WebDiva is offline WebDiva Post #1  August 18,2009, 8:43am
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Ok, so I have been dating someone I met online. We spent three months talking, emailing and texting prior to actually meeting. We communicated every day. We finally set up a meeting in another state - we live about 1000 miles apart and met half way. We each had our own hotel rooms and spent four days with each other - returning to our own rooms at night. We had a wonderful time, talking, sharing and just getting along fabulously. He shared information with me that you just don't talk about with anyone - I know it is accurate because I do know his friends and family and was able to confirm bits and pieces.

Since this wonderful weekend, he has only been contacting me once a week. I know he has a lot going on with his business and his recent divorce - still fighting over many things. I gave him an easy out when sent him an email saying i know he needs space and that is fine - we can take things back a few notches - no problem. He called and said he didn't need space - he is just extremely busy and emotionally spent with the personal issues in his home town.

Still, I question the idea that he can only contact 1 time per week when before we had contact each day - either email, text or phone.. Am I crazy, is he just not in to me and not wanting to say it or could it be that he is just so emotionally drained with his own issues he can only seem to reach out once in a while. Like clock work, sunday or monday he calls.

any advice would be appreciated - i'm new to the dating game after 20 years of marriage and really didn't think i would have to deal with games again.
 
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33tomh is offline 33tomh Post #2  August 18,2009, 9:07am
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First, you are not crazy...OK, maybe you are but that's for a shrink to decide.

Anyway, as long as you are sure of what you are involved with {ie you know he's actively divorcing and there are no other issues -And it seems you've checked} then take what he says at face value.

Yes. it's a bit odd that once a week, at a designated time is all that he's available, but, maybe he needs to cope by compartmentalizing. Let him know, as you seem to be doing with us here, that this is not enough for you.

Not clear how many weeks it's been since you two met? Did the tone of his affection during the calls change since then?

Seems like you'd be more comfortable backing off completely until he's ready to give you what you need and is more available. It's so easy to get used to the daily contact...It feels good!

My guess is he's not {I hope} playing a game with you, but just trying to get his own life into order.

You must communicate the questions you posed here to him, to get the answers.

Hope that helps!

Tom .
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  August 18,2009, 9:08am
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If he calls you like clockwork every week, then what's the problem? Personally, I'd get exhausted if I had to talk to someone multiple times a week and not in a committed relationship with them.
You said you're dating this guy but never said you have some kind of exclusive/committed arrangement. He might be (just as you should be) dating other people too.
 
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WebDiva is offline WebDiva Post #4  August 18,2009, 9:14am
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Thanks for the reply - you pretty much said what I was thinking (hoping). The affection has not changed, just the amount/time.

I have heard of men compartmenalizing but to date not dealt with it. Guess that is what is going on here - and you are right, I do need to ask him these questions.

Again, thanks for the assist.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  August 18,2009, 9:19am
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Do you have any reason to believe that he wouldn't be honest with you when he said he's extremely busy and emotionally spent and that he doesn't need space? Have you taken the time to call him and see how he is doing during the week? And one more question--why are you seeing a man who is not yet divorced? Technically, he's still married, and whether he has feelings for her or not, divorce is not a fun thing to go through for anyone.

I think the fact that he has told you he doesn't need space as well as the fact that he is still calling you are good signs. Between his business and his divorce, it's quite possible that he truly is very strained right now. He may have chosen to not share the details of that with you because he doesn't wish to burden you with his issues, or maybe he just doesn't want to talk about everything that's going on right now. I wouldn't read too much into it--divorce is incredibly difficult, especially if it's not an amicable split, and depending on what his business is, it could either be very busy or not doing so well at all. It could just be that things have become more intense at this point and this is why he's not contacting you. However, if you don't trust him and if you think he's playing games, if a relationship develops between you, then you won't have a strong foundation to build upon, will you?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  August 18,2009, 9:50am
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I will go off on a tangent here.

You said "recent" divorce. After a divorce you need to just get yourself emotionally ready to date again. He should not be even thinking about dating until at least a year after the divorce has become final. I suspect that it has not been nearly that long.

You should protect your own emotional health by not dating someone who has just been divorced.

As has been mentioned you should be dating others for many reasons. One would be his divorce issues but certainly high on the list is the fact that a LDR is dificult under the very best of circumstances.

Another thing that popped out at me in your post is that he calls "like clockwork". This is a sure sign of a married person. Are you sure he is actually divorced?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  August 18,2009, 10:01am
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Give him his space and continue seeing, dating, looking for others. If it's true about everything that's going on in his life, then I can understand how communication can be difficult for him. To you it may seem like a phone call should be easy, but for him it's just one thing too many to handle at the moment. So he calls you when he has time and is feeling at least a little relaxed.

The thing is that only time will tell what's really going on and there is not much you can do about it but keep an open door while continuing to live your life as you need to.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #8  August 18,2009, 10:06am
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Is he actually divorced? Or in the midst of one?

Re: his business. If he's building his own, he may spend an inordinate amount of time on it. 12-16 hrs a day is not uncommon to be a success in your own right. If the divorce is not final, they may be arguing over how to value that business.

Do you want a relationship with someone 1000 miles away?
 
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