I've met someone whose company I really enjoy. It's a LDR. There have been a few things that have come up that I felt the need to find a little more information about. When I did a very preliminary search of public records I found a red flag. This man has a very unusual name so I'm sure its the correct person. He's mentioned a bad temper also. I've tried to get him to talk about that so I have a frame of reference. He seems very calm, very soft spoken and very gentle but he has mentioned a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde component to his personality.

He has visited me once and I plan to visit him in the near future. From some of the things I've read, others feel as if its an invasion of privacy to do a background check. All the information comes from public records. BTW, if someone were to do a background check on me they might find some really unappealing things from my divorce. It was ugly. My ex-husband took a scorched earth approach to me leaving him. There are things I would need to explain as well. I have no problem with someone running a background check on me even with all the blemishes that show up there.

How should I approach this?
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  August 24,2009, 7:11am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,421

See profile

verylibra wrote :
I could use some advice. I've met someone whose company I really enjoy. It's a LDR. There have been a few things that have come up that I felt the need to find a little more information about. When I did a very preliminary search of public records I found a red flag. This man has a very unusual name so I'm sure its the correct person. He's mentioned a bad temper also. I've tried to get him to talk about that so I have a frame of reference. He seems very calm, very soft spoken and very gentle but he has mentioned a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde component to his personality.
Holy smokes...
Um, that's not a red flag....that's a siren you're hearing.
Why even get involved with someone like that?

wrote :
He has visited me once and I plan to visit him in the near future. From some of the things I've read, others feel as if its an invasion of privacy to do a background check. All the information comes from public records.

[How should I approach this?
I must be getting old..
Or maybe I'm just naive, but if you think you have to do a background check on someone in order to date them, well, it may be time to move one and find someone with whom you feel a little safer.

BTW-
That's a cute little Yorkie you've got in your avatar...
Is he yours?

Put another way: would you want your dog around someone who's admitted to a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality??
If you're a dog lover, like me, you know the answer to that.

So, why do that to yourself?
Last edited by TheThinker; August 24,2009 at 7:19am.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  August 24,2009, 7:17am
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

verylibra wrote :
I could use some advice. I've met someone whose company I really enjoy. It's a LDR. There have been a few things that have come up that I felt the need to find a little more information about. When I did a very preliminary search of public records I found a red flag. This man has a very unusual name so I'm sure its the correct person. He's mentioned a bad temper also. I've tried to get him to talk about that so I have a frame of reference. He seems very calm, very soft spoken and very gentle but he has mentioned a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde component to his personality.

He has visited me once and I plan to visit him in the near future. From some of the things I've read, others feel as if its an invasion of privacy to do a background check. All the information comes from public records. BTW, if someone were to do a background check on me they might find some really unappealing things from my divorce. It was ugly. My ex-husband took a scorched earth approach to me leaving him. There are things I would need to explain as well. I have no problem with someone running a background check on me even with all the blemishes that show up there.

How should I approach this?
I have mixed feelings on this topic.

Adding the LDR component makes it even more complicated.

It sounds like you are very much in the preliminary stages. I can understand not wanting to invest a lot of time and money into a relationship that might have some dealbreakers that could be discovered with a background check. Heres the thing: sometimes you just have to take calculated risks. There are going to be times when you invest time/money and the situation is going to be a dud and not work for you (or him). You chalk it up as a loss and move on.

Depending on how LD you are and how often you can see each other just stay on guard so you dont actually see this guy in a better light than he really is. Be careful to represent yourself as you really are. Take it slow.

Not knowing what the *red flag* was its even more difficult to give a concrete answer.

I wouldnt do a background check just yet, based on the information that you provide and that it is so early in the "relationship". If you go slowly, you might find that you dont feel the need to do a background check at all.

Those are my thoughts. I hope they helped a little.
 
  Reply With Quote
timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #4  August 24,2009, 7:22am
timeless2's Avatar

wants you to have a Hippo Gnu Eel!

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2008

Philliesland

Posts: 3,866

See profile

Is he a scammer from Nigeria?
 
  Reply With Quote
timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #5  August 24,2009, 7:23am
timeless2's Avatar

wants you to have a Hippo Gnu Eel!

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2008

Philliesland

Posts: 3,866

See profile

oops was modded

Is he a scummer from Niag*ria?
 
  Reply With Quote
verylibra is offline verylibra Post #6  August 24,2009, 7:24am
verylibra's Avatar

happily in love!!!

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Ohio

Posts: 270

See profile

TheThinker wrote :
[/b]
Holy smokes...
Um, that's not a red flag....that's a siren you're hearing.
Why even get involved with someone like that?



I must be getting old..
Or maybe I'm just naive, but if you think you have to do a background check on someone in order to date them, well, it may be time to move one and find someone with whom you feel a little safer.
Well, I had planned to let things just subside after his visit because of these concerns. The day after his visit, his mother died. He seems very enamored with me so I just couldn't break things off during a time of such deep pain.

I'm unsure whether I'm over reacting to some of the things he's told me. His demeanor is most certainly very different from what I would imagine from a hot head. What I found online was more of a financial issue which I can't get him to open up about.

For women, the safety factor can be very different than for men. I doubt that most men ever get that. I want to avoid over reacting while at the same time avoid under reacting. If I do a background check I may find he's not at all the man I think he is or I may find that he's a good guy who has had some difficulties.
 
  Reply With Quote
verylibra is offline verylibra Post #7  August 24,2009, 7:32am
verylibra's Avatar

happily in love!!!

