Illusions of love.

I think setting clear boundaries should be part of a healthy relationship and should be part of the on-going communication to keep everyone on the same page all the time regarding to different issues.

Without clear boundaries (i take boundaries as ground rules) yes both can end up in conflict. I don't think it is necessarily the lack of your clear rules that would lead to disrespect. I find disrespect comes out of the way we interpret our partner's values/character/behavior/ etc. Such interpretation often comes from unresolved conflict, so yes, without clear boundaries can lead to more conflict, and if not handled well, our respect is put on the line.

I have come to the realization that we should learn to love and respect ourselves first before we ever get into any kind of relationship. When we take the time to know what it is that makes us happy and we know how to live on our own, then and only then can we even hope to find someone that fits into our lives.

Too many times people look for a relationship or a person to make them happy. The reality of that is it will never work. That is why we need to love ourselves and know ourselves completely before we ever bring another person into the picture.

The next part of the puzzle is that you have to find a person who has also done all this painstaking work for themselves. Then and only then will the two people be happy together in a relationship because they do not need the other person to "complete" them. They are both complete on their own.

The relationship then will be built on respect for each other's differences. This will be a relationship where the two enjoy each other and want to share in their experiences.

The answer is... loving and respecting yourself and expecting nothing less from your partner.

Most people do not want to put in the time and effort this process takes. To know yourself takes time and then to find someone who has put in the same effort takes a great deal of time and patience.

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This sounds so much like not throwing sand outside the sandbox. Boundaries can make for really boring sandcastles. I would be in so much trouble.

Depending on what we interpret "boundary" is. To me, it is not a set of rules as to this we should do this we shouldn't do, but a mutual understanding of what everyone's stance is to a given issue. Setting boundary 'ahead of time' may not work but as issues/conflict comes up, and as they get resolved, there should be a common understanding between the two as to how they should engage in future dealings of similar issue. This common understanding is the key to keep everyone on the same page, and what i see as "boundary" or "ground-rules".

For example one primary "boundary" (almost a given in any relationship) is to be honest at all times with each other. Whist you may not be explicit with this, if you don't have such "boundary" as honesty, one of the partners just lie away and the other takes each lie as being ok, the relationship is a hell if you ask me.

ps. I would add....that part of being this 'easy going' is the belief that you can handle anything....that is part of the problem. You are used to sacrificing for others or maybe you were physically and mentally stronger than the people around you growing up....so you naturally take on that role of sacrificing for others, or doing things for others because you actually feel strong...not weak...you perceive yourself as strong, and don't realize other people are seeing you as weak for it.

and I think that can be a critical difference between people and their philosophies on life.

Because I still see kindness as a strength in people. Unless I have reason to believe otherwise.

That was pretty much in the nature of my ex to 'take' all she could get. And as for me....well, I think I was naive about what love is.

good posts above.

It may seem that we got off topic here. But I don't think so.

I stick to the belief that some people will take whatever they can get. Some people will go out of their way to be resepectful -- no matter the boundaries the other person sets. It has to do with the personal philosphy of the person, their upbringing, their general personality and a host of other things.

I do beleive boundaries are important as is self-respect. But I think it begets game playing if the boundaries are enacted with the intent of "training" a person how to treat us.

Yes, we do teach others how they can and cannot treat us. But to expect that all people will naturally push limits as far as they can, to see what they can get, is cynical at best...not all people are that way (and I realize that many people may do so without even realizing it, I still don't think it is to be expected)