Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Dating First-date jitters? Hoping for a second date? Moving on to a full blown relationship? Share your journey and advice here.

Reply
Page 7 of 9 « First 5 6 7 8 9
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
jayjay jayjay is offline
jayjay's Avatar

jayjay ....is feeling optimistic.

Power Poster

Join Date: Jun 2008

Posts: 8,275

See profile

happyquestion wrote :
Well, after being brokenhearted badly, i can't say don't keep your 'guard', but if it is a life partner you a building the relationship with, it really shouldn't be that way. The more your guard is up, the less you are capable of giving/receiving true love. If you have opened yourself up to complete vulnerability, and your partner took advantage of that, it is the wrong partner you've associated yourself with I think.
This is what I'm questioning and is reflected in the thread title 'Illusions of love'. I'm questioning whether this idea that completely 'letting one's guard down' or 'being completely vulnerable' is what constitutes love in real life. I'm suggesting these may be wonderful ideas that feel and look good in romantic fairytales...but may not actually reflect the reality of what works in real life relationships.
- August 17th, 2009, 09:06 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#61   Reply With Quote
CreolePrincess CreolePrincess is offline
CreolePrincess's Avatar

CreolePrincess It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

Virtuoso

Join Date: May 2009

Posts: 2,573

See profile

happyquestion wrote :
I think setting clear boundaries should be part of a healthy relationship and should be part of the on-going communication to keep everyone on the same page all the time regarding to different issues.

Without clear boundaries (i take boundaries as ground rules) yes both can end up in conflict. I don't think it is necessarily the lack of your clear rules that would lead to disrespect. I find disrespect comes out of the way we interpret our partner's values/character/behavior/ etc. Such interpretation often comes from unresolved conflict, so yes, without clear boundaries can lead to more conflict, and if not handled well, our respect is put on the line.

This sounds so much like not throwing sand outside the sandbox. Boundaries can make for really boring sandcastles. I would be in so much trouble.
- August 17th, 2009, 09:07 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#62   Reply With Quote
happyquestion happyquestion is offline
happyquestion's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2009

Posts: 154

See profile

LeslieEagle wrote :
I have come to the realization that we should learn to love and respect ourselves first before we ever get into any kind of relationship. When we take the time to know what it is that makes us happy and we know how to live on our own, then and only then can we even hope to find someone that fits into our lives.

Too many times people look for a relationship or a person to make them happy. The reality of that is it will never work. That is why we need to love ourselves and know ourselves completely before we ever bring another person into the picture.

The next part of the puzzle is that you have to find a person who has also done all this painstaking work for themselves. Then and only then will the two people be happy together in a relationship because they do not need the other person to "complete" them. They are both complete on their own.

The relationship then will be built on respect for each other's differences. This will be a relationship where the two enjoy each other and want to share in their experiences.

The answer is... loving and respecting yourself and expecting nothing less from your partner.

Most people do not want to put in the time and effort this process takes. To know yourself takes time and then to find someone who has put in the same effort takes a great deal of time and patience.

.
Very well said and great insight to remember. It is often not easy to remember this and you get lost in the your pursue of relationship, and forgotten to work to complete yourself as a happy individual. Seeking the other person to make you happy is the ultimate disaster for a relationship.
- August 17th, 2009, 10:07 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#63   Reply With Quote
happyquestion happyquestion is offline
happyquestion's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2009

Posts: 154

See profile

CreolePrincess wrote :
This sounds so much like not throwing sand outside the sandbox. Boundaries can make for really boring sandcastles. I would be in so much trouble.
Depending on what we interpret "boundary" is. To me, it is not a set of rules as to this we should do this we shouldn't do, but a mutual understanding of what everyone's stance is to a given issue. Setting boundary 'ahead of time' may not work but as issues/conflict comes up, and as they get resolved, there should be a common understanding between the two as to how they should engage in future dealings of similar issue. This common understanding is the key to keep everyone on the same page, and what i see as "boundary" or "ground-rules".

