jayjay is offline jayjay Post #71  August 19,2009, 7:42pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

PR_Princess wrote :
Insecure people push limits...case in point...my young teenage interns. I expect it of them and I also hope that they grow and develop into secure people who don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Insecure people? Teenage interns? I think pretty much every person I have ever worked with has pushed to see the limits of what they can and can't get away with at work. Even good employees. A different kind of example I've heard....is that when test pilots get into a new flight simulator the first thing they will do is almost immediately crash the simulated airplane. The reason being they're pushing to find out what the limits of the aircraft are. I don't see this testing of limits as inherently a bad thing....but it is the responsibility of each of us (or a manager at work) to have and set them.

Incidentally, for me these 'limits' in a relationship are mostly felt, determined and communicated 'in the moment'. When something is done or said that feels wrong then I'll just communicate that somehow in the moment, rather than trying to set 'ground rules' ahead of time.
 
  Reply With Quote
cp30 is offline cp30 Post #72  August 19,2009, 8:07pm

has only threatened to give up

Power Poster

Joined: Dec 2007

Up in the NW corner somewhere, but not quite Canada :)

Posts: 7,750

See profile

work is entirely different. I also think there are differences between men and women in this arena, which I have observed.
 
  Reply With Quote
librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #73  August 20,2009, 8:52am
librarybabe's Avatar

is Mrs. Rix! At last!

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2009

living a dream in the Northwest

Posts: 677

See profile

Jayjay,

This thread has really gotten me thinking. I have never married, so I don't know exactly what you went through with a marriage that needed boundaries. But I am realizing that was the problem with a lot of friends that I have had that demanded more of me than I could or even should give. I eventually dropped the friendships because they were asking too much of me and I didn't think they were healthy. But the more loving thing, but far more difficult thing would have been to set boundaries with them. It feels awkward but it is necessary to sustain a good relationship.

I tended to think that since these friends were so needy or demanding or self-centered, that I just had the wrong friends. And I do think that there are people (like the primadonna I mentioned before) who are going to be worse about pushing limits. But if you are right and we all tend to try to push limits too far, then we all need to learn to set boundaries for positive relationships.

I started reading another book by a psychologist/counselor named Henry Cloud and am really getting a lot out of it. I noticed in the back of the book is advertised his other books, which are all about setting boundaries in relationships. Who knows, maybe they would help?

The generic one for all relationships is below, though he also wrote one for marriage and for dating:
Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (0025986247454): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Thanks for getting me thinking!
 
  Reply With Quote
brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #74  August 20,2009, 10:06am
brneyedangel's Avatar

would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

northeast Ohio

Posts: 4,590

See profile

jayjay wrote :
Insecure people? Teenage interns? I think pretty much every person I have ever worked with has pushed to see the limits of what they can and can't get away with at work. Even good employees. A different kind of example I've heard....is that when test pilots get into a new flight simulator the first thing they will do is almost immediately crash the simulated airplane. The reason being they're pushing to find out what the limits of the aircraft are. I don't see this testing of limits as inherently a bad thing....but it is the responsibility of each of us (or a manager at work) to have and set them.

Incidentally, for me these 'limits' in a relationship are mostly felt, determined and communicated 'in the moment'. When something is done or said that feels wrong then I'll just communicate that somehow in the moment, rather than trying to set 'ground rules' ahead of time.
I find it interesting that work is brought up, as I have no problem whatsoever setting boundaries with people at work. When people at work cross these boundaries, I have no problem saying something about it. Yet I'm hesitant to set boundaries within a relationship. However, now that I've read what you've said here, Jayjay, I find myself agreeing with you. Initially when you talked of setting boundaries within a relationship, this isn't where I thought you were going with this. What you've stated above is exactly what I do in a relationship. If there is a problem I have with something that is happening, I will bring it up at the time, but I've never really considered it as setting boundaries. I've viewed it more as solving a problem/stating a concern. You've given me something to think about here....
 
  Reply With Quote
Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #75  August 20,2009, 10:38am
Icouldwriteab…'s Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2009

Denver, Colorado

Posts: 540

See profile

tjlpd wrote :
I do not know your exact situation but...if you have an abusive ex it is best to severe ties completely. I do not know what these entanglements are but I would do my best to disentangle them. Assuming you do not have children I do not understand why you should deal with him anymore. It may be worth some financial pain in order to get him completely out of your life. Again I do not know your situation and I wish you the best.
I am glad you said this, because it was exactly my thoughts too! So, ditto on this.
 
