How to tell a liar? Been bit and it hurts...


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Amorettas is offline Amorettas Post #1  August 15,2009, 6:16pm
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I recently was on the breakup recieving end of a 1 year long relationship. In the beginning he lied furiously about any and everything, including marital status! Somehow I forgave all of his lies and began to just see him for him. He got the divorce while with me and we had to work through all of his issues one by one. A few weeks ago he had some tantrum and decided he wanted out. Now he tells me hes dating someone new and has since found someone new. I am so devistated from this relationship and do not want another liar.

I joined EHarmony so I can find a man who doesnt drink or smoke and I think it will help me scan personalities before taking the plunge.

What are some questions that I should be asking a man and how can you tell a liar? I dont want to get bit again.
 
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casperita is offline casperita Post #2  January 19,2010, 10:01pm
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When you find out, let me know!! I have been lied to previously and it has really been hard to trust completely, let alone even a little bit. I am always questioning in my head if its the truth or a lie.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  January 19,2010, 10:11pm
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You may want to use your MH/CS list to express a dislike of people who cheat and lie.

I wouldn't put anything in your profile about being in a bad relationship and anything about being cheated on or lied to, etc.

You can ask all kinds of questions, but someone who cheats is never going to tell you they are going to. Same with a liar. I think people who cheat and lie put it in their heads that it is OK for them to do those actions because (insert self-centered, egotistical reason of your choice here).

Good luck on your search. I am sure you will find someone who is honest and loves you.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #4  January 19,2010, 10:11pm

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Sorry-theres no Liar Test that I know of.

You have to learn from your mistakes and be selective with your decisions on who to spend your life with. We all have stories like this in our past-you just need to chalk it up to experience and go on.

If you find you don't have the ability to trust yet, it might be too soon to be dating. Perhaps a woman's group therapy would help you refine those senses and defuse the feelings.

Opinions differ here on being a rebound dater..so you will have to decide whats right for you, but look for support, positive support and learn from the mistakes. We have to develop an internal BS detector that signals those lies...and if it goes off, trust it and move on.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #5  January 19,2010, 10:13pm
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As much as someone lying to you hurts, unfortunately there isn't a great way to spot a liar at first. You may get hurt again, but this time if someone lies to you (and you find out) then get out. Lies are no way to start a relationship.

It usually takes time to ferret out the lies, but sometimes the story just doesn't add up, or you feel like there's something missing to the story. You can always ask your questions directly and see if they pause before they answer or become really uncomfortable. In the end though you usually have to go with your instinct, have your radar on, and pay attention to what he says and doesn't say.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #6  January 19,2010, 10:15pm
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liars tend to be good at lying because, unfortunately, they get a lot of practice to perfect their craft. So even the most wary person can be fooled (sometimes i still can't believe when somebody fools me).

What I've figured out thus far as to how to tell somebody is lying?

1. They tend to never give any direct answers to direct questions.
2. They speak a lot in generalities and don't give a ton of specifics
3. They tend to just repeat the same thing over and not provide much new insight with each new answer.
4. They do a lot of deflecting or seem flaky.
5. They tend to have many different "sets" of friends, and none of them intermingle (liars can not risk having their friends talk to each other and compare stories told by the Liar and figure out there are a ton of inconsistencies)
6. They tend to need to disappear when the "going gets tough".

if things dont' make sense, seem inconsistent, or its frustrating just trying to get an answer or full/straight story for somebody ~ strong signs they are lying.

Richey
 
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VictoriaJ is offline VictoriaJ Post #7  January 19,2010, 10:42pm
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Richey's post is great! Thanks for the specifics.

I also agree with RoxyRedhead, that we need to learn from our past. The question is, how?

You say "in the beginning, he lied furiously about any and everything, including marital status!" So my advice to you would be to replay those scenes in your head: really concentrate on seeing/feeling your memories like a movie. Watch the movie. What were the first signs that he was lying to you? Make note of them, even write them down. How did you react the first time you caught him lying? Make note of that, write it down. What were the signs the second, third, fourth times? And how did you react each time?

This way, you will know exactly what behaviours to watch out for in potential partners--what he did when he lied--and also what to watch out for in yourself--how you convinced yourself his lies were acceptable.

I hope this helps you! It certainly helped me.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #8  January 20,2010, 2:46am
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richey wrote :
liars tend to be good at lying because, unfortunately, they get a lot of practice to perfect their craft. So even the most wary person can be fooled (sometimes i still can't believe when somebody fools me).

What I've figured out thus far as to how to tell somebody is lying?

1. They tend to never give any direct answers to direct questions.
2. They speak a lot in generalities and don't give a ton of specifics
3. They tend to just repeat the same thing over and not provide much new insight with each new answer.
4. They do a lot of deflecting or seem flaky.
5. They tend to have many different "sets" of friends, and none of them intermingle (liars can not risk having their friends talk to each other and compare stories told by the Liar and figure out there are a ton of inconsistencies)
6. They tend to need to disappear when the "going gets tough".

if things dont' make sense, seem inconsistent, or its frustrating just trying to get an answer or full/straight story for somebody ~ strong signs they are lying.

Richey
Great post Richey!

One thing though... I've also noticed the exact opposite of #2. I've been told lies (that were later proven to be lies) or had friends telling (known) lies in front of me... where the person went into very specific detail. As if their story had been "rehearsed" beforehand.

If asked any questions of clarification, it became difficult for them to elaborate. Because those 'extra' details weren't part of the originally rehearsed script.

I'd also add a big thing to pay attention to: Body Language!!

If a person can't make and hold normal eye contact with you, that's an indication there may be some deception, or at least some level of discomfort w/ what they're telling you or being asked. Nervous fidgeting, busy'ing themselves unnecessarily, etc... body language is important to pay attention to along with the above mentioned.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #9  January 20,2010, 3:16am
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I hear that looking into someone's eyes help.

Back when I was researching poker tells, people's eyes would twich involuntarily when they were bluffing.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  January 20,2010, 3:45am
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Amorettas wrote :
In the beginning he lied furiously about any and everything, including marital status! Somehow I forgave all of his lies and began to just see him for him.
Interesting. Your question is, "How to tell a liar?", but your post starts right out with admitting you knew the guy was a liar from the get-go - yet you "forgave" him. Was your mistake thinking your could change him? ...or was it thinking that you were somehow different and his lies would never 'bite' you?

Either way, you got used ...as a rebound. These people are heavily in denial, it's possible that he wasn't so much lying to you as to himself. Be that as it may, as with all rebounds, your usefulness to him as a rebound came to an end - he no longer needed you so you got kicked to the curb.

Your question really should be, "how to tell a rebound?" ...and my guess is, you ignored all of the signs and symptoms early on - likely thinking, as I did at one time, that you were special and different, that you could 'make' it work.

We weren't and we couldn't.
 
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