Illusions of love.

cp30 wrote: "Boundaries are imporant but they have to be authentic, not made up in order to train others.

I've sent the message to a lot of people in my life by leaving. Leaving is a good way to let people know you have boundaries, and if they want to be in your life you do have limits. "

I hope you tried to communicate your boundaries in other ways before leaving. Maybe this was necessary in some cases (based on some other things you said about bad relationships in this thread), but I think we all have seen relationships where couples give up real effort to communicate with one another. They just put up with bad relationships and then suddenly call it quits. Neither party learns anything from that and it doesn't sound conducive to training someone if you leave the relationship.

I think I'm living proof that the "I'd do anything for you" philosophy doesn't work. It got me steamrolled in the 4 year relationship I got out of a while back. In fact, I'm STILL trying to re-train my ex not to expect me to jump at his every whim and respect my personal boundaries. (Unfortunately, I'm trying to maintain some kind of friendship with him. Cutting him loose entirely hasn't been possible because of our financial and practical entanglements.)

Because of this very philosophy, my relationship turned abusive. It got to the point where he became downright hostile when he didn't get his way. The dishes weren't done one night, so he went on a tirade about how horrible and lazy I was and call me a spoiled drama queen (he's drunk and ranting, but I'M dramatic???). I'm not exaggerating. Everything had to be HIS way.

This is probably why I got so upset in my most recent dating encounter. The second it felt like I was being pushed away, reprimanded, punished, and picked apart, I blew up a bit. I've come to realize that I SHOULD have definite boundaries of what I will and won't put up with. Everyone should. (As a side note, don't think I'm not thinking that a lot of the hurt I felt from my recent crash and burn wasn't some residual pain from this relationship.)

It's not easy, though. I'm not exactly a people pleaser by default, but I do have a tendency to delight in indulging my mate. That's gonna be a hard, hard habit to break. In the mean time, I can at least pat myself on the back for knowing who I am, what I need, what I will and won't put up with, and that I am strong enough to enforce those boundaries.

I know a couple that I eventually had to stop visiting, because I couldn't stand to see the wife boss him around & show little appreciation, except an occasional thanks. Admittedly, she and another mutual girlfriend love to be pampered, whether it is pedicures and spas or having a man fawn over them and serve them, etc and I don't get too excited about that. (I am embarrassed to get gasoline in NJ because they pump it for you.)...........When I remarked on them having him do everything, they laughed & said he's used to it. He just shrugged but certainly didn't complain when I helped. Service done without asking can be nice to an extent, but it bothers me to hear it required over & over.

I do not know your exact situation but...if you have an abusive ex it is best to severe ties completely. I do not know what these entanglements are but I would do my best to disentangle them. Assuming you do not have children I do not understand why you should deal with him anymore. It may be worth some financial pain in order to get him completely out of your life. Again I do not know your situation and I wish you the best.