  Reply With Quote
trackstar is offline trackstar Post #76  August 20,2009, 12:13pm
trackstar's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: May 2009

NJ

Posts: 204

See profile

I think that in long term relationships, maybe we are all guilty, at times, of forgetting to appreciate the little things. But, when you start feeling like you have to draw boundaries or you will be taken advantage of . . .I don't know, I guess I don't like feeling like I am in a relationship with a child that I need to instruct in basic human values. I have been in relationships like that before - some people just suck everything out of you they can. No matter how much you give, it is never enough, and apart from the rudimentary birthday gift, they never even think to do something nice for anyone else. I don't think that setting boundaries helps with those kinds of individuals. I mean, it might keep you from running yourself ragged trying to accommmodate their every whim, but I don't know if it's possible to teach/encourage/demand/whatever an adult to abandon selfishness and become someone who contributes to the relationship from the heart. But, I do think that there are many, many kind-hearted people who want to give as much, or more, than they receive. And with them, yes, I think it's possible to have a relationship where you can say "I would do anything for you," and trust that they won't ask you to do anything ridiculous. I think that you've gotta let your guard down. . .just be careful about the kinda girl you're letting in - generally easier said than done, I know. I do agree that all that "can't live without you" nonsense is just that. Maybe I would say that you shouldn't ever stop being aware of your own self-worth, rather than that you should always keep your guard up.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #77  August 20,2009, 12:28pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

trackstar wrote :
I have been in relationships like that before - some people just suck everything out of you they can. No matter how much you give, it is never enough, and apart from the rudimentary birthday gift, they never even think to do something nice for anyone else. I don't think that setting boundaries helps with those kinds of individuals.

But, I do think that there are many, many kind-hearted people who want to give as much, or more, than they receive. And with them, yes, I think it's possible to have a relationship where you can say "I would do anything for you," and trust that they won't ask you to do anything ridiculous. I think that you've gotta let your guard down. . .just be careful about the kinda girl you're letting in - generally easier said than done, I know. I do agree that all that "can't live without you" nonsense is just that. Maybe I would say that you shouldn't ever stop being aware of your own self-worth, rather than that you should always keep your guard up.
Sure....some people won't respect what you will and won't accept, so the consequence of this is naturally that you'd end a relationship with them.

Regarding people who like to give....I'm reminded of something I read once, maybe by Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People?). This was that if you want someone to like you....ask them to do something for you rather than doing something for them. There does seem to be some truth to this with regard to human nature...that we may have an inclination to like those who actually ask us for things, perhaps even more so than people who do things for us.
 
  Reply With Quote
PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #78  August 20,2009, 3:31pm
PR_Princess's Avatar

Fly like an eagle...Let my spirit carry me

Enthusiast

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 685

See profile

jayjay wrote :
Insecure people? Teenage interns? I think pretty much every person I have ever worked with has pushed to see the limits of what they can and can't get away with at work. Even good employees. A different kind of example I've heard....is that when test pilots get into a new flight simulator the first thing they will do is almost immediately crash the simulated airplane. The reason being they're pushing to find out what the limits of the aircraft are. I don't see this testing of limits as inherently a bad thing....but it is the responsibility of each of us (or a manager at work) to have and set them.

Incidentally, for me these 'limits' in a relationship are mostly felt, determined and communicated 'in the moment'. When something is done or said that feels wrong then I'll just communicate that somehow in the moment, rather than trying to set 'ground rules' ahead of time.
I can see the benefits of crashing the aircraft during an actual training session...builds sensitivity towards mortality and the decisions we make. But there has to be limits to pushing the limits as well. I remember being a nursing student and some professors would continue making us feel sensitive to the fact that our actions could potentially cause serious harm to the patient. Over time for many of the students it actually hindered their patient care as it made them less confident in their skills and caused a lot of anxiety and resentment.

So no "ground rules" should be made ahead of time? That doesn't convince me I do agree that many of them come up at the moment over an extended period of time. But I do believe you need a firm foundation at the beginning of any relationship or you don't have a leg to stand on. Boundaries should be clear, concise, and have breathing room...in this way you create an atmosphere of safety and trust...or else many times you end up with the "love is a battlefield" scenario.

