bondgirl777 is offline bondgirl777 Post #51  August 16,2009, 11:43pm
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Respect starts from within. Absolutely agree with all that we tend to allow people we love to take advantage. But if you are uncomfortable receiving love or allow others to show you love, we may need to do some self-reflection. How do we respond to their requests - how much do you love me? Make me dinner, wash the dishes, clean the house, fill the gas tank, make more money ... it is never going to be enough ... so before we enter into a path of service for eternity, we have to be honest and say that we realy enjoy serving for the pure pleasure of the act regardless of the outcome ... but if we really expected love in return for the act of service, what language of love do you speak that resonnates with you? Perhaps your partner has shown love in many ways but it hasn't registered in your psyche because you are busy tallying up all your gestures of love with no return on your investments! In that case, there is a big question, is it love or slavery?
 
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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #52  August 17,2009, 6:59am
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Dating initially is much like riding the stock market. You take your chances on how much, when and where to invest without knowing you return on investment.

Put in enough sweat equity to develop an unbreakable bond with someone, then you switch over to fixed-income.
Last edited by dietpepsi; August 17,2009 at 7:03am.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #53  August 17,2009, 5:23pm

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Thanks for sharing, cp. I did not mean to put you on the spot - I just found your story encouraging. I know I mentioned this is in one of the threads of yours before, but I have hard time picturing you meek since you seem very strong-minded and willed to me.

So I find it encouraging because I am hoping one of my sisters learns to stand up for herself. She is going through a divorce and the guy is scary. And unfortunately, she is always going to have to deal with him since he is the father of her child. And quite frankly, I am not sure how she is going to fare.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #54  August 17,2009, 5:26pm

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bigfincat wrote :
This is one time when you are fitting that other description from the other day. LOL
Ha! Ha! I don't mind being that word when intended. But when I do it without meaning to...that is something else.

bigfincat wrote :
I am not disagreeing with you at all.

I know what you are saying & you also never stated that she had any complaints.
Ha! You have not read the people-pleaser code, have you?? It specifically states don't complain. You are a martyr and others should just recognize that and know what you are thinking and wanting.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #55  August 17,2009, 5:32pm
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jayjay wrote :
So, do you think a relationship in which you're willing to do anything for your partner is a reality that can work...or just the stuff of movies?
Only if you do it for love and with love. I never asked my ex to get me water, food etc...unless I was incapable of getting it myself. It was I who did the "getting" and while I not only did this but paid bills at work, paid bills at home, worked at our business with no compensation to show I worked all those years (which means no money in Social security), he had the gall to say I took him for granted. The man never ate instant mashed potatoes or hardly anything instant while married to me. I'd work all day, come home to cook, do laundry, and other household chores, tutor the kids in homework and try to find a little me time. That little "me time" was found hiding in the bathroom corner to read a few pages of a book all the while he sat in the living room surfing on the t.v. hollering his comments at it like they could hear.

So the question is would I do it again or am I burned once and over it? I'd do it again for the right person who would reciprocate without me asking, who would take delight in making me happy as I them. I think the balance is to not take advantage and if you are feeling too pampered to start doing it before they can spoil you.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #56  August 17,2009, 5:57pm

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jayjay wrote :
I think that when people are taken advantage of in a relationship in the way described here they have almost always allowed this to happen. People always have the option of saying 'no' and refusing to allow someone to treat them badly...but they don't always do so.
So JayJay, why do you think you were taken advantage of? I have time picturing the people-pleaser mentality with you but maybe for a fine looking woman you may go a little over-board? Do you think your ex was just selfish in nature and would do that with anyone? Or do you think it just happened like BrwneyedAngel described with her post?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #57  August 17,2009, 6:17pm

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it's hard to explain lizzie. I never saw myself as meek and I really wasn't. In fact that was and is a point of conflict between my mom and I "how could you let that happen, you're too smart and strong" etc. She never believed some of the things I told her that happened.

I wasn't meek. I just believed in the good of people and I've always been very giving. I figured most people thought the way I did and would do the same for me! I didn't consider it 'putting myself out' for someone and I wasn't keeping score. It was not until certain events where I could see very plainly how things had escalated and what I had sacrificed for him that really mattered to me, and I was pressured into.

But verbal confirmation (seriously) that it had been fun for him to play with my head because I was smart and confident....well that is pretty much when everything clicked and I lost it. If I hadn't given up so much that was important to me, it might not have been a huge deal....but that is not the case.