For example one primary "boundary" (almost a given in any relationship) is to be honest at all times with each other. Whist you may not be explicit with this, if you don't have such "boundary" as honesty, one of the partners just lie away and the other takes each lie as being ok, the relationship is a hell if you ask me.
- August 17th, 2009, 10:15 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#64   Reply With Quote
PR_Princess PR_Princess is offline
PR_Princess's Avatar

PR_Princess Bismillah in everything I do

Enthusiast

Join Date: Jun 2009

Posts: 563

See profile

happyquestion wrote :
Depending on what we interpret "boundary" is. To me, it is not a set of rules as to this we should do this we shouldn't do, but a mutual understanding of what everyone's stance is to a given issue. Setting boundary 'ahead of time' may not work but as issues/conflict comes up, and as they get resolved, there should be a common understanding between the two as to how they should engage in future dealings of similar issue. This common understanding is the key to keep everyone on the same page, and what i see as "boundary" or "ground-rules".

For example one primary "boundary" (almost a given in any relationship) is to be honest at all times with each other. Whist you may not be explicit with this, if you don't have such "boundary" as honesty, one of the partners just lie away and the other takes each lie as being ok, the relationship is a hell if you ask me.

Like this happy...I would also like to add the "don't go there" boundary...so important. For example the classic...don't talk about my mother/father rule. My parents had a pretty good relationship and very keen on each others boundaries (which my father used to test from time to time because he had a mischievous need to rile her up) but one day he unintentionally mentioned something innocuous about my grandmother and he got "burned" pretty bad by my dear mom. Let's just say...he never forgot that boundary ever again.

I'm all for honesty at all times...but sometimes that "don't go there" boundary comes into effect...do you really need to know everything about each other? In this day and age when everything is put out there...I think a little mystery is okay and healthy in a relationship. I grew up in a house with an "open door" policy...but we still knew we had to knock and get permission before entering.... Just a thought.
- August 18th, 2009, 05:17 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#65   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

cp30 cp30 is offline
cp30's Avatar

cp30 is having serious login issues

Power Poster

Join Date: Dec 2007

Posts: 5,639

See profile

good posts above.

It may seem that we got off topic here. But I don't think so.

I stick to the belief that some people will take whatever they can get. Some people will go out of their way to be resepectful -- no matter the boundaries the other person sets. It has to do with the personal philosphy of the person, their upbringing, their general personality and a host of other things.

I do beleive boundaries are important as is self-respect. But I think it begets game playing if the boundaries are enacted with the intent of "training" a person how to treat us.

Yes, we do teach others how they can and cannot treat us. But to expect that all people will naturally push limits as far as they can, to see what they can get, is cynical at best...not all people are that way (and I realize that many people may do so without even realizing it, I still don't think it is to be expected)
- August 18th, 2009, 05:38 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#66   Reply With Quote
LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
LizziePooh's Avatar

LizziePooh would enjoy a song.

Power Poster

Join Date: May 2008

Posts: 5,172

See profile

I think it comes down to two different things...

1) We pick someone that we should not be with

or

2) We are with someone that we should be with but for whatever reason, them or us start being selfish and then we start doing the same and it slowing escalates to where we don't know how to get back to where we need to be.
- August 18th, 2009, 06:31 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#67   Reply With Quote
librarybabe librarybabe is offline
librarybabe's Avatar

librarybabe wird mit sehnsuechtige Liebe ueberwaeltigt!

Enthusiast

Join Date: Mar 2009

Posts: 571

See profile

cp30 wrote :
ps. I would add....that part of being this 'easy going' is the belief that you can handle anything....that is part of the problem. You are used to sacrificing for others or maybe you were physically and mentally stronger than the people around you growing up....so you naturally take on that role of sacrificing for others, or doing things for others because you actually feel strong...not weak...you perceive yourself as strong, and don't realize other people are seeing you as weak for it.

and I think that can be a critical difference between people and their philosophies on life.

