Need Advice: 18, engaged, living with g/f


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JustinMiles is offline JustinMiles Post #1  August 16,2009, 6:42pm
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So I 've been seeing the same girl on and off (mostly on) for Four years. We're engaged now and live together, we are both 18. I've been crushing on another girl alot recently, and its really made me feel trapped. We've broken up before when I started crushing on another girl, and it worked out bad, and we got back together. (We've broke up for other reasons before too, but thats besides the point.)

The thing is, I don't know if its just that I'm crushing on this other girl that I feel trapped now, or its me finding out there might be something out there better for me. I've only been with one girl basically since I was 14, sometimes I feel like I jumped the gun.

Also, I feel trapped living with her. I feel like I never have any time to myself that I need. She can't afford her own place, and her father is abusive so she can't move back in with her parents. Alot of things in her life have left her very emotionally needy, and I'm afraid I won't be able to live with it every day. Idk, I love her for sure, but sometimes I wonder if being separated for awhile to give us time to grow on our own might be best. We've kind of fused together into the same person, not really accomplishing much on our own. But, she has like no other options but to live with me really. And, what if she trys to commit suicide or something if I break up with her? Shes talked about how she hates living, she likes me though so I give her reason to live. Thats makes me feel horrible/concerned. Idk.... Any advice works, I just need to feel like I'm talking to someone I guess.
 
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gtp is offline gtp Post #2  August 17,2009, 4:02pm
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The idea of being engaged or getting married at 18 is utterly terrifying to me. I'm 25 now and still don't necessarily feel ready to get married or engaged, though I'm a lot closer than I once was. I'm not the kind of person who is into sowing wild oats, but kind of like you said, I think it's so important to grow and discover who you are as a person before you try and make a life with another person.

Honestly, it sounds like you already know you're answer. You're not happy as you are and whatever the reason happens to be, getting married isn't going to fix it.

I know you feel guilty about this girl's situation, but you need to break off the engagement and get out on your own.

You've got so much of your life ahead of you, and you may really be making a mistake by getting married this early.

Plus, it sounds like your current g/f has a lot of growing up that she needs to do herself. I'm not saying that things wouldn't work out if you did get married - that's obviously your call - but it sounds like you both could use some time on your own to figure things out before trying to make it in a marriage.

Plus, if you do really love each other you can always get married later. There's no need to rush!
 
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waypoint_finder is offline waypoint_finder Post #3  August 17,2009, 4:05pm

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Before deciding to get married, perhaps both of you should get out and experience the world a bit.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #4  August 17,2009, 4:08pm
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Son, you're too young to be in a relationship...forget being engaged! Do yourselves BOTH a favor and end this as soon as possible. If you're meant to be together, you'll be together later...when you're both "cooked". Right now, you need to concentrate on other things for yourself an education, career, dreams!). And let her learn to grow up without relying on you. That would be the best gift you can give to each other.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #5  August 17,2009, 4:12pm
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Justin,

Only you really know your situation. But in general, 18 is much too early to get married. You are still learning important things about yourself and trying to navigate the world. And understanding women is a lifetime journey. I'm about twice your age and I'm still learning.

The prudent thing to do here, given that you've intimated about having a wandering eye, feeling trapped, etc., is to break off the engagement. A man should never, ever commit to marriage before he is truly ready for that.

Best of luck with your situation.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  August 17,2009, 4:23pm
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If you've been seeing one girl since you were old enough to get interested in girls it's hardly surprising if you're crushing on other girls. While ending up with your childhood sweetheart is very romantic you're 18, probably very different from when you were 14 and likely to get more different still as you live and learn.
The two of you need to sit down and talk, if you're feeling trapped you need to talk that over, is she feeling trapped too? Given that you keep breaking up is she happy with your relationship or is she just going with the flow?
It may mean that you end up taking a break from each other and explore life a little seperately, and if so then that's no bad thing, you're 18, be 18. You may end up coming back to each other anyway after seeing what else life has to offer, but at the moment is sounds like the only reason you're together is because you always have been since before you really knew what it meant.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #7  August 17,2009, 5:04pm
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Justin,

No one can really tell you what is best for you in your situation, because none of us is actually in your situation. However, it's never good to stay in a relationship out of obligation to another person or to protect a person. Additionally, it's never a good idea to commit to something as big as marriage if you are uncertain about whether or not it's a good idea. While I do know people who have married at 18 and are still married, I will also know that I know many more people who have married at your age and divorced.

I can't predict what the future will hold for you, but I can say that if you have doubts, that's just not a good way to start a marriage. I realize that you said you love your girlfriend, but it's clear throughout your post that you've got some pretty major concerns. Take some time to look at those concerns, and don't take responsibility for anyone's actions other than your own. If your girlfriend is that depressed that she might consider suicide if you break up with her, then she needs counseling (and really, she does anyway if her father abused her).

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you, but maybe it's at least given you a few things to think about. I wish you the best of luck!
 
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JustinMiles is offline JustinMiles Post #8  August 18,2009, 5:25am
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Thank you for everyones advice.
I still don't really know what to do. She read my facebook and found a bunch of messages where I was kind of flirting with this girl I work with. That really bothered her, and we talked about things, and I told her how I'm worried and sometimes feel trapped right now. I didn't break up with her though. I told her I want to stay together but shes still concerned and I'm still confused.
All the thoughts of me being single and enjoying it and being more successful turned into me being single and miserable and missing her when I had the chance to do it. I can't imagine life without her. I don't really have parents, I have some family but none that I'm close to, I've lived on my own since I turned 18. Even if things turned out great for me being single, I'd still have to go through a lot of depression just to get there, and I don't know if I can handle it, I've had a rough life.
Everyones advice is always the same, everybody says I'm too young for all of it right now, its hard to want to stay together when everyone says you shouldn't anyway.

I don't know. My eyes and my head hurt miserably. Thanks for listening guys :-)
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #9  August 18,2009, 6:41am
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How about a little different advice. It sounds like confused or not, that you'll be staying with her. That's fine. But at your age and your situation, you better make damn sure she doesn't get pregnant.
Maybe you'll last, maybe not, but the chances either one of you will go to college, own a home, get the job you want, etc...will vanish if you start a family at your age. Be very careful.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  August 18,2009, 7:53am
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hazmat wrote :
How about a little different advice. It sounds like confused or not, that you'll be staying with her. That's fine. But at your age and your situation, you better make damn sure she doesn't get pregnant.
Maybe you'll last, maybe not, but the chances either one of you will go to college, own a home, get the job you want, etc...will vanish if you start a family at your age. Be very careful.
Very sage advice, indeed.

Now I will add a bit more different advice. You say that she has suicidal thoughts. She needs to get to councilling to get that part of her life straightened out pronto. Only through competent therapy can this be evaluated and dealt with.
Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; August 18,2009 at 7:57am. Reason: Add information
 
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