I have always felt the more you have been given in life the more is expected of you to give back. I grew up in a modest family but I was naive and I really thought I had everything and I wanted to help everyone and I thought I was strong...not meek. In fact it was learning to admit that I am not that strong and cannot handle everything and that I am only human that I learned to say "no" more often and do less for others. It sounds really cheesy....but I had to learn to care for myself as much as I did other people. I had to learn to be more selfish. Because most of the time I saw myself as the stronger person that could handle everything. And that applied in a lot of situations and interactions with people. Not just doing things for others (thats more obvious, its not like I was always running around doing things for everyone), but in the way I allowed them to speak to me (and that especially applied to my family) Where I might have previously allowed myself to get lectured, or talked down to or sucked into an arguement, or just expected to tolerate bad behavior in general, I stopped. I no longer allowed others to make me doubt myself or feel guilty for THEIR bad behavior. The dynamic in my family was hard because I was the youngest and expected to just allow people to treat me however they felt was appropriate, all the while telling me how privilged I was. Making me feel guilty because I had more opportunities than them, or I had more toys, or more whatever. That has never ended! I could (and probably will...someday) write a book. So I am going to stop!

I didn't know that some people felt they could take advantage of me and I certainly did not think some people would go out of their way to do so...that idea was foriegn to me.

I have always been strong willed....I just preferred to shoulder the burden in certain situations (I thought I was being strong!). I learned that from my mom! I didnt know where to draw the line, though, until something that really did matter to me, happened. That made everything much more black and white and things came into focus and I could see how it applied to other areas of my life.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #58  August 17,2009, 7:16pm
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jayjay wrote :

I think if you don't have definite boundaries in a relationship that in the long run your partner will lose respect for you and eventually end up dissatisfied in the relationship.
I think setting clear boundaries should be part of a healthy relationship and should be part of the on-going communication to keep everyone on the same page all the time regarding to different issues.

Without clear boundaries (i take boundaries as ground rules) yes both can end up in conflict. I don't think it is necessarily the lack of your clear rules that would lead to disrespect. I find disrespect comes out of the way we interpret our partner's values/character/behavior/ etc. Such interpretation often comes from unresolved conflict, so yes, without clear boundaries can lead to more conflict, and if not handled well, our respect is put on the line.

jayjay wrote :
In a way it feels kind of pessimistic, but I actually think you have to keep at least a little bit of your 'guard' up. It would be nice to think that you could be completely vulnerable and that your partner will never take advantage of that...but I think that is largely an illusion. I've come to think that in a relationship you always have to make it clear that you will not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
Well, after being brokenhearted badly, i can't say don't keep your 'guard', but if it is a life partner you a building the relationship with, it really shouldn't be that way. The more your guard is up, the less you are capable of giving/receiving true love. If you have opened yourself up to complete vulnerability, and your partner took advantage of that, it is the wrong partner you've associated yourself with I think.

jayjay wrote :
So, do you think a relationship in which you're willing to do anything for your partner is a reality that can work...or just the stuff of movies?
I can work with the right partner. When you say you are willing to do "anything" for your partner, there is a condition i think, that "anything" is not beyond loving yourself and caring for yourself.

It is not necessarily healthy if you love your partner more than you love yourself. Should such case happens, your partner's love for you will be limited to your own love for yourself. And this imbalance of love will cause heartache to say the least.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #59  August 17,2009, 7:51pm
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jayjay wrote :
I think that when people are taken advantage of in a relationship in the way described here they have almost always allowed this to happen. People always have the option of saying 'no' and refusing to allow someone to treat them badly...but they don't always do so.
I agree with you. And sometimes, in some cases, I don't think they don't know how to say no, either. I know I've been in that situation--not knowing how to say no to someone who was treating me badly--but over time I finally just snapped. Since then, no hasn't seemed to be a problem for me.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #60  August 17,2009, 8:00pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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LizziePooh wrote :
So JayJay, why do you think you were taken advantage of? I have time picturing the people-pleaser mentality with you but maybe for a fine looking woman you may go a little over-board? Do you think your ex was just selfish in nature and would do that with anyone? Or do you think it just happened like BrwneyedAngel described with her post?
That was pretty much in the nature of my ex to 'take' all she could get. And as for me....well, I think I was naive about what love is.
 
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