Because I still see kindness as a strength in people. Unless I have reason to believe otherwise.
Interesting thought. I can see myself in some of what you say here. And maybe that's why some guys who I consider strong men with good egos do everything for a wife who is taking advantage of their good will.
- August 19th, 2009, 10:04 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#68   Reply With Quote
librarybabe librarybabe is offline
librarybabe's Avatar

librarybabe wird mit sehnsuechtige Liebe ueberwaeltigt!

Enthusiast

Join Date: Mar 2009

Posts: 571

See profile

jayjay wrote :
That was pretty much in the nature of my ex to 'take' all she could get. And as for me....well, I think I was naive about what love is.
What do you think love is now versus what you thought then?
- August 19th, 2009, 12:06 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#69   Reply With Quote
PR_Princess PR_Princess is offline
PR_Princess's Avatar

PR_Princess Bismillah in everything I do

Enthusiast

Join Date: Jun 2009

Posts: 563

See profile

cp30 wrote :
good posts above.

It may seem that we got off topic here. But I don't think so.

I stick to the belief that some people will take whatever they can get. Some people will go out of their way to be resepectful -- no matter the boundaries the other person sets. It has to do with the personal philosphy of the person, their upbringing, their general personality and a host of other things.

I do beleive boundaries are important as is self-respect. But I think it begets game playing if the boundaries are enacted with the intent of "training" a person how to treat us.

Yes, we do teach others how they can and cannot treat us. But to expect that all people will naturally push limits as far as they can, to see what they can get, is cynical at best...not all people are that way (and I realize that many people may do so without even realizing it, I still don't think it is to be expected)

Do I hear Pavlov's dog bell ringing? I have to agree...last time I checked I was human. Insecure people push limits...case in point...my young teenage interns. I expect it of them and I also hope that they grow and develop into secure people who don't feel the need to do that anymore. I search for relationships with mature people who provide consistent support, not people who try to drain you of your vital energy playing endless mind games. You train an animal...you build relationships with people.
- August 19th, 2009, 09:04 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#70   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 7 of 9 « First 5 6 7 8 9

Bookmarks

« Love songs: bad for Love? | Array | Are you single with a child under 12? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Problems with "I Love You" pixie11 Relationships 33 October 15th, 2009 06:38 pm
And the reason we seek male companionship is? maryleigh Relationships 39 August 14th, 2009 04:45 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Just because he may have meant it as a compliment, a compliment to what? Certainly not to any thing good about you? His cleverness at picking a "cheap date" , maybe. I would not think this, no less ... ” – Wiseman2

Join the “That WAS a compliment... I think?!” discussion

“I was supposed to have date last night, but due to the weather here is St. Louis and the distance that he had to drive, we cancelled. We talked on the phone for awhile though, and I totally ... ” – newbie40something

Join the “Monday, February 8th weekend and date roundup!” discussion

“Very true, if i want a penfriend then i'll get a penfriend, if i want to date then i'm not going to spend weeks emailing back and forth, too easy to lose interest in perfectly good people just ... ” – gothustartus

Join the “Too much thinking going on here...” discussion

“Stuck, when, and if, you ask her out do be direct. Have you thought of asking her to go out after a gig? Maybe offer to treat her to dinner or lunch the day of? Good luck!” – AndieIsMe

Join the “Need Some Advice On A Girl” discussion

“LOL--I needed a good laugh--thanks! ” – brneyedangel

Join the “Random joke... Passed on by my MOTHER, of all people!” discussion

“I work with a LOT of students who have ADD and ADHD, and they know the difference between their ADD or ADHD and just being flat out rude. What he's saying is just rude. Besides, you aren't a ... ” – brneyedangel

Join the “Stop Talking” discussion

“Just curious what people thought.. What makes someone want to hook-up with a person repeatedly, rather than enter into a relationship level? Do you really not know the answer to that? ” – mrflyer

Join the “What makes people rather hook-up with a person rather than enter a relationship” discussion

“ So men can drive women around but not the other way around? What year is it where you live? ” – mrflyer

Join the “Rough Start” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:40 pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0