I can recollect a time when we were studying cause and effect with mealy worms. We were split off into small groups and the assignment was to introduce stimuli into the worm's environment. When you draw a heated head of a pin close to the animal it would naturally pull away. The mood of the room was calm and inquisitive.Well the teacher left the room for a certain amount of time and it didn't take long for many (not all ) of the students to begin either harming or killing the little buggers (even though we were instructed not to as we would be releasing them)

Unfortunately this type of behavior is not limited to the classroom and there are plenty of adulthood examples that I can put out here that have a similar undertone. So at an early age I learned a very important lesson. Man left to his own means can be a very destructive force. Many people depend on an outside source to provide themselves with boundaries that they have not internalized fully yet. If this was not true then that Wal-mart "greeter" would not be paid to stand in front of the door checking my receipt. It's cheaper and a pretty effective means of cutting down shoplifting. So I enjoy living in a world with boundaries..do they have to be stifling? No. They do have a significant purpose and function in our lives and relationships.
 
  Reply With Quote
pamcam is offline pamcam Post #79  September 17,2009, 5:47pm
pamcam's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Dec 2008

El Paso, Texas

Posts: 641

See profile

Romantic love is an illusion, same as falling in love; it's nature....and it isn't love. Many people, myself included, made the mistake of marrying during this stage. What follows is conflict and a power struggle; this too is human, and our opportunity to resolve problems and issues as a couple, and to let go of ego and pride. Real life sets in. And then after two years or so, after we have fallen "out of love," only then can we choose to love our partner, meet his real needs...for healing wounds, returning us to our original selves, integrated, w/o 'living' in roles, breaking through boundaries, based upon a foundation of emotional trust, connection, deep honest intimate communication and listening, where we reveal ourselves, our fears, doubts, insecurities, hopes, and dreams, along w/ our shortcomings; it takes patience and respect to move on to mature love. This takes two separate, different, unique, secure individuals, who have the ability to celebrate and appreciate the differences, to where gender does not mattter, and who know who they are and who want to know who their partner is in order to heal one another through receiving one another's love. Healing ourselves through receiving another's love is the purpose of relationship.
Last edited by pamcam; September 17,2009 at 5:54pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #80  September 17,2009, 6:26pm
HappyandLight's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 527

See profile

I say this without judgment at all...but I honestly have never thought of taking advantage of any man. Not monetarily or physically, or anything.

But I haven't been married with children. If I had been, maybe I would have taken advantage.

And, while having been in love relationships, I have never had anyone say "I'll do anything for you". Maybe I am in the minority but I am not sure I'd want to even hear that statement. Anything? Really? I agree, it's too missing of boundaries of self-respect of being reasonable.

Come to think of it, love is wanting to give, no? Not trying to get everything you can from that person. Isn't it?

*shrug*

jayjay wrote :
So, do you think a relationship in which you're willing to do anything for your partner is a reality that can work...or just the stuff of movies?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Love songs: bad for Love? | Dating | Are you single with a child under 12? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Problems with "I Love You" pixie11 Relationships 36 March 12,2011 12:36pm
What Is Love? FaithNGod Christian Singles 42 September 20,2009 3:58am
Belief/Acceptance of Romantic Love TDIGZ Intelligent Conversation 10 August 23,2009 10:54am
And the reason we seek male companionship is? maryleigh Relationships 39 August 14,2009 2:45pm
Old Fashioned Romance & Courtship Just_A_Thought Love in Color 78 May 31,2009 6:54pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Wow Legend, you have been through a lot! OP, about 2 months ago, I went gluten-free and dairy-free with the exception of an occasional greek yogurt with fruit a few times a week. My main reason why ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Living Without....” discussion

“ I did not discourage the OP from meeting him....just wanted her to also be sure to be safe and not throw caution to the wind. I hope she has a great time and posts to the board how successful her ... ” –  legend29

Join the “a match wants to meet me in a foreign country” discussion

“The perpetrator at my work has slowed their controlling ways a bit. But, I think the damage is done for some and she will never be anything but an annoyance to them. She's much quieter, though seems ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Who's the Boss?” discussion

“Oh, I forgot to give an example from my family of origin. Both my grandpa and my father had their own successful businesses. We lived together in a 4 floor building occupying different flats but we ... ” –  elliechris

Join the “When is friendship a problem” discussion

“Most anyone has been there I imagine. My advice is: don't over think it, it's all a numbers game (more for some than others), focus on your happiness/life, and work on your market value.” –  Raw_Truth

Join the “Very discouraged.” discussion

“ I figured it had something to do with that "hair gel" that Cameron Diaz was using in the movie "There's Something About Mary"...” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“I used to do this in my youth. A couple relevant factors likely were that I broke up with them, they would have liked to re-engage and I had poor boundaries--desperately wanting to stay friends. ... ” –  EccentricAmbiguity

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:27am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0