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Ohio

Posts: 270

See profile

timeless2 wrote :
oops was modded

Is he a scummer from Niag*ria?
LOL!!! I usually prefer the scummer type however this one seems a little more tame than that...
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  August 24,2009, 7:46am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,421

See profile

verylibra wrote :
Well, I had planned to let things just subside after his visit because of these concerns. The day after his visit, his mother died. He seems very enamored with me so I just couldn't break things off during a time of such deep pain.

I'm unsure whether I'm over reacting to some of the things he's told me. His demeanor is most certainly very different from what I would imagine from a hot head.
Well, In my 49 years of living I've found that most hotheads are not hotheads all the time....that's why they are so difficult to get along with.
Besides, do you think he's going to show you that in two dates?
You're smarter that that, right?

wrote :
What I found online was more of a financial issue which I can't get him to open up about.
So, here's the question you may need to ask yourself:
At what point would/should I break it off?
You don't go into details, so, let's say he had declared bankruptcy a few years ago...would that tip the scales against you dating him?
If so why?
Everyone has their own standards, you have to decide for yourself what yours are.

wrote :
For women, the safety factor can be very different than for men. I doubt that most men ever get that.
I understand that very well.
And, I'm inclined to think most men do understand it as well....though, there may be a few that just don't really care.

wrote :
I want to avoid over reacting while at the same time avoid under reacting. If I do a background check I may find he's not at all the man I think he is or I may find that he's a good guy who has had some difficulties.
Yup.
In the end, let's face it, only you can decide if he is up to your standards.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  August 24,2009, 7:46am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,747

See profile

Honestly I don't think a background is really going to answer your questions but it may give you a very false sense of security.

If he has lashed out against someone physically but nothing was ever reported, you'll never know. This is the kind of a thing where you learn the person and proceed with caution and above all else, trust your gut instinct. From all your posts, it sounds like you are currently staying with him out of pity and not because you are truly interested in him.....
 
  Reply With Quote
verylibra is offline verylibra Post #10  August 24,2009, 8:00am
verylibra's Avatar

happily in love!!!

Pacesetter

Joined: Jan 2009

Ohio

Posts: 270

See profile

TheThinker wrote :
Well, In my 49 years of living I've found that most hotheads are not hotheads all the time....that's why they are so difficult to get along with.
Besides, do you think he's going to show you that in two dates?
You're smarter that that, right?


So, here's the question you may need to ask yourself:
At what point would/should I break it off?
You don't go into details, so, let's say he had declared bankruptcy a few years ago...would that tip the scales against you dating him?
If so why?
Everyone has their own standards, you have to decide for yourself what yours are.


I understand that very well.
And, I'm inclined to think most men do understand it as well....though, there may be a few that just don't really care.


Yup.
In the end, let's face it, only you can decide if he is up to your standards.
I do really like him and have enjoyed getting to know him. However I really like people in general so I tend to be overly tolerant. He has treated me very well so far. He is unusually intelligent which is a huge draw for me.

What I found was a conviction for theft by deception with community service as punishment. I filed Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after my divorce so sure wouldn't fault someone else for that. I didn't go any further with my search. That seemed to be a deal breaker on its own. However, I have no idea what that means.

He mentioned something to me that was a huge red flag that I just can't get away from that has to do with his temper.

I guess I just don't know how to end things at this point and yes Dancing Fool there is the sympathy factor here. Sometimes I feel like I put all men through hoops that are impossible for them to jump through. He's so likable and so comfortable for me that its hard for me to see his faults. Here goes...what he said that really bothered me was that he might have harmed his exwife when she was moving out of the house had she not done it without his knowledge. That's scary to me.

Please give me your input and advice...seeing the trees but the forest is all a blur.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Can a guy dress ~too~ well? | Dating | After third/fourth date - How much time should you wait to hear back from a guy for next date? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
check your mailboxes!!! mermaid2244 AAA Completely Stupid Conversations 122 August 5,2009 2:03pm
Check out these new Advice articles by Advice Hosts Renee and Kate! eH_Advice_Admin_Lori Using eHarmony 2 July 22,2009 1:49pm
Background checks? Why aren't you doing them? itsbits Dating 349 July 22,2009 1:46pm
Please check out... When_I_See_You_Smile AAA Completely Stupid Conversations 10 June 15,2009 5:55pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I do still eat and drink the things I shouldn't sometimes. I'd stop if I needed an Epi-Pen but none of my allergies are severe enough for that yet. I feel for you, Legend.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Living Without....” discussion

“No, this is the ONE, with the Domestic Man among men that I hunger for... New Twist Like the great philosopher Dr. Phil says, "When momma's happy, everyone's happy".” –  tweet37

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“I think you are projecting that if you are the one paying for the first few dates that the woman is a "pay to play" woman and if you were to marry her she would be so irresponsible that you'd be ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“That's disappointing. You've gotten a lot of tips about changing your settings and I hope it pays off when you do.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“ Happy Faraday, Birth... um I mean... Happy Birthday, Fara. I blame harnomygirl... typing her name messes with your mind.” –  dmi

Join the “The End Maybe Coming” discussion

“I thought she took the safer route and met him here first. Now that she knows he's fun, they'll throw caution to the wind, but gently.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “a match wants to meet me in a foreign country” discussion

“ I wouldn't be so sure he was ready (the way you mean it) with this new girl. He was calling you testing the waters while seeing her, right? This may just be how he is in relationships- this may ... ” –  FairOne

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:46am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0